How to confront a cheating friend...

[Sirrahsim]

My husband and I regularly go out to eat or bowling or whatever with his coworkers. I consider myself pretty good friends with most of them and usually I don't have a problem confronting them if they're doing soemthing dumb. For some reason though I can not confront this one guy, I'll call him John Doe. Well, I have always thought John was a pretty good guy. He's always been really nice to me and everything and I used to have utmost respect for him. He is getting married next month and has repeatedly expressed his excitement about it to me. Well, my husband and I went out with John and another coworker the other night and all was well except that John brought a "friend" with him. I know that she isn't his fiance seeing as his fiance is thousands of miles away back in the US, but he was being VERY clingy with her. For example, he walked around behind her and as he passed he hooked his arm around her waist and slid it along her back as he walked. This type of inappropriate contact went on for the entire time that my husband and I were there until we were so angry with John that my husband and I decided to leave. I wanted so badly to say something to John while we were there, but I kept my mouth shut because I knew that I would have just shouted at him and accomplished nothing. Rumor has it (though I dont't generally listen to them) that John and this girl spent last weekend at the beach together- alone. What can I say to him? I feel so horrible for his poor fiance who has no idea. I don't even know if this new girl knows that John is engaged to be married next month? What can I say or do? I'm so irritated at him that I can't even hear his name without feeling angry.

[captain]

I would confront him with the rumours you have heard.

Say something like "Thought you might like to know, etc.... How you were shocked that anyone could even contemplate spreading those rumours considering how HAPPY he has been saying he is to be getting married ........ perhaps it stems from him being a "touchy feely" kind of guy, and people got the wrong idea????
(Not sure if he is a touchy, feely type of guy??)

If he still denies it, I would refer to EXACTLY what you have heard .......... and ask him if he is absolutely certain this is what he wants to do before he gets married ...........

After that, there really is nothing you can do, but try and make very clear to him that his fiance would probably want to know the truth, and it would be up to him to tell her .......

Gee, I hope it works out OK ...

[catnapper]

Wow. Poor girl. Is there a way to contact her? It seems as if he was FLAUNTING his infidelity. I've seen this type of thing and all I could do was pick my chin up off the floor. It happened a few years ago to a very good friend of mine. She had a birthday party for her son and I caught her hubby and her BEST FRIEND smooching in the kitchen, my kids caught them in the garage - he was flaunting it in front of everyone but nobody said anything!

Then a week later, the hubby took my son to the park and the girlfriend showed up - he had used my son as a cover for his cheating! At that point, my son admitted the friend had been doing it all summer long, taking my son somewhere just to get out of the house for a little nookie.

We confronted my friend (nicely) and asked her if there was a problem in her marriage. She said "of course not." We said, well, everyone's seen him kissing your best friend, and he's been using our son as an excuse to go see her." She called us and our son a liar, but a week later, when they had dinner together - she caught him playing footsie with her He still denied it then! She had to catch them in a pssionate embrace to be convinced.

Long story short, she realized we had her best interest at heart, they entered counseling and are trying to put their marriage back together. It took her nearly two years to forgive us (bearer of bad news and all) but she's now in a happier place.

Also, my hubby's first wife was sleeping around on him before the wedding and after. He never knew, but everyone esle did. People who cheat count on their friends not saying anything because they know its something that nobody wants to expose. Say something to the fiance if you can. She'll hate you, but then realized that you helped her fix a big mistake.

We told my friend about her husband BECAUSE nobody ever told my husband and he's always said he wished he knew. He would rather know and be hurt than look like a fool.

Whew, I said a lot. I know people will disagree, and thats ok - differing opinions are good in this instance, I'm just offering my take and experience in such a thing. Please let us know how you handled it.

[dukedogsmom]

I would confront him with what I had heard, also. I would have been fuming. And I think the girl has a right to know. I surely would want to know and I wouldn't want to marry a creep like that.

[CountryWolf07]

I just can't see how people can cheat on others. It's wrong, and obviously.. I would never do that.. It causes so much pain and anger!

[ramanth]

I cannot believe he would be that ballsy to cling onto a woman and act inappropriate with her in front of the two people that know he's engaged!

If it had been me, I'd be snapping pictures and would of said loudly... "Can't wait to show your FIANCE what a good time we're having!"

[Cataholic]

Believe half of what you see and nothing of what you hear.

How do you know that he is 'cheating'? Could he just be friends? I know I have many friends that I 'date'...married friends, and for some reason, their wife couldn't join us that evening. I would hate to think that someone would call the Mrs..and say something like, "Oh, did you know...."

[sirrahved]

*hugs* poor Missy!

What a sensitive subject. I wouldn't keep my mouth shut about it. (when do I ever keep my mouth shut about anything?) I would confront him. I wouldn't go behind his back to his FI, but I would ask him about it, and tell him that you're concerned, etc. At least you'll probably make him feel guilty, and guilt is one of the most powerful forces I know!

[Sirrahsim]

thanks for all of your replies. I'm definately going to have a talk with him, but I just need to find a time where we can have a private conversation. The latest news on the situation that I have heard (from John Doe's mouth as reitterated by my husband) is that his fiance is having second thoughts about getting married now and wants to postpone the wedding for another six months or so. They are, however, still engaged and John "can't wait". Hopefully I will get the chance to speak with him tommorow night. I do not personally know his fiance. She lives back in the states somewhere. The inappropriate contact that was going on was a lot more than could be characterized as being just a touchy-feely guy. Not to mention that I also personally overheard him talking about what beautiful eyes the new girl has and how sweet her smile is... My personal favorite line was "She talks so softly that you really have to get close and listen" *sigh*

[Vio&Juni]

I would have a talk with him maybe, but I would rather ask him if he really wants to marry his fiance. Maybe he doesn't and this would help him realize that if he doesn't, then he shouldn't. I've met some unhappy couples, where both of them had seconds thoughts about their decision, but they still married each other, because they felt they HAD to, since they promised. The biggest promise is the one you make when you marry someone, not when you engage, otherwise, you would marry the person immediatelly. I don't mean he's right to date another girl and then marry his fiance.

If someone told me something about my man, I would tell them to mind their own business. I wouldn't want to know it from a "friend".

I would be worried for the woman only if she KNEW it and pretended not to, just to keep her man. There are milions of those. Cheating doesn't stop when you marry, if it was present before.

This is such a difficult topic and I found out with time that is better to stay out of this kind of situations, esp. telling the other person about "what his/her partner is doing behind his/her back. Many times they will accept it and you will be the one to be blamed - because "you envy their happiness"