About Grandparents.....

[carole]

I really did not know how to head this thread, but I feel I need to share an emotional pain that has been with me for 23 years.

My parent's are good kind , caring people, they are generous to a fault, but they are just not there for my children as other grandparents.

It is something that has saddened me for years,and is a deep heartache, they care for my children so much, they will buy them things, but have never interacted much, like looking after them, doing things with them.

My mother alway's said she had trouble relating to boys, as she only ever had girls, but Hello, both my sister and I had a daughter, even though my sister does not live in the same city as my parents, and I do, my children have had just as little time as her's have.

My son did get more attention than the other grandchildren, when I was a solo parent, we used to go on holiday every year for two weeks with my parents, and I was ever grateful for that, but still my father was not what you would call a father figure for him.

I feel my parent's never had grandparents themselves and have never learned those skills, I also feel they have just become a bit selfish with their time, which they have plenty of.

I did have it out with my mother once, and believe me it was hard to do, they took my daughter out for a day after that, but that was short lived , never happened again.

I see grandparents with their grandchildren, and my heart just feels heavy that mine have not wanted to share those moments.

I have never been one to use them as babysitters, infact I could count on my fingers the amount of time they have looked after my children in over 23 years.

I have just got to accept that at least I am fortunate enough that financially they are willing and able to help.

I never had grandparents either, or aunties and uncle, only an adopted aunt and uncle, so for me it was great to know my kids had grandparents.

I guess my biggest fear is if I am ever lucky enough to have grandchildren ,I might be the same, I hope not, and will try not to be, but it does worry me.

My point of this thread is to share my feelings, which I have kept to myself for many years, apart from sharing with my partner, and to see if anyone else has this situation and how they deal with it, because it does eat away at me,although I accept it is just the way it is going to be,its a little late now.

Thanks for listening.

[popcornbird]

Aww Carol. I'm so sorry to hear about this, and how much it causes you pain.

I only got to know one of my grandparents as a child, and that is because the others passed away when I was very young...and because they lived so far away, I never got to see them. My paternal grandmother that I *did* get to know also lived far, but she came to live with us for a year when I was about 8 years old. At that time, when she was staying with us...she caused my parents to feel the same way as you are feeling now. The reason...Well...she just never showed my brother and I the love most grandparents do. I figured the reason was because she had like 15 grandchildren that were much older than us (some up to 20 years older), and she gave all her love and time to them, years before we even existed. When she came to live with us, she constantly spoke about her other grandkids, and while that is understandable...obviously she would miss them...it hurt us so deeply that she didn't seem to care that we were her grandkids too. Oh well...She was sweet at times, but I just felt she didn't want to spend any time with us even when she was living with us...in the same home. It did hurt a lot when she passed away. I kept thinking that I never got to know my other 3 grandparents, and the one that I could've spent time with, didn't want to give my brother and I her time. So I know how you feel. Some people are just like that. I'm sure they mean well...but that is just how some people are.

[carole]

Thanks PCB, I don't even know why I posted this today, there was no particular reason, I guess it has just bothered me for so many years, I needed an outlet and PT is always good for that.

My parents love all the grandchildren, and I have to say treat them equally, they just don't interact with them as I see other grandparents,my mother always would say I'll have to have Melissa over, but it never happened, I hated to even ask them to look after her , and that was only on rare occasions, there was never anything for a young child to do there, she always said she should get some toys for her to play with, but she just did not do it, when she was little she used to ask to stay there, as all her friends were doing that, I think she did stay one night, but now she is nearly 13 and she just isn't interested any more., and I can't really blame her, Melissa still loves her grandparents just the same.

My father still works full-time but my mother is bored most of the time, and has so much time on her hands, but it still makes no difference, I know now that they are both getting on in years and probably don't have the energy and I understand that completely, but when the grandkids were younger my parents were only a few years older than myself.

The funny thing is the time Melissa did stay overnight, I think My mother really enjoyed it to be honest.

I feel both my kids and my parents have missed out so much really and it is a shame, and my sister's children as well.

