Need a honest opinion, if you don't mind.

[Fox-Gal]

Sometime you have to be honest and realize that you are to close to a problem and maybe a outside advice would be best. So if you could take the time to read this and give me your HONEST opinion I appreciate it.

Life hasn't been that great lately and so I'm smart enough to realize that I not working with a clear head on things right now. I have a family problem to deal with and honestly right now I'm just not up to it.

Heres the thing, My one brother and I have not gotton along sense my mother died, 20 some years ago. In the beginning I was told it was because I reminded him of our mother and it hurt him to be around me. Well 20 some years have gone by and he still treats me like a stranger. We don't see each other that much sence we live so far away, but on the rare times we do it's very odd. There only two things my brother knows about me, I have lots of pets and I'm good with children. So our conversation are "hows the pets ?" and then he hands me one of his kids. Thats it....nothing more.

Well this year he wants our Father to fly up and spend X-Mas with him. Our Father has told him that he spends X-Mas with me, always has and always will. So now my brother wants me to come up, this way Father will come too.

Problem.....I don't want to go, Every time I have been around my brother lately he hurts me and I end up a emotional wreck.

I talked to my Brother the other day and explained to him how I felt and that right now I was not up to it and felt after the last visit in Feb. that I couldn't go through that again. His answer was "well it's true I'm not close to you and I'm not sure I ever will be. We are 2 different people with nothing in common and have gone different ways." "I will not rehash over things with you and if you want to cut all ties, so be it" What a slap in the face to me. I never said cut ties with him. I just wanted him to at the least talk to as he would any other person. You know "HowLife?" Whats going on with you?" etc, those kind of things. Try to make me feel welcome at least.

Now my other Brother and Father are caught in this mess. The one Brother mad as H#$L and wants to put a stop to this somhow forcing my brother to love me. My Father says he going to step in and do something....he just doesn't know what. My Husband says cut ties with him, he's not worth it. I didn't want this all I wanted was for my Brother and I to be able to be in the same room toghter without feels odd and me not ending up crying like some idiot. See, I still love him in spite of it all. He's my brother and family should love and care for one other even if they have grown to be two different people.

Right now I honestly want to say, cut ties with him, for now, If he feels that having something in common with him is the only way we can be brother and sister....then he not worth it to me. I'm his sister, family and that should be all that matters in the long run. But then theres the rest of the family who gets effected by this...I know they would all like to have the whole family toghter for a X-Mas.

So honestly if you where in my shoes, would you bite the bullet and deal with the hurt and go....knowing that it's going to be a ruff X-Mas. Or would you says the H#$l with it and stay here and have your normal X-Mas with your Father and husband and just write your brother off for now. Hoping that one day he will realize that Family is important, even if you don't have anything in common any more?

So honesy am I being selfish by not wanted to go and be around him? Or as my Father says stand my ground, honey.

[micki76]

Of course I only know your side, but your brother sounds like an ass. I wouldn’t sacrifice my happiness or emotional well being for his Xmas for anything in the world. It sounds like he resents you for something or has some other unresolved issue that he’s not being upfront about. It’s ultimately your decision alone to make, but I agree with your Dad and not your husband. I don’t think I’d agree to the “cut ties” thing, but I would stand up for myself and my feelings. I personally would confront him and try to find out what the problem really is, but you may not be ready for that or even want to know. It doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship and it won’t be until he deals with whatever’s going on with him.

Were you ever close? What about before your Mother passed away?

I hope everything works out and you do what’s best for you.

[Fox-Gal]

Originally posted by micki76
Of course I only know your side, but your brother sounds like an ass. I wouldn’t sacrifice my happiness or emotional well being for his Xmas for anything in the world. It sounds like he resents you for something or has some other unresolved issue that he’s not being upfront about. It’s ultimately your decision alone to make, but I agree with your Dad and not your husband. I don’t think I’d agree to the “cut ties” thing, but I would stand up for myself and my feelings. I personally would confront him and try to find out what the problem really is, but you may not be ready for that or even want to know. It doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship and it won’t be until he deals with whatever’s going on with him.

Were you ever close? What about before your Mother passed away?

I hope everything works out and you do what’s best for you.

