A little "Cat" humor-Etiquette for Inexperienced Cats

[Logan]

ETIQUETTE FOR INEXPERIENCED CATS

1. If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. Shag is good.

2. Determine quickly which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the evening. He won't dare push you off and will even call you "nice kitty." If you can arrange to have cat food on your breath, so much the better.

3. For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select colors that contrast your own.

4. Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

5. For guests that say "I love kitties," be ready with aloof disdain, claws applied to stockings, or a quick nip on the ankles.

6. Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs and hammer doorknob with forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary to use it. You can change your mind. When you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half in and half out and think about several things. This is important during very cold weather or mosquito season.

7. If one person is busy and the other is idle, sit with the busy one. For book readers, get in close under the chin, unless you can lie across the book itself.

8. For ladies knitting, curl quietly into lap and pretend to doze. Then reach out and slap knitting needles sharply. This is what she calls a dropped stitch. She will try to distract you. Ignore it.

9. For people doing homework, sit on the paper being worked on. After being removed the second time, push anything movable off the table (pens, pencils, stamps) one at a time.

10. Get enough sleep during the day.

[AngieS]

Logan LOL,thanks for sharing that. Where did you find it?

[zippy-kat]

LOL LOL LOL

You forgot one though:

"Attack the preacher when he comes over for dinner."

I won't name names (but she goes by Tinker)did this when she was a kitten! She'd also attack people who would talk with their hands! lol

[Former User]

"For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select colors that contrast your own"
Meow, me Casper, I do that to my female human. She's got white pants, and I'll go and sit on her lap. Nicely done from me, since I'm all black

"If one person is busy and the other is idle, sit with the busy one. For book readers, get in close under the chin, unless you can lie across the book itself."
Me, Kitty, I'm into this stuff. Whenever I see my humans reading something, I have to read it too, and of course, leave my tooth mark there. Same goes if my human writes letters, I'm there to leave my bite marks into all out going mail

[Logan]

Glad you liked it! I laughed my head off when I read it! Angie, I found it on another cat site, Crazy about Cats, an MSN community.
http://communities.msn.com/Crazyabou...naventryid=376

[ September 06, 2001: Message edited by: Logan ]

[Logan]

Here are some of the funny responses from Crazy About Cats:

If a dog is around, humble it. Do something bad (knock over a lamp, for instance), then make sure the dog gets blamed.

If you people are having a dinner party, make sure you walk in each one of the plates on the table before they sit down.

Once the dinner party is over, don't forget to lick the butter!

When the man at the hardware store says "no cat can claw through this screen door" make sure you prove him wrong.

[lizbud]

Logan, can't believe I didn't see this item
before now! This is SO Funny!!!LOVE IT,LOVE IT. Printed it out to post in my kitchen at home..Thanks for the Laughs today !!You've
made my day!!

[4 feline house]

Half-finished jigsaw puzzles on a table are there expressly for napping on. Make sure to ski across the table top as you jump up, allowing for the best scattering of pieces around the room. Once that's done, feel free to stretch out to your fullest length, ensuring that any pieces still assembled will slide to the floor. It is also considered extremely good kitty manners to chew on the odd piece still left on the table.

[yorkster]

That is so funny! Thanks for that Logan. Cats are great aren't they?!

[yorkster]

here is another someone sent me:

WALKING:
whenever possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of human. especially effective places to strike are:
1.on the stairs when they have something in their arms.
2.in the dark.
3.in the morning. this exorcise will help with improving their coordination.

[TheAntiPam]

More hints from Murf and Winston:

1> Make sure your human chooses to live in a house that has carpet which matches your fur colors. In the middle of the night position yourself between your human and the bathroom. If you leave your tail sticking out, they might step on you AND thump into you. This will bring extra treats and pets for the next 24 hours.

2> If you can't match the carpet, try to match the computer chair. Sit in the chair and don't move. Meow loudly when they sit on you.

3> If your human wiggles their fingers at you to indicate they want to pet you, stay at least 1 inch away from their longest reach. They will become contortionists just to stroke your warm fur.

and most important -

4> Randomly stop eating treats from your human. Be sure to stop the day they bring home many packages of the treats.

[thelmalu99]

LOL, Yorkster!!
Another good time to do that is when the human is in a hurry to get somewhere, eg:the bathroom or the telephone.

Originally posted by yorkster:
here is another someone sent me:

WALKING:
whenever possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of human. especially effective places to strike are:
1.on the stairs when they have something in their arms.
2.in the dark.
3.in the morning. this exorcise will help with improving their coordination.