Fighting Depression

[RobiLee]

Maybe I shouldn't talk about this here. I am usually a private person and don't normally talk about this subject. Trust me I am not looking for any sympathy or any answers really. I just felt like talking. I have been fighting severe depression for some time now. Actually I've been dealing with it off and on ever since I gave birth to my son. I was not aware of it at the time but now that I look back it is quite clear that that is when it started. I am at a very extreme low right now and don't feel much like doing anything at all. I don't want to leave the house or even bother to get dressed. Its awful and very debilitating. I have been off and on of antidepressants and I hate them. I just want to be normal. I know alot of it has to do with my weight right now and I just don't want to be seen. I just want to stay home and sleep and boy can i sleep. My house is a mess and I just can't seem to get it together. I am trying a new doctor right now who is in fact a homeopathic doctor. She has reveiwed my case and is going to give me some medicine that she thinks will help me out alot. I find that hard to believe. I walk around in a complete fog and sometimes wonder how I made it through the day. My own son thinks I am a loser and that is very hard to deal with. He just told me this a few hours ago. I don't even know what to say. It is true but it also hurt so much that he is so disrespectful that he feels like it is alright to talk to me this way. I suck at my job and sometimes I wonder why they even keep me there. I'm pretty sure right now that I am still there becuase there is no one to take my place. I was seriously thinking of quitting my job and had decided to do it but it turns out that my husband job is not all that secure so I have decided I better stick it out till we see what is going to happen to Alden's job. We had even ordered new windows for the house which I was so excited about. It was our first home improvement and we were looking forward to doing more stuff as time went along. New siding and a new nice porch. The next day after we ordered the windows we found out Alden's job was very insecure so we called and cancelled the windows. Thank god the company was understanding and is sending us back our down payment. I don't know why I'm telling all of this. I just feel like talking I guess. I am in a black hole and just can't see a way out. I don't expect and sympathy and I don't expect any answers. I just need to talk. Hopefully I will find my way back out into the sunlight.

Thanks for listening....Robin
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[dukedogsmom]

I can't believe after all you've been through, your son was callous and called you a loser. You are anything but one! I know what you mean about the house cleaning. Mine isn't so hot, either. And, it's hard to get any done because when you think about how much you have to do, it's overwhelming. I'm a bad procrastinator, too. Kay was coming over today so I was forced to get some cleaning done. My computer room looks better but the bedroom is a nightmare. I also know what you mean about your job. The stress on mine has been getting to me. That's one of the reasons I went to nights. The atmosphere is so much nicer. However, it's way more busy so I still get tense. Have you tried any kind of counseling? I had it for a while and have been thinking about going back. That and medication makes a big difference. I hope you get to feeling better. You just need to take a big step and tell yourself you're going to have a better outlook. It's hard and I don't do it all the time, either. You've got a great husband and two gorgeous dogs. Don't let all that escape you. Cherish all the time you get with them. I know it really comes to me when I'm at the dog beach. If you have a special place you like to go, go there. I also enjoy a good latte or something at my local coffee shop. I sure wish we lived closer to each other. I had a blast with you and Anna. Maybe another visit to that store is in order??

[dukedogsmom]

Here's Duke and Simba getting crazy(at about 1030pm) Duke wanted to play like crazy. It was really cute. Some of my pics came out a little blurry but Kay got some good ones, too.

[RobiLee]

Val, you are so funny! I don't think you will ever forget "that store"....lol. That was a fun time.

I have been to all kinds of counseling and honestly its all the same and all stuff that I know but just can't seem to apply to myself. I don't know what has triggered the depression this time. I have finally realized that I have alot of built up anger from dealing with the cancer and the after effects from that. I mean I felt for so long while all that was going on that I had to be strong for my family so that they wouldn't fall apart. There was no time to focus on me. I did what I was told and did my best to reassure the family that I was fine. Now, after all this time I am finally angry!! Makes no sense to me. I hate what happened to me!! I feel like I have done nothing but go downhill ever since. For the rest of the family it is over for them, but for some reason I feel like I can't get back on track. I am a basket case and feel like I am going to have a nervous breakdown. I don't know why. I can't answer any questions. All I know is that I am a mess!