On really thinking about it , my mother does make more of an effort than my Dad, he is just too darn busy, he is a workaholic, he does not even pop into see me ever, only if he is with my mother or to bring me something like some meat for the freezer, which is nice, but all the same it would be nice to see more of him, I just have accepted it I suppose, but it still hurts just the same.

My parents are really good people, I almost feel ashamed saying this about them, but it is the truth,and they have been extremely good to me in many ways, I just wish they were more giving in this area.

I hope I don't let history repeat itself, and can endeavour to be there in a different capacity for any grandchildren I may have.

For those of you who have grandparents that spend time with you, and do things with you, please count your blessings, you are very lucky.

[Samantha Puppy]

When people are faced with something unpleasant in life, to me, they have a choice. They can either use the unpleasant thing as a crutch for their own screw-ups or they can realize that it's unpleasant and work at being exactly the opposite.

Case and point. My father's mother was an alcoholic. My dad very easily could've gone down the same path and blamed it all on her, but instead he realized how it ruined his life and vowed never to be like that or do that to his own children.

Since it sounds like you recognize the problem, I have little doubt that you will be like my father and be just the opposite of how your parents are with your future grandchildren. Should you worry? All humans do. But I have faith that those who can see what needs improvement are the ones that will make it happen.

[joycenalex]

carole, i'm willing to bet that you'll be an active part of your grandchildrens' lives. you have an awareness that there can be a deeper richer bond and i think you'll establish that.

[Pawsitive Thinking]

I think you will be an excellent hands-on grandparent when it is your turn........how were your parents with you when you were a child? It could just be a generation thing.......my daughter is a lot more tactile with us than I was with my parents but that doesn't mean they loved me any less

[RobiLee]

{{{Hugs for you, Carole}}}

I can tell just by reading this post and all of your other posts that you are going to be a wonderful grandmother!

[moosmom]

Carole,

Boy, that IS alot of baggage to carry around all those years. But, you have every right to feel the way you do.

I grew up always having my grandparents around (my Mom's parents, that is). I was very close to my Nanny. I spent every weekend at their house, and went to church with Nanny every Sunday.

My daughter Amy, however, was slighted when it came to having a relationship with her grandfather (my Dad) and her uncle (my only brother, can you see a pattern here??)

My father, who was an alcoholic, became a recluse after his second wife (my stepmonster) passed away. THAT alone is a whole other story. So it was up to ME to bring my daughter over to his house, if I wanted them to have any kind of relationship. Seeing her grandfather with a drink in his hand all the time really upset her. He tried to buy her love by slipping her money. But she was really hurt that he didn't make any kind of an effort to see her on his own. My stepmother had ALOT to do with it. I could tell you if my Mom were alive, the situation would be totally different!!

When my daughter was diagnosed with brain cancer at the age of 16, he went to see her in the hospital ONCE! He told me it hurt him deeply to see her so vulnerable and helpless.

My brother has only seen his only niece twice in her entire life. Once when she was an infant, and again at my father's memorial service. He and his second wife (who I do NOT like) pretty much keep to themselves.

Believe me Carole, I understand where you're coming from. I have apologized to my daughter profusely for my totally disfunctional family. She says she understands, although deep down inside I know she is still hurt. She does have a wonderful relationship with her stepmother's parents who live in Florida. For that I am grateful.

My favorite saying is..."God created friends to apologize for bad relatives!!"

[carole]

Thank you all, your words of encouragement and your stories do indeed help me put things into perspective, I am lucky in many way's, my parent's are law abiding citizens, who have always worked hard all their life, they don't do anything illegal,and they are very giving people when it comes to helping out financially, sometimes I think its like guilt money though, if ya know what I mean, I think in hindsight they have just become a little selfish with their time, maybe I should have forced it more, but it is not in my nature to do that, I don't believe grandparents should be used as babysitters all the time, and some people do that, but I guess feeling that way, I just should have been more pushy, I kind regret that.

Every year my parents go to the Gold Coast Aussie, I have always wanted to ask them to take Melissa with them, I would pay for everything, but I cannot even bring myself to ask them, I think my Dad would be ok, but My mother would think it would encringe (sp)on her holiday,I mean it would have only been the one time, it is just too late now, they have stopped going now, and it would have been an excellent opportunity for her, pity they don't ever think to offer anything like that, still not the end of the world is it?

