Did I say anything wrong?

[catnapper]

I went to lunch with a friend today. She's a great woman and I adore her to pieces. I told her about something some people have been saying about her behind her back -- refering to her husband. There are people whispering and saying just plain mean things. They just don't like him so they are making things up and sort of improvising things they's imagine he would do.

She was appalled. One of these people babysit her daughter for her (I'll just call her Ann). She said she wanted to know so that if Ann does disapprove of her husband so much, she doesn't want Ann babysitting her child. As for the other people (we'll call them the Noseys), she has no clue who they even are... and the Noseys are the people who were especially vicious in their appraisal of her and her husband. I really thought she knew the Noseys since they felt so strongly of her, and spoke with what sounded like intimate knowledge of things!

I told my hubby about the conversation and he got so mad at me. He told me I should have kept my mouth shut. Should I have? Now I feel lousy because I'm sure she feels lousy that people are making up awful things about her family. Truly, if people were whispering about ME behind my back, I'd surely want to know so that I can find a way to confront them and in a painfully polite way set them straight. Almost kill them with kindness so to speak, just so they got to understand me a little more.... and if afterwards they still hate me, at least then they'll have reason to do so instead of making stuff up!

I'm not normally a "gossip". I usually let people find out things like this on their own, but the stuff was so vicious that I felt she had a right to know about it.

[caseysmom]

I probably would rather not know, I just think there are some people that love to gossip and I would rather not know what they are saying...I figure if they are gossiping about me they are leaving somebody else alone, but if I actually hear it I would get mad.

Now if one of those people was watching my child I might feel different.

[Jessika]

I don't know, if someone was talking THAT viciously about me behind my back, I WOULD want to know, especially if one of those people I trusted with my child's life!

I'd have done the same thing in those circumstances.

[Vela]

I find, personally, that it's usually best to stay out of these types of things as often somehow the "messenger" can come out on the bad end of things. It if was dangerous, regarding the person looking after the child, then yes. As for the other people, if she doesn't know them, then I wouldn't have said anything about what they were saying, especially since they were the worst offenders in saying things. I don't necessarily think you were wrong per se, but it may end up backfiring on you in the end. I try never to get involved unless it will actually harm the person they are talking about.

[lizbud]

I find, personally, that it's usually best to stay out of these types of things as often somehow the "messenger" can come out on the bad end of things. It if was dangerous, regarding the person looking after the child, then yes. As for the other people, if she doesn't know them, then I wouldn't have said anything about what they were saying, especially since they were the worst offenders in saying things. I don't necessarily think you were wrong per se, but it may end up backfiring on you in the end. I try never to get involved unless it will actually harm the person they are talking about.

I agree 100%. If you want to feel like you've done something good for
your friend, you could speak out in her defense right then & then let it
drop. At least those gossipers would know that you don't appreciate
hearing any of it. IMO.

[catnapper]

I DID tell Ann and the Noseys that what they were saying was completely unfounded, and then the Noseys actually had the nerve to say, "yeah, well we have a police scanner and you shold hear whats being said about them!" I asked them to elaborate and they refused. If you knew my nieghbor's husband, you'd know that he is as straight and narrow as they come. His looks are decieving, because he does look rough and tumble. It took me a year or so to really get to know them and appreciate what a fabulous couple they were because he DOES have a look to him that is decieving.

But for people to be spreading rumors all about town about him and illegal/illicit events? No way! I for one would want to know if these whisperings would be going on about me and my hubby! Imagine a cop showing up one night because neighbors called in a report about him, when all he was doing is watching a football game and screaming at the TV.... yet since the town thinks he's an abuser or something else, they'll hear the yelling and think he's abusing her.

I tried many many times to tell these people that my friend is completely awesome and that I am her FRIEND and yet they continued to bash her. These people are somewhat powerful in town, and remember, Ann babysits their daughter.

[jazzcat]

Yike, sounds like a sticky situation. I just know from my personal experience that it's better for me to stay out of things like that. Like the others said, a lot of times the messenger is the one who comes out looking bad.

On the other hand, if people were out saying truly slanderous things about me or my husband I would want to know but if it's just malicious gossip I'd rather not.

[catnapper]

Whew, I emailed her saying I am sorry if I upset her. And she emailed me back telling me to knock it off! She said she hasn't had time to think about it since lunch and that she actually thinks its funny how people have this misconception of him. Apparently she's come across this idea in the past, when they first got together.