[RobiLee]

Originally posted by dukedogsmom
Here's Duke and Simba getting crazy(at about 1030pm) Duke wanted to play like crazy. It was really cute. Some of my pics came out a little blurry but Kay got some good ones, too.

Duke and Simba are so cute together. Sometimes I think they must have been brothers in another life

[Oggyflute]

Robin, I haven't got any answers for you, nor would I just offer sympathy, but just remember that the community here will give you help and support from all over the world.

[joycenalex]

robin, can i offer a cyber hug? and please know that we're here for you to 'talk' to at almost anytime? BTW, no way you're a loser. and a job is just a job, it's not your life, it's a way to get some money to have a life. ((ROBIN))

[Pam]

Robin I just wanted to say that I commend you for going for help. There are so many people who are depressed and do nothing about it. I read somewhere that men, in particular, will not seek help. I do believe that us women are more in tune with our bodies and how they work and are much quicker to fix a problem rather than live with it. My sister-in-law has suffered from depression for years. She has been on and off medications and I know how discouraging it can be to have something that is supposed to help you instead create side effects.

I am so sorry to read that your son is not more sympathetic especially in light of all that you have gone through in the past with the cancer. I do believe that those we love the most can hurt us the deepest. After all they feel completely free to talk to us more openly than they would to an outsider. I am sure he regrets his harsh words and probably wants to take them back.

Life is so hard, isn't it? Sometimes we are balancing so many things - homes, jobs, families - and it gets overwhelming. I hate to read that you are suffering like this. You are truly one of the sweetest Pet Talkers that I have ever "met." I don't really have any suggestions but I can pray and I will. (((((hugs)))))

[Logan]

Admitting that there is a problem is a huge first step, Robin. And I think we all know that you are not alone in this battle. Every time I read a post like yours I hurt for the one who has stepped up and admitted that there is a problem. I saw another one just this morning.

Robin, my initial thought when I read what you said about your job is that you absolutely do NOT need to quit your job. That is one thing that forces you out the door every single day. I'm no expert, but I know that you need that contact with the outside world. It forces you to get up, get dressed and leave the house.

Don't try to "fix" everything at one time. Focus on you right now and seeing this new doctor is a brilliant first step. You have been through so much in the past few years and I can remember how much I admired your strength as you went through those treatments and openly talked about being afraid, being sick, etc. I also remember the joy you expressed, constantly, when you would talk about your sweet Katie and later your excitement over Tori when Alden surprised you with her. I know you don't feel depressed when you spend time with those beautiful girls!!!! I know mine have the ability to "heal" me, too.

You have a wonderful support system in Anna and your many friends right here. Take it one step at a time and don't try to fix everything at once. That's what I finally had to tell myself. I cannot do everything for everyone, keep this house clean, keep the yard neat, take care of the pets, do my job, stay healthy, etc. I just can't! And you can't either. It's so easy to dish out advice, isn't it? Ha Ha! My mother tells me what I "ought" to do all the time. Easy for her to say when she is retired and on the outside, looking in.

Please know that we are all concerned and are right here for you. Do you have a minister you could talk with? I have found that relying on my faith has helped me through some pretty dark times. Sometimes that objective listener is exactly what you need.

You will be in my prayers.
Logan

[K9soul]

Robin, I'm going to write you a PM (and it'll probably be long) talking about my dealings with depression and the things that helped. It'll probably have to wait till tonight when I'm done with work when I can really think and type for awhile without interruption. I just wanted to say right now though that you are suffering a condition as real as diabetes and it's going to take small and gradual steps to help your way through it. I find one of the worst things to do while suffering depression is constantly look at the big picture and yearn for immediate changes within yourself, and that in itself is overwhelming and gets you back down to where you feel unable to even take small steps. It's going to take small steps, little by little, an hour at a time, a day at a time, etc. and with each little accomplishment, you will find some relief. It definitely won't go away overnight, but I do think there is a definite turning point that you will recognize.

