Need some advice for a wierd situation

[DJFyrewolf36]

Sigh, sometimes I really hate being me.

Let me explain...my roomate brought over this girl (For privacy reasons, I'll call her X) and it seemed like she was in real dire straits. Her boyfriend (who she was living with) decided to skip town and not tell her, leaving her homeless. She was also trying to recover from years of sexual and pysical abuse. So, me and the hubby decided that she could stay for a while and get back on her feet.

The more she stayed with us, the more psycho she became. At first she was really nice to us but then she started to get angry when we would do nice things for her. It was like the more we tried to help, the angrier she got. She started to date a friend of ours shortly after she moved in. I have a rule that I follow, never do anything sexual with someone while you are messed up on drugs or alcohol. X got really smashed at a party (our friend was smashed too) and they ended up sleeping with each other. After the fact, X came to us and said that she regretted doing anything with our friend and felt bad because he has feelings for her but she doesnt have any emotional feelings for him but then a couple of days later she takes all her stuff and moves in with the guy. We didn't try and stop her though, in fact we told her that she really could do whatever she wanted, she is an adult after all. She still came over though, and complained that our friend was being too forward with her. What do you expect when you move in with a guy you've been sexually involved with? We said that maybe she should talk to him, and express her concerns about what happened when they were messed up. She got mad at us for "trying to control her life" all we said was that she should TALK to the guy and if she didn't have feelings for him to just stop leading him on (he is a good friend of ours after all).

Fast forward a couple of weeks. We decide to take X to a party we were going to. She asked us before we left to make sure she didn't do anything stupid as she was planning on getting hammered. We said that we would make sure no one took advantage of her, but if she wanted to do things with people then it was on her, we arent a babysitting service. We left X alone with a few guys all night. We were off doing our own thing and only saw her once or twice in 10 hours. When it was time to go (the party was a good 3 hour drive away from home) we said to her "We're going" and she copped a major attitude. I didn't feel right about leaving her in California with guys she had just met but I did say that if she wasn't in our car by the time we had to go (This was 6:30 am sunday morning, I wanted to get back so I could rest up for work) then she could get a ride back with someone else. She decided to come with us. Last night (after sobering up a bit and not talking to us since Sunday morning) she came over and started accusing us of wanting to rape her, and that all we wanted to do was control who she hung out with because we wanted her as a sex slave. WTH?!?! She called my husband a two faced liar, and an abuser. I got angry enough that I ripped one of my shirts. I told her to get the blank out of my blanking house and not to come back. My husband stopped me from taking any further action which now that Ive calmed down I realize that violence is not the answer. X has been abused, and is on some very powerful anti-psycotics which are not reacting well to the large ammount of drugs she likes to take on a fairly regular basis. I feel bad for getting angry with her but at the same time, no one but no one calls my husband a rapist and an abuser of women. He's been nothing but good to me and even his Ex's that hate his guts say he never laid a hand on them or did anything without thier consent. I know my husband very well.
Should I have gotten angry? Should I still be angry now (I am a little, thinking about it now just makes my blood boil). Every spiritual bone in my body is telling me to forgive and forget (and to just not associate with X anymore) but there is a part of me that wants to go exact revenge. .
I could use some advice about this. What would you do in this situation?

[Tubby & Peanut's Mom]

I would do like you say and not associate with her anymore. Some people just don't know how to stay out of trouble, and she sounds like a text book example of that kind of person.

Is she still living with your friend? If so, getting her out of your life might not be easy, but you really need to do it because she will eventually drag you into her troubles - especially if you have a temper and can't take her BS very well.

Forget revenge, doesn't accomplish anything and you really won't feel better afterwards. Just work on getting her out of your life. Don't take her places, don't encourage her, if she comes over try and get rid of her as quickly as possible.

She obviously needs help but it doesn't really sound like she's ready to admit that yet.

[DJFyrewolf36]

I'll admit I am horrible at taking BS. I really dislike drama too and it seems that all X wants is BS and drama . She is still living with our friend but I don't know for how much longer as he isn't too interested in being accused of the same things she is accusing my husband of.

Is an abuse cycle I think. Shes been abused so long that she thinks that if anyone is being nice to her, they must want something (sexually mostly). She associates with people who are prone to being abusers and shies away from people actually doing some good for her.

[finn's mom]

I would tell your friend what's up with her. But, I wouldn't get too much more involved in that particular situation, and, I would tell your friend as much. He's an adult, too. He got himself into that situation with X, and, he should probably get out of it himself. I would also completely disassociate myself from her. She's toxin to herself and everyone around her, at this point. Maybe one day she'll realize, maybe she won't. But, you've done what you can and much more. You should wipe your hands of it. She needs more help, but, if she's unwilling to accept it, she's not ready. I think you should forgive her, but, that doesn't mean keep her in your life, trust her, help her, or anything else for that matter. It's just not good to hold grudges against people, it's more damaging to you than anyone else. Better to just rid yourself of that blood-boiling person, and, let her deal with her own issues. I definitely think revenge is an awful idea. Nothing you can do to that woman is going to even make a dent, if she's as drugged up or as screwed up mentally and emotionally as it sounds like she is. I mean, if she's been physically and emotionally abused and raped, there's not much more that can be done to her. I feel bad for her, and, I hope she's able to get help before her lifestyle ends her life. Good luck.

[JenBKR]

I agree, you need to get away from her. If she is mixing anti-psychotics with drugs and alcohol she will soon be in a hospital. Really BAD combo. She needs therapy. What is she on anti-psychotics for? She could be schizophrenic. She needs to be in a mental health facility NOW.