She wants to keep an eye on Ann because she babysits for her. She told me to DEFINATELY tell her if Ann says anything more about her husband. She does not want people who badmouth her husband and spread rumors to be babysitting ther daughter and accepting payment for it.

[caseysmom]

As her daughter gets older Ann may make derogatory remarks about her father also...she wouldn't want that.

[Laura's Babies]

I had a sister in law that use to feel like it was her job to tell me everything she had heard people say about me and I found it highly amusing, the things people were saying verses the truth.. I'd always say, "Well, I know so & so said that!" and it would blow her away because I knew who it was.. How did I know?.... As I told my former SIL... it has to be someone so bored with their own life that they have to sit around and dream what somebody else could be doing that she is missing out on and that person was the most bored person I knew! Since I was so outgoing and always the life of the party and she was so hum-drum... Well 2+2=4.

It is amusing to hear what other people think of your life based on snippets of things they may see or overhear and add and add to it until it is a crazy story that is so far from what your life really is that it becomes downright funny.. I am glad your friend found it as amusing as I use to find it.

[Glacier]

Whew, I emailed her saying I am sorry if I upset her. And she emailed me back telling me to knock it off! She said she hasn't had time to think about it since lunch and that she actually thinks its funny how people have this misconception of him. Apparently she's come across this idea in the past, when they first got together.

LOL, You get used to it! People think all sorts of things about Stuart because he has the same rough around the edges look your friend's hubby has. Stuart is also very loud, outspoken, brutally honest and doesn't take any crap from anybody. He scares the beejeezus out of some people. One of my co-workers told me once that before she got to know him, she would have crossed the stree to avoid him! I get a different side of him that no one else sees. I'm sure your friend does too. I'm glad she's secure enough in her hubby to see the humor in the rumors!

[carole]

Well Kim you were faced with quite a dilemma and you chose to tell your friend about it, apparently it has been the right decision, so be comfortable in knowing that, it does not always turn out that way, and I guess I would probably not have said anything, although i certainly would have wanted to, you can only do what you think is right, I once was faced with a very awkward situation, my then best friends husband flirted with me behind my friends back, and on the phone, it used to upset me terribly, he would tell me how he thought i was nice looking and all that kinda of stuff, i wanted to tell her desperately but i never did, i think it was the right decision in this particular case, now years on she divorced the creep and knows what he is really like, but still i would not tell her even to this day, some things are just best left unsaid.,in my case anyhow.

[catnapper]

OMG! I just got back from a town hall meeting. I told my friend to be there (actually tonight's town hall meeting is exactly how the conversation started) I told her that some people were complaining about the way she parks along the street and were going to bring it up tonight. I thought she should be there to defend herself.

Anyhow, Mr. Nosey stood up, went up to the microphone and complained about her car being parked where she always parks it. The committee people basically blew him off and moved on to another topic, so Mrs. Nosey got up to the microphone and said, "I want to go back to the discussion of that red car. This has been going on for years now and I haven't said anything because I was afraid to call the police, since I know there have been domestics calls to the police." then she went on to say, "I don't want him to find out I called and try to seek out revenge on me. If he can do that to his wife, whats going to stop him going after me?" (only not in so many words) Oh-my-gawd!

Hubby and I sat there with our jaws in our laps. We were absolutely STUNNED she said that in such a public forum! Shortly after that little speach, we hightailed it out of there to give her heads up that now they'll be calling the police on her every time they see her car parked in what they deem "the wrong place"... or for any other matter they seem fit. Of course she's not home, so now I'm stuck.... do I tell her this or leave it go at "you're going to get ticketed tomorrow if you don't move the car"

[Suki Wingy]

I would have done the same thing.

[Craftlady]

Anyhow, Mr. Nosey stood up, went up to the microphone and complained about her car being parked where she always parks it. The committee people basically blew him off and moved on to another topic, so Mrs. Nosey got up to the microphone and said, "I want to go back to the discussion of that red car. This has been going on for years now and I haven't said anything because I was afraid to call the police, since I know there have been domestics calls to the police." then she went on to say, "I don't want him to find out I called and try to seek out revenge on me. If he can do that to his wife, whats going to stop him going after me?" (only not in so many words) Oh-my-gawd!

I would tell your friend what happend and then I would advise her to contact a lawyer. I'd sue Mrs Mosey so fast for slander of character her head would spin. The city officals who where present, I would get them to sign depositions as to what she said in public.