I don't know how your son is about listening or understanding, but perhaps when he makes negative statements you could simply state to him that hurtful statements only make things worse for you, and that they set you back on improving. If you can try your best to say it in a calm, unemotional way, he might respond better. I find people who are hurtful in the face of depression often feel intimidated by the emotionalism of it and the inability to fix it. Often loved ones say hurtful things like that to "snap you out of it."

Ok, I don't want to go on too much, like I said I will write you more later. Hang in there Robin, we love you!

[anna_66]

Ok, I'm sitting here crying You needed me at 2:41 this morning and I'm in bed...you should have called me!

Robin I know you have been struggling with this for a long time and just when it seems like your feeling a better, something turns it around and you start feeling like this again. I know there is physically nothing I can do, but as your best friend you know I'm always here for you (or if need be, there for you!).

I know when Brandon talks like that to you it makes you feel really lousy. You do so much for him (things you don't have to like let him take your car) and it makes me so mad to hear that he treats you like that.

I hope this new doctor of yours can do something/give you something to help you out of this dark time.

Now on a lighter note...boy are you going to be tired when you get home from work I'll talk to you tonight.

Love your best friend
Anna

[Christiansmommy]

Robin, you have got to be the sweetest Pettalk ever...seriously...I feel I know you through your posts, and I hope to meet you one day. It may sound funny, but even though we have never met, i think that if we did, we would be great friends. You are really a genuinely sweet sweet lady.

I am sorry to hear about your depression. I am so happy that you have come here to share it with us, though. The fact that you aren't keeping it all to yourself is a great way to help the healing process start. I know your son feels badly about what he said...I know I have said things to my parents that I wish I could take back...and I know you love your son just the same. You are a great mother and wife. Your family is very lucky to have you, and even more so, since you conquered the cancer. Praise God for that. Anyway, i will be making you a permanent addition to my prayer list. I know people who have depression problems and it is so sad to see such great people suffer the way they do...it is even more sad when they don't seek help that us outside the situation see they need so badly...so I am glad to know you have seeked help. Not sure what your faith or religion is, but in my deepest times of sadness, I find crying out, literally, to God, cry as you may...His shoulder is always there and He hears us...really, it hurts Him to see us so sad, we are His children. I am not saying this to preach to you, but you may want to try it, His loving arms are so very healing. ((((HUGS))))) to you sweet Robin. I am here whenever you need to talk...or "let it all out"...

Robyn

[moosmom]

RobiLee,

NO it is NOT true!!! I am appalled that your own son would speak to you that way!

Depression is a debilitating disease. People who don't have it, don't understand it. They think that it's easy to just "pick yourself up by your bootstraps". I WISH it was that easy!! I've suffered from it since I was 15 years old.

Honey, I've PM'd you with my phone numbers. Please call me. Or give me your number and I'll call you from my cellphone, it's free.

Please think about talking to your doctor about medicine. It may take a while, and experimenting with medicine, but in the long run, it'll help.

You are a wonderful person, RobiLee and we love you. Don't EVER let anyone tell you different.

((((((HUGS))))))))))))

[Jadapit]

Robin,
I'm really sorry you arent feeling like yourself. I know thats no fun.
It's a scary thing to go through. I'm sorry your son hurt you with his words. Kids can say some real cruel things sometimes. They dont think before they speak at times. I'm sure he didnt mean what he said.

You are such a sweet lady. Your posts always brighten my day. You have lots of friends here. We all care about you. I really hope the homeopathic person can help you. You will be in my thoughts.
((((((((HUGS))))))))

[PJ's Mom]

It's sad to know that a person as sweet and as caring as you is having to deal with this. You've always got a kind word for all of us here at PT and I'm sure in real life, you're just as great.

Your son had no right to talk to you the way he did. It's hard for a person who doesn't have this disease to understand it, and he may very well be scared for you. Either way, try not to let him bother you. You need to focus on yourself right now, not him.

You always have my good thoughts and prayers. I know we don't know each other very well, but I also know you will get through this and that soon, you'll see the sunshine again.

(((Hugs)))

Dawn, Peej and Bailey.