Yeah he can be an ass, the family has said that for years now.

We were close before our mother passed....very close. After my mother died he went into a shell of sorts and nobody could reach him. Even to this day you still can't talk about mother to him.

Over the years he has turned into a very hard hearted person, not only to me but to others. Our Father thinks it's the job that done this to him. He's president of a major corporation and that has changed him alot also. The boy who use to do Steve Martain imitations now never smiles or laughs, he lives on the cell phone or lap top, making mergers & acquisitions that none of use understand. My Brother is a very gifted man, but lacks the gift for emotions. So he won't talk to me about our problem, he made that clear to me. He gave me the corporate speech voice and informed me not to interrupted him. And then that was the end of the phone call.

I do so much what to know what happened with us, I can't even start to change things till I know what it is that needs to be changed. So I am more then ready for what he has to say....if he only will say it.

I know I should do what's best for me, I just hate that it effects others too.

Thanks for replying. When feeling and anger get involved it's hard for me to see clearly sometimes and it's good to hear others thoughts on things. PT seem like a good place to ask sense no one here has any connection to me and no personal feeling can effect the answers.

[cubby31682]

My brother and I have always had a very close realationship. After are father died we got even closer. Now my brother and I hardly talk unless he has a computer problem that he needs help with. When I call him he is to busy hanging out with his friends for his 'little sister' to call him. He loves to party. He is 23 I am 21 I do not party at all. I can't stand it, it drives me nuts. My brother has hurt me several times with things he has said to me. I have always blown him off. That's just the kind of person I am. I can't face my problems head on I have to go around them and suffer with myself for not standing up for my self or not at least asking why some one said this or that.

If I was you I'm not sure what I would do. I would probably try to call him back and tell him not to interupt you and you can tell him how you feel what you think about him, what he needs to change and so on.

I have another brother as well, that I will never talk to as long as I live (thank god he is only a step brother) Same with my step sister. The two of them could fall off the face of the earth and I wouldn't care. I know that's harsh but they have said and done things to me that can never be forgivin.

Try and call him back and explain everything to him. That all you want is the brother you once had. I know people change but, they shouldn't ignore their brother/sister because you have nothing in common. My brother and I have almost nothing in common besides we have the same parents, and we both love animals. So when we get together ( I know this is going to sound very childish.) we wrestle just like we use to. We get are anger and frustration out that way. It works for us but I'm not sure if thats the way to go for you

Hope all that helped.

Katie

[carole]

I don't think anyone of us can answer this question for you, as we are not you, however just going by personal experience on my husbands side, he has dis-owned his whole family, when his mother died, some terrible things went on, and without going into detail, his brothers and sisters, and there are 7 of them hurt him so bad.

He made this decision by himself, and he is happy with it, so only you can make it.

Sorry this is not much help, but everyone is different, me I would have to try and work it out, but that may not be what is best for your well-being.

I wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide.

[PayItForward]

It is strange that he cuts you off after you USED to get on well.

Sounds like he has lost his way emotionally and needs to talk to a professional, someone he can unload to.

Maybe he's pushing you away because you know the real man, the one who was funny and cared for others. Seeing you, will remind him of how much he has changed and it doesn't sound like he wants to be reminded.

It also sounds like he has tied his self worth to money/career instead of family/friends. He needs to slow down before he kills himself with stress and learn to live life properly.

Saying all that, how dare he be so thoughless and hurtful to you, his once beloved sister.

IMO I would ring him up explain that he has changed and not for the better, tell him how much he hurt you and how much you miss the caring brother you used to have. But that you still love him and when he wants to grow up, you'll be here for him.

I would have your normal christmas with Hubby & Father and try not to worry about the brother, sounds like he has issues. Try and enjoy yourself with your loving husband and father.

{{{Hugs}}} to you.

[Pam]

Gosh Pay It Forward just wrote every thought that was in my mind! I too think that your brother may be suffering some emotional problems, maybe even clinical depression, and might need the help of a therapist to get through it but I doubt that, being the type of person he seems to be, would ever seek help. For now I would do exactly as PIF has so beautifully said....enjoy Christmas with your father and see what the future brings. Christmas and holidays in general are often very stressful. We are thrown into a room around a big table with lots of people who are "family" but who in many case we no longer have anything in common with.

