How can i bond with my mums dog?

[3CaniBellisimi]

Hello All,

Here is how I'm assessing the posts: In the first post from Ky, she was asking for help because she feared she "hated" Beth, the dog who is her mother's dog. Unfortunately, in that 1st post, KY didn't really go into what exactly was the root cause for her discomfort with Beth the dog and no one was replying to her post. It wasn't until she asked for help a 2nd time, that she got some answers and some requests to be more specific. In response to another poster, Ky detailed a situation of how Ky has linked this dog's barking at night to a ghost that supposedly used to haunt the house in which Beth the dog used to live.

Until that "ghost post", KY didn't identify a specific trigger for her feelings associated with the dog. And when a poster suggested a shrink/psychiatric help was in order, Ky seemed to get upset or embarassed and deleted the ghost post. She also said she'd ignore the poster's sugestion of psychiatric counseling. It is unfortunate that the ghost post got deleted because it seemed like they represented Ky's honest feelings and assessment of this situation. That particular post provided much more background and clarity to this situation than is apparent if you view the thread after that post was deleted.

I get the impression that KY lives with her mother. And from Ky's posts, I got the impression that the dog Beth lived in another household until Ky's mother took in the dog. And if Ky is walking, and grooming, feeding the dog and living in the same household with it, if the dog's presence unsettles KY to this great extent, then you had better believe that the dog is being affected by it too. If Ky is spending that much time with the dog, her witholding of affection towards it most likely impacts the dog.

I feel really bad for KY and believe her when she said she wanted help with this situation and wanted our advice. I was hoping that she reads our postings and I hope that they speak to her heart. It isn't to pick on KY or tell her nasty stuff to make her feel bad. Ky herself was questioning why she is treating the dog in this fashion and that seems healthy to me -- like she realizes it isn't the best way and maybe there is another way?

It seems to me like we should offer some solutions for her to make the situation more peaceful and positive for all involved. That is what I was hoping to accomplish with my previous post -- to get her attention and offer some suggestions to challenge the phobia and heal things with the dog.

I think we are on the wrong track here if we are talking about how much abuse and by whom is too much for a dog to take. Who cares if the the abuse isn't coming from the person who is the dog's registered owner if it is happening in the same household? Even if it wasn't in the same household, would anyone here tolerate a neighbor abusing their pet? Abuse is abuse and talking about how much is minimal or expected just discounts the severity of the situation. Just because the postings in this thread might have caused discomfort to some of us, I think we would be doing a diservice to KY and to her dog if we aren't honest.

If you hired a dog sitter to walk, feed, and groom your dog, would you tolerate that sitter being emotionally abusive to your pet (even though they did feed,groom and walk the dog)? You wouldn't tolerate it because sometimes emotional abuse is a stepping stone that can easily escalate to verbal and physical mistreatment. If you had a teenage or young adult child in their 20s living at home who was having conflicted feelings, intense fear of ghosts, and exhibiting emotionally abusive behavior to your family pet...would you tolerate that situation? I hope not. I hope you'd love your daughter and offer help, guidance, and find away to make it healthy for the daughter and the pet's mental health too. Maybe KY's mom isn't aware of the situation but KY brought it to this forum to us and asked us to provide feedback. Maybe KY doesn't want to hear some of what we have to say but I think we can provide the honest feedback she herself requested.

Make no mistake, witholding affection is a vicious form of abuse. Ask any mental health professional what that will do to a child in a home where affection is witheld -- they will tell you (without hedging on the answer) that deliberately witholding affection is abuse.

And no, I don't think KY is crazy. I think she sounds confused, upset, and has alot of fear behind her behavior. And I think she is transferring that onto the dog. I also think she can be a caring individual because she recognizes that she doesn't treat other dogs in this fashion and so she is trying to assess her responsibility in this particular situation.

If she really does NOT want our sincere advice, then there isn't much that can be done. Perhaps she will take our advice to heart and decide that she doesn't want to treat the dog in this fashion anymore.

