Weighing on my mind

[catnapper]

As some of you might know, I have a teenager step-daughter that has been getting into trouble. Our relationship has plummeted since the last escapade... I am sure everything she says will be a lie, and she is sure everything I say will be criticism. Hubby is doing NOTHING to help here. He's afraid of choosing sides, so stands idly by while we "duke it out".

Well, its gotten to the point where she blatantly ignores me and won't even acknowledge me. Which, in some circumstances might be ok.... give her time to think and move on. BUT she's not moving on. Its getting worse. And the more distant she becomes, the more hurt I get, and the more mad I get at her actions.

Hubby's taking college courses this summer, and won't be home at all. I will be responsible for picking her up from swimming practice every day. Do you know what that car ride's like? A knife could cut through the silent tension. Then he's also taking a few courses out of town -- leaving her and me ALONE in the house for a week. I jokingly told hubby not to be surprised to come home with only one of us left standing.

ANY ideas on how I can make things better? I'm TRYING (and failing) to bite my tongue and ignore all the things I see. Everywhere I look, I catch her in another lie. Hubby says she's lying because she's afraid to tell the truth. Yeah, whatever to that one!

I thought perhaps if I took her for her permit and then susequently teach her to drive that perhaps we'd get better... but she WON'T talk to me. How can I teach a person to drive who won't even say "hello" to me when I say hi to her in the mornings? AND if I just decide to get her permit, thats me breaking a punishment she had from her last escapade. She knows what the terms are for her geting her permit: talking to me. If I allow her to get her permit, I'd be letting her get away with not talking to me. Follow that? Essentially, after her last bad deed (won't go into it here) she fliped out and back talked too much and went over the line. Hubby saw where it was going and told her that IF she wanted to drive, the ONLY way she'd be able to do so was to talk with me and adjust her attitude. Oh, she adjusted her attitude alright... adjusted it to completely and totally ignoring me

Sigh, I'm totally at a loss here. Its making me so sad and I feel lost. I don't understand WHY she does what she does. Perhas if I understood why, I'd be ok. If she would talk to us and be open about her feelings... then I'd know where to go. She has completely closed down. The only time she talks to us is when she needs something, and for that she goes to "daddy" Not "Dad" but "daddy" because she knows how well it works on hubby. And she says it in a sweet little girl tone. Gosh is he a sucker! LOL

Sorry this is so long. I really am upset and don't know what to do. I've just been so busy with work, and this is been in the background for weeks... I just don't feel the same enjoyment in anything anymore. I am just so tired and defeated feeling.

[carole]

Aww kim I can't really offer much advice as I have never been a step mother, but I sure can understand your pain, you sound a really great person, and you try so hard, sometimes no matter what you do , it just never is enough , so it seems.

As for hubby he needs to get more back-bone and support you more, you should at least talk about it together when she is not around and decide on which direction you both will take with her, whether it is tough love or whatever, hubby needs to realise it is not about choosing between either of you, and that it is ok to discipline his daughter, she will not love him any less, just hate him a bit as all teenagers do, I do understand this problem as my own husband is like that, he is too easy on our daughter,and saying NO is almost too hard for him when it comes to her, it does create problems for the child and between the parents, even though I am the Bad Cop, Melissa loves me just the same.

Funny thing is my Hubby was very hard on my son,too much so, it was all new to him and he was trying his best, and I did not stand up enough and did not want to upset the apple cart, I guess I was afraid my marriage would not make it through if I did, I don't think any of it really harmed my son, he was never abusive to him or anything, but his expectations were too high, as far as behaviour went, and with my daughter it is exactly the opposite, I think it is because of the gender difference, I am glad he has never raised a hand to her or anything, but I would like my husband to be more of a disiplinary sometimes, sorry don't mean to make this thread about me,but just thought you might beable to relate to some of this stuff too.

Most of all you need hubby's support here on how to handle your step daughter.

[carole]

Ya know Kim some daughter's just know how to wrap their Daddy's around their little finger, never worked for me with my Dad.

[catnapper]

Carole, don not worry about your reply! It was not about you per se, but how you relate the the cirumstances. I appreciate that.

Sometimes I feel hubby can not say no because of guilt he still feels for all those years he was away overseas in the Navy before the divorce, and then being away working 60 hours a week to make ends meet as a single dad. He denies feeling guilty of course, but I still think guilt is there.

And YES, he always plays "good cop" and I get to be "bad cop". I never wanted to be bad cop, but thats the role I am forced to play when I see her getting away with everything. Even my youngest (15) says "dad, you gotta put your foot down!" Pretty bad when the younger sister plainly tells dad he's too soft!

[caseysmom]

Sounds like you've got her number and she knows it. She doesn't like it that she can't fool you or baby talk you, you have a backbone and she doesn't like it.

Hold your ground, tell her your her mother whether its in blood or not and she will not get the privelige of driving until she treats you with respect...thats what I would do anyway.

[Maya & Inka's mommy]

Originally posted by caseysmom
Sounds like you've got her number and she knows it. She doesn't like it that she can't fool you or baby talk you, you have a backbone and she doesn't like it.

Hold your ground, tell her your her mother whether its in blood or not and she will not get the privelige of driving until she treats you with respect...thats what I would do anyway.

