I need help....

**catnapper** · 01-08-2008, 08:35 AM

I'm at my wit's end with the kids. One in particular. I can't even recount their activities in the past few months --- believe me, its enough to write a few winning story lines for daytime dramas. They HAVE turned violent and hit both me and hubby. They knocked one of their siblings out and gave them a concussion. Hubby kicked them out, and like usual, they came back home right away and everyone pretends nothing happened. This kid needs help! WE need help!

Do you think hubby pushed them to see a doctor and get US a mediator or therapist? noooooo..... that would require actually admitting there is a problem. He seems to take the "pretend its not happening" way of dealing with it.

I'm tired of walking on eggshells. I'm tired of hiding out in my room, and going to work early/staying late - going in on my day off just to avoid this "child". This is MY HOME TOO! I'm tired of fighting with hubby about something he knows I'm right on, something he agrees with me on. Then when it comes time to enforcing it, he chickens out. He doesn't even want to talk about it because he KNOWS I'm right, but KNOWS he's completely incapable of making his kid do what they need to do (God forbid he makes them do something that will make them mad at him!

) When we "discuss" this whole situation, he is constantly telling me to stop telling him things he already knows. He KNOWS. I know he knows. I just can't figure out why he can't implement action for something he knows.

I need a good website for advice and perhaps a place to vent freely with complete anonimity. SO MUCH has happened that I can't even start to admit whats happening here, I'm not comfortable admitting it here where everyone "knows" me.

I can tell you that whatever happens, it can NOT come from me. It HAS to come from hubby. This child will NOT accept anything from me. They pretend I don't exist, which is fine with me because I prefer that to having them unleash their anger on me. I need a website that will help me help hubby see what he needs to do. I need a new tactic. Apparently the hundred tactics I've tried haven't been effective.

**Laura's Babies** · 01-08-2008, 09:25 AM

First off, it IS just as much abuse when a child hits a parent as it is when the parent hits a child. If this child get violent again, call the police and have it documented!

Hubby can ignore and pretend all he wants but things will only continue to escalate....this problem will NOT go away. Have you tried the failing your responsiability as a parent by allowing him/her to act like this? ONE child should not be allowed to disrupt a household like that and get away with it and no one should have to live under that kind of stress. How long does he expect you to have to live on egg shells like this?

I would have to ask hubby, just where does he see this all going? What outcome does he see if he continues to do nothing? This child is screaming out for help so why isn't he doing something to help him/her? He needs to be finding out what is going on in the childs life that changed him/her and turned him/her into this monster. Where is his parenting resposiability/feelings gone?

In todays world, it is far to scarey to have a child acting like this, something is wrong, terriably wrong and somebody needs to find out WHAT!

**lizbud** · 01-08-2008, 10:03 AM

I can't really give you any helpful advise. I can tell you what I would do.
Considering all that has been going on at your house, hubby & kids need
a BIG wakeup call.There comes a time when words are not enough. I
would pack my bags & leave.

**Sevaede** · 01-08-2008, 10:13 AM

I agree with above posts.

I have been involved in a VERY similar situation before. If you'd like, I'll PM you and we can relate!

**Catty1** · 01-08-2008, 10:37 AM

Leave. Til they fix themselves.

**Jessika** · 01-08-2008, 11:29 AM

Originally Posted by lizbud

I can't really give you any helpful advise. I can tell you what I would do.
Considering all that has been going on at your house, hubby & kids need
a BIG wakeup call.There comes a time when words are not enough. I
would pack my bags & leave.

I know I've never had any kids, and right now my husband is my #1 shoulder to lean on when I'm experiencing a rough time, and the one person I go to to help me or take care of situations I can't handle. So if I went to him with this problem, and he wouldn't do anything, knowing how physically and mentally hurt I was, that would absolutely break my heart that he wouldn't do anything about it.

I would have to agree, I would pack my bags and leave. Give at least hubby a wake-up call so he might grow a pair and do something about the situation.

**kuhio98** · 01-08-2008, 12:40 PM

Kim ~ I don't think a good website is what you need. And though I hate it when the police are called in to parent, I think that may be just what you guys need. I would press charges for assault. Once a complaint is filed, it will force the issue. Hubby seems to know the problem but also knows he's not capable of taking the steps to get these kids the help they need. It sounds like they have never been held responsible for their actions.

It may or may not be too late for them to learn, but you can save Cameron lots of future grief if the whole family is given a wake-up call.

I'm so sorry you have to be the grownup and make these decisions. I wish hubby was strong enough, but he's not, so it looks like its up to you.

**moosmom** · 01-08-2008, 12:43 PM

Lizbud and Laura's Babies gave you great advice. Your husband needs to grow a spine and get things under control. It's NOT going to get better AND it's not the best environment to raise Camden in. Children are a product of their environment. If he sees your kids smacking you around, he'll thinks it's okay.

Catty1 is right. Pack your backs and leave until they fix themselves. Enough is enough.