Recently I became sort of reunited with my brother's wife after a 20 year separation. I won't give you the long boring story but she flew off the handle with me on the phone because I couldn't attend my nephew's graduation. Believe me it was ugly! Since after that I didn't feel very warm and fuzzy about her I fell out of touch, although saw my brother throughout this whole time. She has had many arguments with neighbors and friends over the years and my brother is well aware of her temper and never faulted me. Well, she was diagnosed about two years ago with incurable, inoperable cancer and began mending fences with people with whom she had long term disagreements and I was one of them. Unfortunately it took cancer to create the reunion that we had. Nevertheless, one can't cry over spilled milk. What's done is done and we move on and maybe learn from it in the process.

That said, I think at some point your brother may look back and feel badly about the way he has spoken to you and the way he has damaged your relationship. It may even take an illness (I hope not) to bring him to his senses. In the meantime I would try to maintain some type of communication, if only an occasional e-mail and remain as friendly and kind as is possible. This will at least "leave the door open" should he have a change of heart. (((hugs)))

[Rachel]

I suppose I can throw my 2 cents in this one too. It is hard to discribe the difficulty between my sister and me without going into a lot of detail. In a nut shell I think she wanted to be an only child, and tried her best to put me in a bad light every chance she could with our mother. It worked to some degree, but not competely and when our mother died, although my sister inherited a substantial amount more than I did, she wasn't happy and tried her best gain control over the assets which were left to me. I had to go to court to protect my interests, and the effects of a long drawn out legal battle were emotionally and financially draining. In the end, she was not able to accomplish her intent.

Despite all this, had she ever said the two words *I'm sorry* I would have forgiven her immediately. I never heard those words but I ended up forgiving her anyway. Even in the thick of the battle, I always told her I loved her and wanted us to be sisters who cared for one another. When she did not respond, I would repeat what I said and then she would say...*I heard you*.

Don't get me wrong, I still don't trust her, but I do love her. She now has terminal cancer and I am so upset by that and so sad for her. We speak, but don't mention the past. The contacts are from me to her, not the other way around.

My take on your situation would be for you to encourage your Dad to spend Christmas with your brother. Really try to convince him that your brother needs him there and it is okay with you. It is a small act of love that is going to cost you nothing. You and your husband stay home and spend Christmas together.

[sasvermont]

My two cents: You can pick your friends but not your relatives.

I have a theory that you owe it to yourself and your loved ones to be the happiest you can be. Therefore, you do not need to force yourself to be around people you do not feel good around and who upset you.

I have a sister who is troubled beyond the normal. We talk once a year, at best, and we lead our lives that way. We love each other and in fact she is my beneficiary on some of my assets, but we do not lead the same kind of life and have little in common. She does not add to my life...in fact, after talking with her, and discussing her problems, over and over again, I feel exhausted, depressed, upset, frustrated, doomed, you name it. I cannot help her - she has to want to do it. I can only help myself and those who want help.

All that said, dear soul, enjoy your life and exclude those who make you so unhappy. Surround yourself with those who make you happy.

Life can be short.....play hard...and love softly!

[stacwase]

My family has a lot of problems - I've raised 4 stepdaughters after their mother left them. 3 of them have psychological problems, and I've made every mistake in the book. My siblings and parents (and myself?) also have had some problems.

It does sound like your brother has psychological problems - big time. So I hope you will take my 2 cents.

Go through the motions of doing what is right, no matter how you feel. Send him cards on his birthday. Send him invitations to important events. Treat him politely. Go through the motions of doing what a sister would do if she and her brother had a normal relationship. But don't put your heart in it. Don't expect birthday cards and invitations in return. Don't expect love. Just know that you're doing what is right.

Don't try to get him to open up - he's not ready for that. He would feel too much pain if he did that. Let him do the corporate voice thing, and don't act like it bothers you.

Don't put your heart into it. Love is an action, not a feeling.

If, eventually, he resolves whatever problem he is having, then hopefully he will be able to come to you. He won't be able to do that if he feels you have abandoned him. If you act like he acts, then he will have an excuse for his behavior and he'll be able to justify himself by blaming everything on you.

