I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your stinking chain letters over the past years. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.
Because of your concern........
I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains and it eats the paint off of cars.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under G~d" on their cans.
I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could get pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer use cancer causing deodorants even though I smell like a wet dog on a hot day.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since
they are actually Al Qaida in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are
French and don't support our American troops.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from h*** with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I no longer eat prepackaged foods because the estrogens they contain will turn me gay.
I no longer eat @ KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer date the opposite sex because they will
take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change
once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214
angels looking out for me.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time!!!).
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change
once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer allow my kids to play in the jumping balls at Chucky Cheese or McDonald's because they may catch a hypodermic needle in the butt and die of a heroin overdose.
I no longer use my cell phone because I could spontaneously combust at a gas station while refueling my car.
Yes, I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for looking out for me! I will now return the favor.
If you DON'T send this e-mail to at least 5000 pe ople in the next 60 seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will poop on your head at 5:00PM tomorrow afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend of a . . . . . .etc...
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