Why couldn't I just...

[Prairie Purrs]

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. And I hope your husband goes through with the family counseling, and that it makes a real difference in your entire family's relationship. But if he backs out of counseling, or if he keeps insisting that everything wrong is your fault because you're too "insecure," then it doesn't sound like a relationship that you'd really want to continue.

I spent seven years in an emotionally wrenching relationship, during which my ex insisted that everything that was wrong between us was the result of my battles with chronic depression. And this was coming from someone who had been diagnosed as bipolar! He finally told me that he had to move out because my "insecurities" were causing him too much stress. Well, it turned out that he moved out because he was cheating on me and wanted to move in with the other woman.

I'm certainly not suggesting that your situation is the same. What I am saying is to watch out for anybody who tries to blame you for his relationship shortcomings. It's a cruel and selfish thing for someone to do.

[Queen of Poop]

No you aren't - you have all of us - who care and will respond when you need us.

I know that this is a very difficult time for you - and my heart goes out to you.

Thank you. Thank you so very, very much.

[K9soul]

My situation is really different in some ways.. but I am going through the death of my relationship with my husband, the man whom for 11 years I have felt was my soulmate. The pain is indescribable, excruciating, harder than anything I've gone through in my life. So I do feel I know a measure of the pain in your heart, the fear, insecurity, and devastation. If you need to talk, I'm only a PM away. You are in my thoughts, and in my prayers. Please hold onto the fact that you are a very special person, a worthy person, and deserving of the same kind of love you feel for your husband. You have us here at PT, and are not alone. Never forget that.

[momoffuzzyfaces]

REMEMBER: THERE ARE WORSE THINGS IN LIFE THAN BEING ALONE!!!

I've never been married but I've had a couple of near misses!!! Each time my engagements ended, I thought my life had too! Then I started remembering how they treated me or mistreated me and I realized if I never have another man in my life that treats me that way, I'll die a happy women!!!

I do NOT need someone in my life who constantly critizes me!
I do NOT need someone in my life who thinks they are better than me!
I do NOT need someone in my life who demands their own way all the time!
I do NOT need someone in my life who constantly puts others before me!
I WILL NOT have anyone in my life who abuses me or makes me feel less of myself than I am.

I had a friend whose father told her that "you are not better than anyone else on the planet but you are sure AS GOOD as they are!"

I tend to believe that now.

Heck, your husband should be grateful he has you! I'd have drop kicked him to the curb a long time ago!

By the way, both of the guys came back and wanted me to take them back; they got the door slammed in their faces !!!

[Catty1]

Here's a board I have posted on(the only other board I HAVE ever posted on). It is breakup support, and has good people on it...or I wouldn't have stayed there for two years.

Please check it out; like here, it is free, but you have to register. Or just post as a guest.

www.breakingup.net

Catty1

[gini]

Just dropped by this thread to check up on you today.

Even though in numbers we don't have that many women (under 10,000 isn't a huge number), but we sure do have a wide range of experiences that we are willing to share in order to help you.

I have been divorced now for a number of years and I cannot begin to tell you how special it is to be who I am - not what someone else wants me to be for them.

A dear male friend (who also was my ex's best friend) told me that my ex was one of the most selfish people he had ever known. Boy, does that ever stop you in your tracks. I thought about that long and hard - and realized that he was right. Just that one sentence helped me more than I could begin to tell you.

[Queen of Poop]

I'm at work today. Haven't had any crying fits, yet. Typed up the events of the fight and then what followed and sent it to my counselor. She can't see me for a while but I figured I'd better get her up to speed while it's all fresh in my mind. Also sent a copy to hubby, which he promptly dissed as crap, it just served to make him more angry. While I still love him very much, I spent some time this morning going over my last 3 years worth of calendars, as I track the fighting/drinking episodes. Way too many for the good of any relationship. I don't know which way to turn. He is supposed to be finding us a family counselor as per his conditions. Perhaps this can help us become one again, or allow me to finally see the light and end it. At this point I don't know what I want.

[Vela]

I don't like to offer advice in situations like this, but I honestly don't see counseling as any sort of help. He seems abusive emotionally, rude, and inconsiderate, and unless he is going to do a 180 in his attitude, I don't see a lot for your future with him. I feel really bad saying anything like that but just from what you have said that is how it appears. I wish you the best of luck, I'm sure it's very difficult, but you need to think about you too, not him. He obvoiusly isn't thinking about you and yoru feelings in this at all, so try to take care of yourself the best you can.

[carole]

Gayle i am so happy to hear you chose to have counselling by yourself for yourself, even though you think it is futile because the family is not involved ,from what i read and hear it is not, working on yourself can indeed change things, it only takes one person to make changes not necessarily two, i never believed that but there is really a ring of truth to it all, but i guess it depends on who you are dealing with, it is something Dr Phil swears by,when you make changes, others follow suit, they can't help but do so.

