Lisa, I'm sooo sorry you have had to endure so many times of having your heart ripped open. I have been in your shoes more times than I wish to count, and I have to think of the "what ifs" of the whole situation. What if you had never rescued and taken them in and loved them? They most likely would be dying a slow painful death outside never having known any human kindness or love. They knew love however short their time here was. They had warm dry beds, and nourishing food to eat every day. They knew that feeling of deep sleep that most outdoor feral kitties never enjoy as they have to be alert for preditors. I know this isn't much consolation right now, but things will get better..they have to! Kiss all your others and tell them you (we all) love them. I have had a heartwrenching year as well, so know pretty much what you're going through. I'm so sorry that you are going through such Hell right now. Praying things get better Lisa. ((HUGS)) Jan