As for the Christmas thing - I'd have your dad to your house for Christmas, like always. Send your brother an invitation, anticipating that he won't come. If he does come (which is unlikely), go through the motions and don't let on that he's hurting you by not responding.

Just my 2 cents.

[moosmom]

Fox-Gal,

I HAVE been in your shoes.

My brother and I have never been close either. He is 5 years older than me. When I was young, he molested me. It goes alot deeper than that, but it's too involved to get into. My brother hadn't talked to my Dad in over 15 years.

Thanks to my brother, I suffer from depression and have been on medication since I was in my early 20's.

Anyway, when my Dad was sick, I was his sole caretaker for 2 1/2 years till he died in 1997. My brother never once called or offered any help, regardless of the number of times I called him and told him that his father was dying.

When my father died, my brother invited me to his home in Mass. for the weekend. To say it was a strained visit was putting it mildly. I felt very uncomfortable the entire weekend, even though his wife saying "Talk to your sister, Dave, talk to her!"

I got no sleep that night. I was very uncomfortable and wanted to go home. By Sunday morning, I told him I needed to hit the road because I had stuff to do before going back to work on Monday. I cried the whole way home and was depressed beyond belief for weeks.

Do what makes YOU feel comfortable. Don't go to your brother's house because you feel guilty. You'll regret it. And if your other brother feels the need to get involved, that is HIS problem, not yours. I never got involved in my brother's issues with my father. I still don't know what happened, and at this point, it doesn't matter anymore cuz my father is dead. The only thing I DO know is that my brother will have to deal with the guilt and the "issues" for the rest of his life. He will also have to deal with the fact that he left so many things left unsaid when my father was found dead in his apartment. Again, that was HIS choice.

Since you and your Dad have spent every X-Mas together, keep the tradition going. My brother asked me to come to his house for Christmas with my daughter shortly after my Dad died and I declined. I have never regretted my decision.

Hang in there girl and cherish your Dad. I did.

[moosmom]

"God created best friends to apologize for BAD relatives."

[KYS]

I also agree with PayItForward.

If you do not want to call your brother at this point,
I would write all your thoughts down in a letter and
mail it to him.
I think this will be good therapy for you too.
Whether you get a responce or not from him,
at least you would have gotten it off your chest and
the ball is now back in his court.

As for Christmas, if your brother does not
respond, I agree with PIF.. just have a normal
Christmas at home with your loving family.

Karen ((0u0))

[AmberLee]

Originally posted by KYS
...If you do not want to call your brother at this point,
I would write all your thoughts down in a letter and
mail it to him. ...

Basically I agree with KYS, but I'd hold the letter prayerfully for at least 24 hours and re-read it again before sending it. It sounds like your brother is blocking his feelings and an emotional appeal from you wouldn't register effectively.

{{{hugs}}}

[Fox-Gal]

You all have been very helpful to me. You have giving me some good things to think about.

The main thing is, I belive I will stay here for X-Mas and Thanksgiving and not have any guilt about it. I was questioning if I was being selfish by not going but your replays have told me maybe this time selfish is OK.

I am going to see about my Father going up there for X-Mas and spend time with his grandchildren but it will be his choice to make.


I'm so sorry that some of you also have Family problems too. Although it does make it some how easier knowing that I'm not the only one that has been hurt by a family member. Life was so much easier when we where young and I can't help missing those days.

moosmom, your story is in a way what has brough me to this point of tring to work things out. My father is getting up there in years and I can see he might not be around for many more years. That's my fear with this whole thing, that after my father is gone, my family will be gone, in a way too. They will be no need for us to ever stay in contact after his death and we will slowly become just memories to each other. I don't want that but I guess I have to except the fact that without my brother wanting a connection there is really nothing I can do, but be there if he changes his mind. What hurt the most is I might not ever be able to be a aunt to his children and one day they will forget that there even was a Aunt Libby. I just hope that his children don't driff apart when they get older too. What would he tell his Children....that it's OK, I did it too. I can't see a Father telling his children it's ok not to care about your brother or sister.

Oh well.....life goes on for me.

Thanks again