I still think that getting everyone involved would be a good move all the same, I don't mean to pry but is your husband demanding a separation because of problems with his children only,? and believe me they can cause many even if they are your own flesh and blood, there is usually more to it than that, lack of communication is often one of the biggest problems between people.

I have no experience of step children, infact i have been on the other side, i met and married my husband with a child already, and yes there were problems at times, i found myself always being very defensive over my son, which is probably what your hubby is doing, it is hard on both step-parent and natural parent,i can see it from both sides, even to this day and my son is all grown up and legally adopted at ten by my husband, i defend him or take things the wrong way, feel like hubby is getting at him,and favouring our daughter, one has to be careful not to ruin one's relationship over children, but it is so easily done.

I am very sad to hear how heavy your heart is right now and that you are suffering, i do hope things work out and hubby will put things into perspective a little, maybe you could even mention what i wrote above as i understand his position somewhat, but i also understand your's too.

Take care and keep up the counselling, you might find that this is the breaking point of your relationship with your husband, and even though at first it is not what you wanted, you might come round to thinking that it is for the best and what you do want, it sounds as though things have been a bit tough all round,whatever you decide to do I wish you all the best and hope you can find peace and happiness. HUGS.

[Queen of Poop]

I am so angry it's not funny. I knew HE'd do it. Recall earlier I posted here about his conditions. I fulfilled all of my part. I apologized to his kids, etc. Now when it comes to the counsellor that we were to see until all was well, it won't happen. He says that there is no time in the schedule. Guess he really doesn't care to put this back together any time soon. I've been spending every weekend with him and a few days of the week. He's put it all on me. It is all my fault. We live apart cause he and his kids don't know when I will freak out again. Well isn't that nice. All of the fights are my fault. Yep, my fault he kicked in our bedroom door. My fault he spit in my face. Probably my fault that he drinks 2-3 beer on his drive home every day. And yes, he drinks and drives, with passengers, me and/or the kids. Thanks for letting me vent. I'm still real angry. I don't know what to do now.

[K9soul]

Gayle, that's awful. Honestly I think what you need to do now is what is best for YOU, and from what you are saying this relationship does NOT sound like something that is good for you (or for anyone). You do NOT need to be treated that way. He really doesn't seem interested in putting any effort into this the way you have been . At the same time I know how difficult it is to think about "what next?" I feel particularly touched by all of this because I am going through the "death" of my marriage now... there are no easy answers, but I feel so much for you. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Please take care of YOU and do what you feel is best for yourself right now. You have really tried your hardest in all of this and it's not going to get anywhere without him working at it too.

[carole]

Gayle hon i think it is time to put yourself first and really ask yourself why you want to hang on to this relationship so much, I can only go by what you are telling us and your last post really worried me, the fact you are letting him take you and the kids in the car when he has been drinking, please don't let him to that to you, you are worth way more than that,he has no right to risk your life and others period.

If he is not prepared to take any responsibility for his part in this relationship folding then you are beating your head against a brick wall,until then honestly from what you say you are better off without him, but then that is easy for me to say, I am not you or in your shoes, i just want you to know that i really do feel for you and the situation you are in,only you can make the decision where to go from here, I wish you all the best and the courage you need to make the right decision for you.,but truthfully Gayle if any man spat in my face he would have been long gone, no-one has the right to abuse you that way.

Take care Hon and again all the best .

[Catty1]

The ANGRY stage! GOOD!

When you realize what crap you have been accepting and agreeing with...and the anger gives you energy to do the RIGHT thing.

You know what that is.

You'll leave - and years later, they'll still have the same problems. Because they have not tried to change...and YOU have.

You're the winner here, Gayle - I know it doesn't feel like it right now.

As some wise person said: "Time wounds all heels."

You go girl!

Catty1

[catnapper]

Gosh, I am so sorry to hear this. I can't imagine having it all dumped on my sholders. There's NO WAY its all your fault. It takes two to make a marriage and two to make the battles within it.

Once I was with a guy who made me feel like everything was my fault. I cried every night on my way home from his house. I stopped at Dunkin Donuts and ate half a dozen donuts alone in the car during my ride home (crying and creme powdered donuts make curious companions on the road). Oh yeah, that was one happy relationship I was desperate to get out but couldn't bring myself to admit I made a mistake and chose the wrong man. The day he finally ended it, I cried.... tears of relief. I was free. It was amazing. I knew I was released to find the right guy who would treat me right and love me the way I was meant to be loved. Like Gini, 6 months later he came back for me. I told him that he didn't want me then, why shold he think he wants me now? Boy was that empowering!

If your marriage is over, then let it die and be free to find happiness on your own. If its not over, then fight for something you truly believe in and find a way to make it work.

I tell you, honestly, if I knew step parenting was going to be this hard I'd have run before the first date. Nobody has a clue as to how hard it is to be a step parent until they've been there. Its not just you and your spouse in the relationship... its you, the kids, and the ex. Its hard enough to keep a marriage going with just two people working together, but it gets even trickier with others stepping in. (((HUGS)))