There is nothing new about this type of dynamic with pets -- people have linked superstition and paranormal things to their pets for centuries. Unfortunately, black cats and pets have paid the price for when this type of dynamic gets out of hand. If fear takes over and rules a person's judgement, it can contribute to a person doing things which they may later regret or question.

I hope that KY, the dog, and her family make some changes so that this situation doesn't continue.

Best wishes to all,
Anna Lisa

[aly]

Anna Lisa,

Just wanted to say thanks for taking the time to share your concerns and insightful advice. I agree with you and hope your posts will help Ky out.

[K9soul]

I'm rather stumped on any actual advice to offer here, but wanted to share a few thoughts.

When I had to live with my mother-in-law for a time, I had to send one of my dogs, Cody (RB) to live with someone else for a time because she could only have two dogs in the house and she already had a sheltie named Devon. I chose Cody as the one to live apart rather than Willie because Cody bonded more easily with anyone and everyone, Willie and I were much more inseparable. Anyway, I noticed after awhile that I felt more detached and unenthusiastic with Devon than I usually felt around dogs. Though I did not feel hatred towards him, I definitely had a feeling of "he's not one of mine" and became more easily aggravated with the doggie things he did, like when he chewed up a piece of my clothing, woke me up at 5 a.m. weekend mornings barking wildly at the paper boy, etc.

I explored my feelings of discomfort around him, and came to the conclusion that it was a mixture of things involving the situation that I was somewhat reflecting onto the dog. I think the biggest was that his presence caused me to have to be separated from Cody. The other thing that aggravated it was my mother-in-law, and brothers-in-law when they visited, indulged Devon a lot, letting him do things that my dogs were strictly not allowed to do, such as getting on furniture, etc.

I made an effort to help some of these feelings by taking over Devon's care quite a bit while I was there. I groomed him, walked him, fed him his evening meal. After awhile, I began to feel more maternal feelings towards him, I would get irritated to see people sneaking him treats of people food because he was already overweight. I took on training him better behavior as he was an incessant barker about anything, I started making him sit when ever he cut loose barking crazily. I also threw frisbee for him and worked on teaching him to come more reliably. Like everyone suggested previously, all of this really seemed to help me work through my own particular problem.

I think what this definitely shows though is it isn't just random dislike or hatred for the dog you are feeling, there is a cause that you associate with the dog and so project it onto the dog, without intending to at all of course. You don't WANT to dislike this dog, obviously. The only way I can see you working through it is finding the source, and working through the source. I am not sure how possible this would be for you though.

Have you spoken to your mother about your feelings any, or are you afraid to? If she's the understanding type who would listen to you, I think it could be a very helpful thing bringing this to her to talk about. She knows you personally the way none of us do, so she might have much greater insight to offer you. It really sounds to me like, deep down you want to take her paw when she offers it. It hurts you not to, and it hurts you to see her trying and yet just not feel what you want to feel, but right now there is something walling off your ability to feel and respond the way you normally would with a dog.

I wish I had more to offer you Ky, I truly wish the best for all involved in this situation. I know you must be tormented inside by it all.

[Rio and Me]

I think i may have figured it out???
Well i live with my mum, Beth is mums dog, Mizzy is my bro's dog (mizzy does nothing, craves nothing, like a large bear), Rio was here before beth so her being the "Top" dog getting all the attention, now beth is here Rio does like to share anything, people mostly, so rio is no longer top dog.
Rio see's beth as somthing she has to kept away from me (rios main provider of everything), so beth trys harder to get close and rio pushes her away harder, corsing fights now and then, rio is my angel and i take rios side therefore disliking beth.
Rio getts upset when i'm petting any other dog so i never had a chance to bond with beth because i was giving more attention to rio, sort of habbit of ignoring beth.
Also i gave beth a bath, groom and walk today and not once did i wounder why m i doing it, i enjoyed it, so the first step i think is to do more with her.
Thansk for the tips etc
Ky and Rio

[guster girl]

I really hope it works out for you and Beth. You can love both puppies. Good luck!