Please don't beat yourself up over this. All of this was over 20 years ago. You never intentionally abused or neglected Aysche, you gave him the best you could at the time. That was a pretty lethal combination of cat disease and a lot wasn't really known then compared to now. Even though his life was cut short by a situation that couldn't be prevented, you loved him and he took comfort in that. Aysche doesn't hold it against you, he's grateful for what you gave him while he was with you. Now Kirsten, forgive yourself.