**Catlady711** · 01-08-2008, 12:56 PM

Maybe I'm alot more stubborn and bull headed (hubby says I am) but when we had his daughter living here for 3 months (her mom dumped her off without warning and had no contact for the entire time) I had a similar problem with hubby. Thankfully his daughter was never violent but hubby would never do what was right in correcting her from her badmouthing, and not obeying simple rules.

I figure I married him, so she's MY step daughter and I should have a part in her raising when she's living in MY house! I took the initiative and took care of business. Since hubby didn't want to deal with the situation anyways he grumbled to me a bit about my tactics but let me do what needed doing.

Had she have been violent to the point of knocking someone out then I'd be on the phone to the police and maybe a couple hours in a jail cell would chill her butt out and make her realize that actions have consequences.

That's just me though, I don't know that everyone could/would react the same way in similar circumstances.

**Catty1** · 01-08-2008, 09:21 PM

What you CAN do, Kim, is call the police and press charges.

And leaving - you are in an abusive situation. You have to be safe and stay somewhere so your head can clear.

Please.

ETA: Found this: http://en.allexperts.com/q/Parenting...sive.htm?zIr=5

Expert: Julie Adams
Date: 6/14/2005
Subject: Step Child abusive

Question
I have been with my husband for 4 years and married for 2 years. His 15 year old son lives with us and because of issues caused by this child I am considering a divorce. This child has stolen from members of the family, has destroyed things in the house, has experimented with drugs and alcohol, and can not follow even the simplest house rules. But what has gotten even more disturbing is the porn. Just this year alone there has been over 30 porn movies removed from our house, there has been a time when a 2 liter coke bottle filled with urine was in his closet, as well as a used condom. I have said time and again that this behavior as well as smoking was not allowed in our home. But this child has even looked his father in the face and told him if he did not want to know it was there then to not go in his room. This has gone on for 4 years and many times I have said this was the last time, but I can not take any more. I will not allow this child alone in our home at all any more and it is making life very hard on his father whom constantly blames me. This child has even broke into our bedroom to rent porn on our tv, which is the only tv in the house that has digital access and is kept in our room so that he does not has easy access. I have a 14 year old daughter that I have to keep away from this boy because I don't trust him. What can I do and how can I make my husband see that there is a real problem. This child is also failing in school and his mother will not help at all. It is lucky if we get her to even see her son three days a month. I love my husband but I can not go on with his son's abuse, or the fact that we fight constantly over the issues of what this child is allowed to get away with in our home. Please help!!!

Answer
Dear Tina,
You are dealing with some very serious issues. I read your pain and frustrations. Please know that you CANNOT make anybody change unless they want to. You cannot force behavior that is not prompted by a change of heart/mind.
You have said that you have threatened many times, but have not acted.....that is the key....no one believes you.
My suggestions is that you remove yourself from the situation with the understanding that you want to work things out and that it is imperative that this child seek professional help. I don't blame you that you do not want your daughter to be around this son. That would be a disaster! Go and live with friends/family or your church family. Don't threaten divorce.....just allow yourself some separation time to get your husband and this son jump started toward some help. I admire your strength and courage in such a difficult circumstance.
Write again if you wish.
Julie

And for what it's worth, take a look at this page; read it: http://www.blendingafamily.com/?gcli...FQkxgwoddjU5XA

**Karen** · 01-08-2008, 09:35 PM

Kim, dear one, I know you love your husband, and family, but this situation warrants serious action, and now. If your hubby won;t do anything, you need to, and if it means getting the police involved, please do so. This is for your own sake, for Cameron's sake, and for the animals' sake, not to mention the other humans in the house.

You will be in our prayers. Something needs to change - and NOW - and it has apparently fallen on you to be the catalyst.

You can do this. We'll all be with you in spirit.

**Grace** · 01-08-2008, 10:07 PM

I agree with those who say - call the police. This type of behavior can escalate into something more serious.

**Twisterdog** · 01-08-2008, 10:31 PM

I agree as well. Call the police and press charges.

As you know, I have a similar situation with my step-children. Although they are not physically violent, they are spoiled little monsters whom their father cannot discipline.

I am attempting to stick it out until they are all 18. (They are 17 and 15 now.) I do not know if I will make it, frankly.

I told my husband before we got married, in no uncertain terms, that I tolerate absolutely zero physical abuse. If he ever hit me or any of the kids, even his own, I would be on the phone to the police in a second. And I also told him if any child ever raised a hand to me, I would do the same. I meant it.

You can't keep living like this. You have gone above and beyond the "duty" of a step-parent. You have put up with enough. Too much. NO ONE can ever say you didn't try, you tried more than most people would have. Take care of YOU. Your husband will more than likely follow your lead. A wake up call is long overdue.

I know this is a strongly worded post, and I hope you don't take offense. But, PLEASE, enough is enough. These "kids" are not really even kids anymore. You are taking abuse and nonsense from adults, basically, and getting no support from your spouse to end it. Please, take care of YOU. PM me. If you need a place to go or a plane ticket, I'll get you one.

**caseysmom** · 01-08-2008, 11:14 PM

I think you need to put your foot down Kim and I know its hard but you are just as important of a part in the whole sceme of things as your husband, whomever is doing this needs a wake up call. Big hugs it must be hell.