[DJFyrewolf36]

Originally posted by finn's mom
. I feel bad for her, and, I hope she's able to get help before her lifestyle ends her life.

Thats exactly what my husband said.

JenKBR, I don't know why she is on anti-psycotics exactly. Her dr called a couple of times over at our place and seemed really concerned for her. Unfortuneatly according to state law, unless she goes in herself voulentarily or actually tries to harm herself (and around here, drinking yourself to death doesn't count as harming yourself ) there isnt a whole lot a mental heath facility can do.

Hopefully she won't come over tonight and cause a scene. I guess she caused a ruckus over at my friends house after we told her to leave.

[finn's mom]

Originally posted by DJFyrewolf36
Hopefully she won't come over tonight and cause a scene. I guess she caused a ruckus over at my friends house after we told her to leave.

Just don't let her in. If you have to, get a restraining order. That's a crappy situation that you've found yourselves in. Unfortunately, it's usually the good people who give freely of themselves that get taken advantage of. I know from personal experience how true that is. But, at the same time, I'd rather be taken advantage of than never again try to help someone. I truly wish you luck in this. And, I'm sorry that she's disrupted your family, I hope you can get back to normal soon.

[Denyce]

Get your locks changed immediately. Especially if she ever had a key to the house...or even access to a key. But even if she hasn't you need to do this. Never ever be alone with her. Not yourself or your husband. ALWAYS have some third party around if you MUST interact with her. Never let her in your home again. What she is doing can be very dangerous for you both and for herself. You really need to think more about protecting yourselves than you do about her feelings. Don't ever give her anything else, including rides, money, food, or any other kind of help. I know this all sounds harsh but someone who is mixing alcohol, drugs and anti-psychotics and is already behaving in a totally irrational manner is EXTREMELY dangerous. I know you want to help, you want to protect your friend etc. But you need to protect yourselves first and foremost.

Don't try and take revenge just stay as far away as possible. Forgiving her in your heart is one thing....allowing her access to you and your life anymore is another.

Denyce

[catland]

You can't help someone if they won't help themselves. You've gotton some good advice here.

Stay away from her, she is trouble.

Take care of yourselves.

[DJFyrewolf36]

Thanks for the advice. I do think the best thing for us is to stay far away. I reciently found out too that "people are trying to kill her" but I don't know if thats her messed up perspective on things or if there are people who actually do want to hurt her. With as involved as she was/is in the drug scene it is entirely possible that someone is trying to hurt her but then again its possible too that she is being overly paranoid.

I wish I could do something to help and I wish I could get over being so angry. I realize that none of what X says is rational and I shouldnt hold it against her but its hard not to.

I should add on that at the party, one of our friends came to us and said that X was a bit too inebriated to be in a car full of guys by herself (Any guys, not just the ones she was with) and that we should probibly take her someplace to sober up. She completely flew off the handle when she found that out, and said we were lying just to oppress her and control who she hangs out with because we want her for ourselves. What makes people think like this? We were only making sure she didn't get into a hostile situation. Someone help me understand...

[finn's mom]

Originally posted by DJFyrewolf36
Thanks for the advice. I do think the best thing for us is to stay far away. I reciently found out too that "people are trying to kill her" but I don't know if thats her messed up perspective on things or if there are people who actually do want to hurt her.

Someone help me understand...

She also said that you guys were trying to rape her and use her as a sex slave. I would take everything she says with a grain of salt, if that. Including the bit about someone trying to kill her.

And, as for understanding. This is something I've been learning the hard way lately. It's not a matter of understanding. Heck, I don't understand half the things that have happened to me. I don't understand how some of the people in my life have turned on me and lied to me. And, they weren't into drugs or alcohol like this girl is.

It's all about acceptance. And, I am trying to "practice what I preach," because it's still difficult for me to accept that people just are the way they are. For better or worse.

It's ok to be angry, it really is. Just don't let it overtake your good sense or your life. Be angry, then, be done with it. I said this already, but, this woman is a toxin. Don't let her bitterness taint you for too much longer.

[DJFyrewolf36]

Its kind of funny Finns Mom, you and my husband share the same perspective. He said that God made her the way she is, and put her through what she's been through for a reason and we have to accept that. Hearing someone else say it really does help though.

[finn's mom]

Originally posted by DJFyrewolf36
Hearing someone else say it really does help though.

Well, that's what we are here for! I'm glad it helps, even if it's just a little. And, don't get me wrong, I don't know how I'd deal with the situation if I was faced with it. It's so much harder when you have it in front of you. But, I know how I'd want to handle it, and, that's the only advice I can honestly give.

[NoahsMommy]

How sad...

I agree with everyone here...she needs to figure this out for herself. Unfortunately, it sounds like she's going to hit rock bottom before she figures things out.

[barncat]

You are getting good advice. Survivors of abuse often re-enact the abuse cycle by becoming abusive to others or behaving in such dangerous ways that abuse happens again or can be IMAGINED to have happened again.

Take major space away from this person. If she has anti-psychotic drugs, she must have a doctor somewhere and must have some clue that she needs professional help. She sounds like at the moment she is an emotional danger to everyone around her.

You need to take care of keeping you and yours safe. Pray for her and keep far far away until you KNOW she is back in therapy with a professional she is really leveling with.

Many of my friends who ARE psychologists are very wary and careful when working with survivors with unintegrated abuse issues.