Tina, I have been pondering how best to respond here over the past day or so. I realize you are feeling particularly sensitive and vulnerable right now, and that the least bit of disapproval feels like a punch to the gut, and perhaps with each one you feel a bit more of a failure. I'm torn between understanding what you are going through with this depression, being worried for your family and pets, and being worried for you. I know how utterly dark and miserable and suffocating depression can be, day after day. I know how something new and exciting can lift that for awhile, and how after awhile one seeks out that feeling to push away the day to day misery. It can feel like you are drowning, and a drowning person will instinctively grab ahold of anything to keep afloat.

I tell you this from personal experience. I did not take on more dogs and cats, though I cannot rule out that I wouldn't have if my mom and living situation would have allowed it. I'd go out and get something beautiful that I could care for, most often fish or plants. For awhile they would push away the darkness and I'd feel actually happy inside. Inevitably, at some point I would just take on too much, and the weight of all the responsibility would begin pushing me back down. Then I'd see a plant here or there dying because I had neglected it, or the fish swimming in a dirty tank, and suddenly I felt lower than low, disgusted and ashamed of myself, my energy and will power went out the window and I slumped down deeper than ever. So I would work to fix the problem, lighten my load by giving away the plants and fish to people I knew, because I was just too overwhelmed and didn't have the money to take proper care of all of it. It was a vicious cycle. I don't know if this is what is going on with you, but it is what went on with me. I was not a bad or unloving person, and neither are you. But I did have problems.

Like you, I finally did seek help. Counseling did not do a lot for me, but it can help some people a lot. I also went on an antidepressant for a time, which helped some. But what helped me the most was reading and learning all about the disease of depression. The more I understood what was going on, the more I didn't feel so controlled by it. I read a lot of self help books, books on relaxation and meditation, books on dealing with anxiety and depression, feel-good books like the Chicken Soup for the Soul series. I think those helped me the most. Getting involved in a club or group of some type can be a very healing thing as well. Perhaps look into doing therapy with one of your dogs, or agility, or something fun you can do together. If you can't afford because of the upkeep of too many pets, perhaps it would be best to rehome some so you could truly spend some time doing something with one. I'm not trying to tell you what you should or shouldn't do, I'm trying to throw out options or ideas, because Tina I think some things need to change or be done for you to start healing and pulling out of this rut you are in emotionally.

Jake is a beautiful puppy, and precious. If you feel you can really provide him the home and attention and training he needs to have the best quality of life he can, go for it with all your heart. If you feel deep down you can't really give him what he needs, and that will later cause you shame and guilt, then perhaps foster him instead, and help find him the perfect home. But you will need to go with your heart on it, because you are right, only you truly know what is going on with your life. Tina, I wish you, your family, and all your furkids the best. Try to be strong, it is hard, but I have confidence in you. I made it through, and I never thought I'd be strong enough. That's why I know you can too.