Explaining death to a child

[luckies4me]

My father is very ill at the moment, and it could be any day now that he passes. He has told the doctor that he does not want any CPR or life support in the event something bad happens. I do not blame him, as he has had his fair share of crappy times the past 12 years or so. He lost both of his legs to diabetes. He now has a hole in his heart that is apparently inoperable. My step mother just died from liver disease, so my step brother stayed at the house to care for my father. They were unable to pay their rent so they got evicted. My brother went to the house the other day and cleaned it out. He will move most of it into storage.

Having heard that my father was evicted from his apartment, his doctor told him to come into the hospital until they could find a hospice center to care for him. When my father arrived the doctor found my dad in very poor shape. He has multiple pressure sores all over his body, his two stumps, and a fairly large one on his arm, which has claimed a nice chunk of flesh. He now is missing skin and muscle from that arm, and the infection is still there. He desperately needs surgery, however that is not an option because he is in such poor health. They are treating him with antibiotics, cleaning his wounds and changing his bandage every three days. It does seem to have improved slightly. He also has emphaseema (sp?) and a few other things to deal with.

It can be any day, and we are all prepared. He will be cremated and his ashes skattered with his wives, who just passed away about a year or so ago. I need to sit my oldest son, age 7, down and explain to him what is happening and prepare him for what is going to happen. I know he is young, and the last thing I want to do is scar him for life. I do not know how to approach the subject. I am afraid he is going to start crying, which is going to make me cry, and we're just going to sit there and cry and nothing will get accomplished. I want him to have an understanding of what is going to happen and why he might not see "grandpa" again. He is a very sensitive little boy. He has always been that way, and that is one of the things I love so much about him.

If anyone has been in this situation before, and can give me some tips I would greatly appreciate it. This is a tough time for our family, and I would like to try to make this as easy as possible.

[Freedom]

I am sorry to read this about your father. This must be difficult for both of you at this time.

I don't have any ideas re your son, I will leave that to others.

[caseysmom]

When my mother died I had been expecting her for dinner, a week before she had been diagnosed with an enlarged heart. When she didn't arrive I got scared and she didn't answer her phone.

I had no choice but to take my kids who were 7 and 9 at the time with me to her house, I left them in the car for a few minutes and peaked in the garage, I saw her car in there and no answer at the door, I broke in and found her dead. It was hot in the car so when I called 911 I told them my kids were in my car.

The mediical examiner arrived and she asked me if I believed in heaven, I said yes so she went and explained to my kids that their grandmother had gone to heaven. My 9 year old asked to see her grandmother, her mouth was open so the medical examiner covered everything but her hand and let my daughter hold her hand.

I don't think all of that scarred my kids, my poor kids have had a lot of death, a few year prior to that it was my dad, a few years after was my sister in law and then my brother.

I think its good to tell them that their grandfather is not suffering anymore and is in a better place. Hugs to you I am sorry about your father.

[luckies4me]

Thank you for the help. I chose not to talk to him about it today. I just couldn't push myself to do it, even though I know the sooner that I do it the better. I went across the street to Borders and picked up a few parenting books about the subject. Hopefully it will guide me in the direction I need to go.

[Karen]

You can tell your son about death, and that it happens to every living thing at some time. Plants die, people die, and pets die. But we love them, and the love they have taught us lives on in everyone whom they loved.

I do not know if you or your Dad have any religious beliefs, but if you are Christian, you can explain heaven and God a little. You don't need to go into a lot of details or have a giant theological discussion, just explain that that is where good people go when they die, and he'll be reunited with the ones he loved.

Most of all explain that you love your Dad, and may be sad and need a few extra hugs. That gives him something concrete that he, as a little boy, can do.

[luckies4me]

Thank you Karen for the suggestions. I really appreciate it. He is just so sensitive that I worry about how he'll react. He can't even stand to be in the same room when the lizards gobble up their mealworms because he'll cry.