serious concerns about my daughter....

[carole]

Well today is my Melissa's 14th Birthday and ironically on this day I am very distressed and worried about her.

To cut a long story short i was looking for her socks under her bed and came across a folder she had hidden under there, i don't know why i felt the need to look at it but i did,inside were some very dark deep thoughts,of which scared me so much, my daughter who comes across as a bright, energetic,happy,outgoing girl with plenty of self esteem seems to be quite the opposite, she seems to be obessed with death and darkness, and she is cutting herself, to ease her pain, she feels depression, and that she is ugly and fat, and cutting herself makes her feel beautiful , the more pain she feels the better she feels, i know she is doing this because she has a piece of paper covered in dry blood.

You can all imagine how terrible i am feeling inside, i cannot believe this is happening and i have simply no idea how to handle it all, she is also having boy problems and some of that is written in there too.

I have never been able to understand this cutting thing, and i really need some help and advice as where to go from here,from anyone who has been through it,from parents to teenagers, i know she will be unhappy that i have read this folder for one, but my concerns for her wellbeing are very high right now, i think maybe she needs counselling as i am no expert.

I am beside myself with worry and i just don't have a clue what to do for the best, i really need some help here,i feel like my whole world has fallen in around me, that i have been oblivious to all of this and not noticed anything, i just want to help her anyway i can.

Please any advice will be much appreciated.

[jenluckenbach]

WOW, that is quite a shock and I am sorry, but it is good to find this out because now help can be given.

I have no advice from the standpoint of parenting (I never had kids) and I never had such a serious problem as cutting either, but I KNOW depression, and only professional councelling/medication/therapy etc. will help. It is an area you cannot control with simple determination.`

You will need to find a way to confront her (and I would think that you know her best and can find a way)....but don't delay. the next episode could be the worst.

Prayers to you and she.

[Karen]

Oh, Carole, what a heartbreaking thing to find. Do not be ashamed of knowing it beforehand, many "cutters" are very adept at hiding it from everyone. It seems to be a sadly common phenomenon these days among teens.

http://self-injury.net/familyandfriends/

[Roxyluvsme13]

Wow. I considered being a cutter, but never did it, because I didn't want to get addicted to self-inflicting pain on myself. Yeah, I don't think I'm very pretty and that I'm fat myself, so I kind of see how she feels. Basically all I can say if offer her support and such. I'm sorry I'm not being much of a help, but I hope she can get her problems worked out.
(((HUGS))) to her and to you.

[krazyaboutkatz]

Carole, I'm so sorry to hear this. At least you now know what's going on with her. She needs professional help. Lots of prayers and positive thoughts are being sent her way. Please take care.

[carole]

Thank you both, yes i feel sick in the stomach just thinking about it all, i really don't know how serious it really is, whether it is just a stage she is going through and it will pass or what, but it is not something i want to ignore, i just thought she knew she could share her worries with me, but i guess not many teenagers do just that.

The thing is Melissa in neither fat or ugly,she does have some normal skin issues right now,which i did not think were bothering her as she never complains, obviously she is feeling all this despite it not being true, it does not matter how many people tell you different , if you feel it yourself.

Yes Jen i know that depression side of things only too well, i guess poor Melissa is genetically prone to it, from my side,you know i just don't know how to approach it all , thats just it, she will be so mad i have invaded her privacy, but at the same time i just cannot ignore my findings, i will discuss it with hubby tonight,and see what our action plan is from there.

I sure have never experienced this before,and i am going to need to deal with this with a lot of sensitivity thats for sure.

Karen i will go and check out that website , thanks for that, i guess educating myself on what i am dealing with is a sensible move on my part.

[jazzcat]

Carole I have no experience with this but I just wanted you to know how sorry and I am and that you and Melissa are in my thoughts and prayers.

[Muddy4paws]

Sorry to hear about this, My little brother started harming himself and he is alot younger, we had a school counsiler talk to him about his problems and it seemed to go very well for him, maybe something like that can help?

Do you normally go in her room? I mean would she automatcally asume you were snooping in her room if you confronted her?

I know when I was at school I was depressed to the point that I planned a way out and it terrifies me now to think about how close I was and to be honest I think all I needed was someone to talk to and someone who wouldn't judge me for anything I did, Luckily someone did help me and eventhough I still get like that now I know I can talk to my boyfriend about anything and even if hes just sitting there for a shoulder to cry on it makes things a whole lot better to get things out instead of keeping it all in letting it build up so maybe talking to someone else like an aunt or someone will help a bit I know you probably wouldn't judge her but I knew I couldn't talk to my parents because I was ashamed and I knew it would break their hearts knowing I was feeling like that.

I remember talking to a complete stranger on the net about everything before and I just felt so much better for someone knowing how I felt and not caring if they judged me or not because I didnt know them and would never meet them so I didnt really care it was just the fact that I could get it out of my system to someone

Im not a parent but Im 18 years old so maybe see this from her point of view?

You DO need to confront her some way alone and let her know that no one else needs to know and that you want to help her in anyway you can

[carole]

Thanks everyone your input is so helpful, i feel gutted knowing that she feels she cannot talk to me,but i understand it as well, i am not always the easiest to talk to and a very easily stressed out individual myself, so i can understand her reluctance to open up to me, i really have to find a way for her to open up to me, i cannot believe my little girl who always seems to be happy to me and full of life, is so despondent and unhappy within herself, it pains me deeply to know she has been suffering alone, i am sure she shares this stuff with her friends,but then again i am not so sure.

I have always been a bit concerned with her kind of obession with horror movies and the like, i do wonder if this has influenced her some.

I just have to be very careful how i talk to her about it, that i know and that scares me, i don't want to make matters worse.

[Catty1]

OMG. Well, you and your husband would have to go to counselling along with her...some maybe there might be some simple ways to get the communication happening better.

And "privacy" is a bit different when it's a 14 year old and her parents...if she was 30, then that's perhaps another thing.

You may want to set up an appt with your family Dr for all three of you, and do sort of an 'intervention'.

Hopefully that site will have some good info on it!

HUGS and PRAYERS

[sirrahved]

I was a cutter. I've posted about it before on PT. Back then, regardless of what I said, I would have loved to been in counseling.

I actually progressed to attempting suicide. Seriously... I'd say put her into counseling. Don't give her a choice, because she'll probably say no, and I hate you, and I can't believe you looked at MY PRIVATE PROPERTY... you'll still probably get all of this by ordering her into counseling (fair warning) but she will be getting HELP.

I'll be praying for you and your family!

[dukedogsmom]

Unfortunately, it's very common amongst teens and I just don't understand why. I'm sorry you had to find out but glad also. You can help her now where before, you had no clue. She probably will hate you but later on, she'll thank you.

[DJFyrewolf36]

Being a former cutter myself, I can understand how much the pressure to be "accepted" by peers really can bring a person down...and as a teenager I know that I didn't want to trust ANYONE with my feelings! What helped me, was my mom appoaching me as a concerned friend, not a freaked out parent. It's hard, but the approach makes all the difference in the world!

[dukedogsmom]

That's a good point. I was going to suggest she do research before approaching her. I know it must be difficult to be a parent and friend.

[GreyhoundGirl]

Oh, I am so sorry. ((( HUGS ))) I agree with counceling. I was just wondering.... Is she overwieght? ( No offence ) I don't really have much experience with this kind of thing. If she isn't overwieght ( as many people who are belive they are ) you could try showing her this: http://www.wral.com/health/4575356/detail.html click calculate your childs BMI.

Good thoughts your way.