Emigrating to NZ I missed out on all my relatives, they are really strangers to me now, but luckily many have come over to NZ and I have loved them all, they are such nice people, but I really did feel it as a child, that I missed out and I guess I did, I suppose that is why is seems so much sadder to me, that my kids have missed out and never really needed to.

Well you cannot change the past, but you can change the future, yes I sure hope if I am ever blessed with grandchildren, that I can make a much more considerable effort than my parents, and be a big part of their lives, they probably will get sick of me, lol, my parents always spoilt my kids with presents, and there was some interaction, but just not enough quality time together, actually being with them and doing stuff with them.

Phew it really has helped to talk about this, it has been brewing up inside for so many years, it's a relief to get it out and talk about it, thank you for your kindness and understanding everyone.

[moosmom]

Carole,

That's what great friends are for!! I hope everything works out in the end!

(((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))

Donna

[CalliesMom]

My father was in the military so we never lived near grandparents. The only family I have ever had has been my father, mother, and two brothers. Around the time I was born, my mother and father's family began to have "issues." My mother physically abused my oldest brother when he was very young adn there has been rumors my entire life of my mother's infidelity (my father told me they were all true when I was 18). Because of this, my mother refused to let me see my father's family after my grandmother's last visit at age 5.

My mother has always had mental issues so that has only fueled her hatred for my father's family. She viewed these things as personal attacks and could not understand why my father even talked to his family, though the last time he had seen them was when my grandmother came to visit when I was 5.

I have to be honest that it never really bothered me growing up. I, of course, knew I had grandparents and KNEW it was because of my mother that we were not allowed to see them. She used my second oldest brother and I as a way to get back at my father's family "You can't see your grandchildren..how do you like that?"

My father died when I was 20 and shortly thereafter, my oldest brother moved to Georgia. I finally got to meet my grandmother and the rest of my father's family the first Christmas I flew out to visit my brother (my grandmother lives in FL). It was devastating; here are these wonderful people I never knew. This was the woman who raised my father to be the wonderful man that he was and I have younger cousins who lived next door and I got to see the relationship she has with them. The relationship I WOULD HAVE HAD if it had not been for my mother.

My husband and I have visited several times since then; of course, without my mother knowing. It still saddens me, though, because I know these people are my family but the bond is just not there. I see my cousins once a year and never talk to them on the phone; I feel like an outsider because they all grew up knowing each other and here I am "the one with the crazy mom and the uncle they never knew."

I've been able to let go of much of the pain since my father's death. There was a time that I HATED my mother for all her ugly and selfish ways..my grandmother didn't even recognize the picture of my father at his memorial. He had a beard and was obviously older than the last time she had seen him fifteen years ago. BUT at the same time, my father easily could have left my mother so in the end, whose fault is it really?

Despite all this, I did have a fairly good childhood. My mother is a whack job but she was always involved in our field trips, birthday parties, whatever and my father was more of a mother to us than anything. I guess what I'm saying is that grandparents are important but as long as you give your children love that is all that is important. It's not the number of people who love you but the quality of the love you receive.

[NoahsMommy]

Carole,

I'm glad you're able to get this out, I can see how it'd bother you and upset you if you kept it inside.

Unfortunately, we are unable to pick our family. I have a really disfunctional family outside my mom and brother...and we don't associate with them because nothing positive ever comes from it.

When my parents divorced, my dad's side of the family pretty much forgot us. I know that hurt my mom deeply to see them turn their back on her when my brother so desperately needed a positive male figure in his life and my uncle just "stayed out of it". Its very sad because it would have been neat to grow up with a family.

I know you'll be an excellent grandparent, Carole. Just seeing that this bothers you shows you're going to be great and attentive.

Hugs,
Kelly

[carole]

Thanks for all the wonderful replies, I suppose what bother's me the most is that really my parent's are so normal in every other respect, I don't really see them as dysfunctional or my family as such, in some way's that makes it worse, if there were some major issues I could understand it more, and it just makes it that much harder, ah well, one just accepts things, because one cannot change them, and that is life.