I have to chime in from the woman's point of view. When I first got out of high school I lived with a guy who was 8 years older than me. At first, of course, things were wonderful and we were oh so in love. Then, slow but sure the beatings started - yes, he was beating me. It didn't start out as full blown beatings, and really never got that far either now that I think about it. But he would punch me and throw me around and at one point I ended up with so many bumps and bruises and 2 black eyes - which was the worst beating I can remember. Since I was living with him, I didn't see my family all that often, but I remember after this beating I just had to go visit - I needed my mommy. Eventually I got up the gumption to leave him, but I was afraid for quite awhile that he would come after me. I actually wanted to move to California to get away from him. Thank goodness he found another girlfriend relatively quickly and got over me - whew!

So that's the background, now to try and explain the psychology behind it all.... I was with him for three years. Like I say, at first it might have been just a slap, and well, that's not so bad, you can always justify that, especially when he says he's sorry and it will never happen again. Then it progressed to the raging fits where anything and everything in his way was subject to his fists. But this only seemed to happen when he was drunk and he was alway so terribly sorry the next day, and so sweet and loving, how could I not forgive him? Then when it came to the black eyes and such, he said we would have to break up because he couldn't stand to see what he had done to me, making me feel sorry for him and wanting to help him - the poor tortured soul! And I don't say that sarcastically, that's how I really felt! He was just a poor little boy whose mother had died and his father remarried and his stepmom was a witch and I could make it all better or him.

Eventually, after much, much, much more drama - not always in the beating department - it finally sunk into my thick head that he wasn't a poor tortured soul....or maybe he was, but I couldn't save him and in my eyes he was losing the tortured soul image and taking on a loser image - which is still how I see him today. I eventually got up the nerve to leave and it was the best decision of my life, and I just wish I would have done it the first time he hit me.

I did learn, however, that the first hit is only the beginning, and if anyone does that to me again - I'll be otta there so fast their heads will spin! It did make me a stronger person and made me determined to never be financially dependent on a man, so it wasn't all for naught, but there just has to be a better way to learn that lesson.

Anyway, not that this helps you much, but at least maybe it gives some insight into what the wife is thinking/feeling. I do know that she will deny everything until she is ready to leave. It's like smokers or alcoholics - they won't quit until they hit rock bottom and know in their own minds that they need to - and can do - something about it.

Talking to her about it would be a great first step. If she totally denies everything then at least you know you tried, but it might just be the final straw in her camel's back and she will realize she needs help.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do, and I think Corinna said it best. Just think how guilty you would feel if you did/said nothing and something really awful happened to her or one of the kids.