I'm sorry, I know this is getting old, always asking for prayers and the like but I had an old (eh, "buried" is more accurate) fear of mine renewed last week at the doctor's. It was my 3rd visit. My doctor walked in and said "Okay, you're 16 weeks and 5 days along. You need to decide whether or not you want the triple screen done. It's routinely done between 16 and 18 weeks. It screens for Down's Syndrome and neural tube defects." I asked him if he suggests that other patients get it and he said "It really depends on whether or not you think you're at risk, or if you want peace of mind. It's up to you." So I reminded him that I was born with spina bifida. He said "Well then I'd get it". I asked if the fact that my mother had another (stillborn) baby that had a neurological problem raised my chances of having a child with problems and he said "Well it certainly doesn't help. I can't make you get this test if you don't want to but you'd be stupid not to."
I've had this horrible fear since I first went to Johns Hopkins for tests years ago. I met with the Chief of Neurology and he said that my chances of having a child with a problem were raised because of my mother's history. So what my OBGYN said today wasn't a surprise. It just sort of unearthed that fear I had from years ago. If this baby has problems, it's my fault. It's my genes causing the neural problems. And I can't a damn thing about it. I've never felt more helpless than right now.
I went in for the bloodwork on Saturday. Results aren't available for one to two weeks, normally. I'm just so scared. If you could send some prayers or something... This poor baby's going to suffer enough being born to me - it doesn't need a neural defect on top of it. I don't remember ever being this scared. Not even before a needle -- which should tell you something.
Josh and I have talked though, and we've decided the course of action we take will be the same regardless of what the test results say. If it comes back abnormal, we'll be sent for a detailed ultrasound so we can *see* the damage and start making a plan for once the baby's born and we'll also be referred to a genetic counselor. But even if the results are normal, we are still going to ask for a detailed ultrasound (for peace of mind as we've been told this specific test isn't the most accurate) as well as a referral to a genetic counselor to discuss the probabilities and possibilities of this issue with our future children. (I'd wanted to meet with a counselor BEFORE we started our family for just this reason but yeah... that kind of went out the window once my husband's swimmers decided to ignore the fact that I was on the pill.) Even though our plan of action is the same regardless of the results, it would still be much better if they came back normal. Some of my friends are "What does it matter if you're doing the same thing either way?" It matters.
On a slightly happier note, I have an appointment for a sonogram on Wednesday. If my baby is cooperating, I'll be able to tell you on Thursday if it's a Nugget or a Nuggette. So throw in a prayer that we can see IT (or as I'm hoping, lack of IT) because I *really* want to know.
Thanks.
Jaime
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