I agree 100% here!! I admire you for not giving in! You are in the right!! I would try to "force" your hubby into a serious conversation about this. He must realise by now how serious this is getting. First he has to show your daughter he supports you in every way. Then he should try to have a long talk to her, ALONE (under 4 eyes).
I truly hope this will get better for you. We've had many issues with our son, and it was also killing my heart...

(((((HUGS)))))

[Barbara]

Kim, I am so sorry for you. What a terrible terrible situation you are in.

First thing: I would not teach her driving. It really is the wrong message. "If you get into trouble it isn't your mistake and responsability, you even will get benefits from it."

Next thing: She is your hubby's daughter in the first range. I admire that you can see her fully as your daughter too- I never managed that with my stepdaughter. Apart from that it is unfair to both of you if your husband just stands there not wanting to get into it and goes away for months.

The ones who would need a break from each other are you and your daughter.

It is important to work that out with your husband first. Your daughter now gets a benefit from the fact that your husband and you don't talk with one voice- that is really bad.

If the situation is really stuck you may need professional help to solve it.

All the best for you. Keeping my fingers crossed.

[jenluckenbach]

What I would really do and what I think YOU should do are 2 different things.

You MUST confront Grant! If the 2 of you as a married couple cannot be on the same side, then something is definitely wrong. You may not be able to force him to agree with your side 100% but there certainly must be a happy medium that you can both agree upon. Then stick by it, no ifs ands or buts.

Grant is the one with the problem and you are the one getting hurt. It makes my blood boil.

To be honest, I am not much help . I would not be able to deal with your situation. Sorry.

[catnapper]

United front... HA! It won't happen unless I shut up and ignore everyting and just let her make her own mistakes. I suppose I should, but I can't help but stop her from making harmful choices!
Unfortunately this is not seen as me caring, but seen as me being a mean and hurtful person who is just on the lookout for her to mess up. Truly this is not the case!

I DID talk to hubby last night. His opinion? She and I need ot work it out and both stop being so stubborn (his favorite phrase when it gets this bad) and we both need to "grow up" -- no... HE needs to step in and tell his DAUGHTER what's going to happen. I was floored when he said that. He just can't say no to her and he can't punish her. I think he's physically unable to. She's always been his little girl and he can't seem to do anything to make her hate him even the littleest bit.

Counseling is completely out. He won't even hear of it. I've TRIED for 4 years with her. We were close last year, if she did one more stupid thing at the time, we would have gone. He was so fed up with her, then she straightened out for a few months. So then he forgot.

[jenluckenbach]

Originally posted by catnapper
United front... HA! It won't happen unless I shut up and ignore everyting and just let her make her own mistakes.

Well, then maybe you SHOULD just shut up and let her get into some serious trouble! Sorry, but she is not a little girl. If she were a young child I would never say that, but she is certainly old enough to be able to face the consequences of her stupidity. It isn't like you didn't try.

[Corinna]

You all may not care for my solution but how about sending her back to her Mom . (if possible) My girl freind had the same problem. The girl got sick (not physically) of her irrepossable mom and the father missed her so much that they saw my freind was right. She unfortanatly had to threaten to leave him if he didn't send her a way. The girl did realize that my freind loved her and told her she was sorry. Also did to the sibling too.
It's not fair for you to have to be the "bad cop" it is also not good if the other kids are seeing how they could get away with this stuff too. I wouldn't let her get her permit(how much farther will she roam to get in to trouble?) Keeping that right of passage is a reward not a right. If she's treating you all so bad ask your self why would you want to reward that bad behavior.
Sorry I sound harsh but after seeing freinds and relitives go though this stuff I have held to many crying freinds .
Hubby having a step dad says if they had pulled any of the stuff you have told us about he'd have been dead meat and NEVER gotten a license living in the family home.
Just my veiw point take it for what is worth.

[Pawsitive Thinking]

Looks like hubby dearest is getting away scot-free scuttling off to avoid sorting out HIS child! Time he put his foot down and backed you 100% - after all he is leaving her in your care!

[Barbara]

I am afraid I see it similarly to Corinna. If it continues like that I see your marriage threatened.

I can understand that he loves his daughter and would not want to destroy his good relationship to her- but how about his relationship to you?

It is not possible in a triangle like that just to say "The two of you work it out". He is part of the problem- so he needs to be part of the solution too. Men

If counseling is out of discussion then a separation may be the best solution for everybody.

[Pawsitive Thinking]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by catnapper
[B]United front... HA! It won't happen unless I shut up and ignore everyting and just let her make her own mistakes. I suppose I should, but I can't help but stop her from making harmful choices!

I did this with my step-daughter - she made some horrendous mistakes (I refused to collect her from the police station on one occasion and insisted they rang her Dad) but she now comes to me first with any problems she may have........for your own sanity, back away and make her face the consquences of her own actions. Having said that I now have 2 step-grandchildren so I guess she has learned the very hard way

[finn's mom]

Could she go to a camp or something? Not a boot camp, although that might be in order. Just a camp that would give you two some time apart, while your husband is away. And, maybe just counseling for you and your step daughter. I mean, it would be better if it was the three of you, but, if your husband won't agree to it, then, maybe just you and her. It might help some. Just to have a referee, of sorts. It may help you find out why she's acting the way she is. And, just a question, does she throw that cliche out...but, you're not my mother...? Just curious. I hate that your husband is not helping you at all, that sucks. But, I wouldn't teach her to drive, that's for sure.