Well, I gotta put this somewhere...gentle vent?

[Catty1]

I thought of the Prayer thread. And then General. Then here. So it's here.

As Christmas was coming up, I was sad. It reminds me of a symptom of depression; it feels almost like physical pain in the diaphragm.

This will be disjointed, I was thinking if I just wrote it down, it's out of my head and answers will come. From some PTrs, some from life.

I arrived in the province of Alberta in 1999 from Ontario. I had been in ON for 12 years, the longest I had been anywhere. I had some real roots, and had lived up in what's called Blue Mountain country (hate the pottery). Hills, and artistic community galore - a recording studio where I did some pre-CD work, and arranging work on a classically-oriented recording by another artist.

I was broke, and unwell. My mom and sister had just moved from BC to Alberta. I went for a visit in early 99, and though my mom honestly doesn't remember saying this, she asked me to consider moving there, saying, "I have a hell of a life here."

Dad had died in 1996; my sister was now full-time in a wheelchair after having had MS for 10 years. She lived with my mom, quite independently, in a separate part of the half-duplex.

Back in Ontario, I had a cash job as receptionist at a gold resource office on Bay St. (I am not making that up - it was a hoot!). I finally decided that if I didn't go, I would regret it - I used the 'deathbed' decision, which I use for tough choices. I imagine myself looking back on my life and seeing myself having done all the options - and that shows me the right thing to do.

After Dad died, I had this fear that Mom and sister and I would wind up being a bunch of old maids living together. Sounds horrible - but I was mentally ill at the time, and it was untreated. During my first year in Alberta - where I stayed in the finished basement, beautiful bedroom and living area and 4 pce bath - I went into rages and sobs. I truly felt like the gut had been ripped out of me when I left Ontario, the only place I had ever had a touchstone - and behaved poorly in Alberta.

I did enjoy being my sister's champion, as mom would not even allow her to pour cream into her own coffee! And when my sister wanted to rent and try a walker, Mom was really iffy, and my attitude was, "Let her try." She worked really hard with it for a couple of weeks, and realized on her own that it wouldn't work for her.

Okay, part 2 next post

[Catty1]

Ok, December 2007. My sister died April 2006, having been in long-term care for 4 years. Mom had her cats, one of whom got cancer and after major expensive surgery (before we knew it was cancer), was euthanized on my birthday. (that's just how it worked out).

I have rarely dated, playing music is nothing to me any more. Mom, although hale and healthy and energetic, would really like her and I to have a side-by-side to live in - separate dwellings. Maybe in the next year.

I have long lost sight of anything I really want. To make things better for pets in the area, and am working on that. But though I was technically 'free' after my sister died, there was nowhere I wanted to go.

Hysterectomy this year. This fall, the dwindling end of a job that had been abusive and horrid...another job falling into my lap, which is in someone else's home office. I pick up family vibes in home offices too easily.

Anyway, guys - I was stupid with money, when I started earning MORE at this second job, I got to actually get some new clothes (outlet store!). I got rid of some ugly wall units...and just wanted, for once, to get bookcases just a BIT nicer than plain particle board/thrift store style.

So...credit card is up there a bit. I just crunched the front of my car the other day. I can get it fixed without insurance (can't afford that option), but will still be up to $1,000. I WISH my previous job would pay me the $2,000+ they owe me...they now have been turned into an investment group on the way to becoming another company.

Today is a day without deadlines of any kind, even chiro appointments. I need more of those. Yesterday I was supposed to go play a set at a homeless shelter in Calgary, and I wound up having a meltdown at home with a bad nosebleed and had to cancel out. Calmed down and went to mom's - she has been really good, and assured me I was NOT going crazy again, that I just had a lot on my plate. (PS I got treatment for one, then two conditions after coming to Calgary, and am glad of that).

I just don't know where I am supposed to go, what I am supposed to do. Not fit, no niche. What kind of job - I have done all the tests in workshops and stuff - my area is Communicator and writing, but don't know what job I would be happy with.

Is it possible to find a job and be happy with it? To have a sense of purpose?

I had read and heard that a good thing is to pray for others what you wish for yourself. I did that in the prayer thread...hey, it happened for someone there!

I like to help...maybe I need a few year off that to recharge, 30 years, say...

And maybe a boyfriend, if I can get out of this social panic/staying housebound where possible. There are good guys out there, aren't there?

Okay, time to click Submit. I don't know if this will do any good - but THANK YOU for reading. Maybe my recently whacked out thyroid is up again...oh well, I see the specialist in February...

Thanks again for following the zany map here...verbal pinball machine I can be...

ETA: I didn't fall into any spirit of Christmas this year, which seems to mean speeding up and smiling and hitting the Auto switch. I got cards from my sponsees, and I am glad for my mom being alive and having my cats.

It just seems some days I automatically think about when I DON'T have my mom or my cats any more...I hate that happening (the thoughts).

Have been doing a journal to God every morning, and started on the Flylady course, to try and get organized. It's hell getting to bed early enough since the surgery too.

I'll shut up now...

[cassiesmom]

(((HUGS))) and prayers

[Karen]

Now, now, dear, things will get better. And there are good jobs, and there are good guys out there ... you'll find them when you aren't looking - that's usually how it happens!

[lvpets2002]

Candace Bigg Huggss & More Bigg Huggss.. Hey you could always move down here to Texas = due to the sudden often Weather Changes for sure keeps your mind busy on what to wear each day.. {just a wittle hummor} Hey I got your picture Christmas Card Today & it was BreathTaken.. Just Loved It.. Many Thanks For Being Just You.. We would not want you to be any other way..

[Catty1]

But Helene....I would be at least partially covered in kitty cats every day if I were in Texas and visited you! That would be just....GREAT!

But thank you and thanks to those that have responded.

I just have to ride it out. It's just that the saddle sores make it hard to do.

thanks.