needing some advice...

[carole]

Ok when i have doubts or worries i always come to PT for advice, so please bear with me as i explain a situation i have become aware of.

My nephew on my hubbys side has been in trouble with the law a year or so back and spent 3 months in prison,I believe he stole scrap metal and had a weapon on him, not sure on all the details, he has been out for over a year and sadly life is not going well for him, so far he has not re-offended, but i have just been told he is now living in a car.

He comes from a family who does love him and care for him, and really had a reasonable up-bringing, so no excuses there, he just chose this lifestyle and got in with the wrong crowd.

I heard a rumour that he was to sell some weed on behalf of someone,(yes he smokes the stuff regularly,) (one of his major problems i personally believe very lacking in motivation and smoked it and now they are after him.

although it sounds like i am painting a bad picture of him, i am very fond of this boy, he grew up next door to my Scott, and they were friends long before i met my husband and married him. My husbands family are a troubled lot indeed,especially the off spring.

I know his mother is beside herself even though we have no contact i did run into her a while back and she was so stressed, so i know she cares for him and must be sick with worry.

I had thought of moving him into the caravan when my son leaves, but my son says i would be taking on nothing but trouble, and he is probably right and I do have Melissa to think of, but what can I do to help him is my question, what would you do?

Mike my nephew has had depression problems and been on medication, if you met Mike you would like him, regardless of his faults he is a nice boy,sure he has done some silly things and i can only see him on the path to self destruction now, i so want to lead him to a better place, i really believe he needs a job firstly, not always easy with a record and the basic education only, but he has done courses and dropped out, he has too much time on his hands, is how i feel, his own mother is a trained counsellor, and it is always the case you can help others but not your own.

Any advice would be helpful, thanks.

[Corinna]

Say lots of prayers and do not move him in you do have Melissa to think of . If Scott says it would be trouble I would heed his warning. Tough love is not only tough for the child but all the family too.

[carole]

Thanks Corrina i have given the idea of the caravan up , i indeed would be silly to do that,, i know his family are doing tough love with him, he did move home for a while but there was trouble and they kicked him out, but made sure he had somewhere to go , he was living on a campus not far from here, so i have no idea why he has now chosen to live in a car, not sure if his parents even know, we have no contact so i really don't know all the details.

Last time i heard there was a family dispute probably caused by mike, but his own father and younger brother beat him up,now that is not what i call a sensible thing to do, but then his father has always been a hot head, just like mike., he learn't well from him thats for sure. NOT.

I was thinking if i can find out where he is i could maybe take around some wholesome food or something to keep him warm, he has 150 dollars a week ,so he does have money for food, but it would all be junk food, as he has no cooking facilities, gosh i shudder to think what he is doing for his other basic human needs, honestly i could just shake him for being such a silly boy.

I know he is not my responsibility, but hey i have taken in three stray cats, surely i can help my nephew in some small way, it is the least i can do, even maybe talk some sense into him, he and i do have a good relationship, i wrote to him when he was in prison and he wrote back, so i feel i can do something, be it small to help this lad, i know you cannot save everyone, but i have to try.

[Jadapit]

I feel for you and your nephew. Sometimes with an addict of any kind, they need to hit their rock bottom before they wake up and change their life. Maybe your nephew is close to that point. Hopefully he is. It wouldnt hurt for you to talk to him but as hard as it is you really cant enable an addict, they thrive off that. Does that make sence to you? Your nephew will be in my thoughts and prayers.

I want to add one more thing, he might be doing more than the weed, you ususally dont sprial that out of control over weed.

[carole]

Oh i agree yes he may well be into harder stuff, but that i am not certain on, weed has just been a regular part of his life, even his parents smoked it, however i never knew if he knew that or not.

He is praying on my mind, and i feel i must at least get in contact and talk with him, its maybe all i can do really, not sure if the drugs are his main problem or not, if it is just weed, probably not, but sure is the reason he lacks motivation for sure, yes well maybe he has hit rock bottom, let us hope he can pick himself up from there, I don't want to see him waste his young life, he has potential, as really he is a nice boy underneath all this crap he is doing.,thanks for your input, much appreciated.

[BOBS DAD]

Dear Carole,

You are sweet and caring person for your concern for your nephew. I just read this and was touched by your desire to "do" something. Sorry, but I don't have any answers or suggestions for you. I like your last thought of at least contacting him. Sometimes it just helps to know that "others do" care for you and are thinking of you. It may be the impetus for him to "start" to get his life back on track.

Dan

[AbbyMom]

Carole, I agree with Bobs Dad...sometimes people who are hitting rock bottom need to know that someone cares. After all, if you really believe no one cares...then what? And if you contact him and it doesn't amount to much (if he is an addict, it won't change anything), you will always know you tried, and that counts for something in my book.

[Catty1]

I am reminded of a story:

A young adult was ranting at one of their parents, angry at where they were in life and blaming everything on Mom and Dad.

After the yelling ended, one parent replied: "Well, maybe it IS our fault you are where you are now. But if you stay there - that's YOUR fault."

You can carry a message, but not a body - that's totally HIS job.

hugs
Catty1

[buckner]

I speak from personal experience - all you can do is love him and pray for him. You cannot give him money, a place to stay, nothing. He got himself into the rut he's in, he's got to learn how to get himself out. He MUST hit rock bottom before he makes a change. He won't hit rock bottom if you give him money, or a home, or whatever. You can see to it that he doesn't go hungry by giving him food (if you choose) but that's it.

One of my uncles is an alcoholic and a drug addict. He's been to rehab 4-5 times now, and it's done nothing for him. He has two children whom he never sees. He was a lawyer, making $400,000 a year. What does he do now? He makes $7/hr up at a gas station. It's the hardest work he's ever done for the least amount of money. But what happened? He hit ROCK BOTTOM, and I believe he's trying to turn his life around. It'll be a LONG and SLOW process, but if he does, it'll be on his own. Nobody has given him anything. My mom wanted to help, but we all told her if she did, she'd enable his habits. If he wanted to continue his habits, he had to fund them.

Carole, I know you're not thinking of giving him a place to stay. And I know you're wanting to contact him. If you want to contact him, I wish you the BEST of luck! And I admire that even though he's done a lot of "bad" things, you're still there with the thought of "such a nice boy" and wanting to talk to him. It's good to see those kind of people still exist. So, just love him and pray for him. It's really, all you can do.

Keep us updated, I'm interested to see what he decides to do, and what you decide to do. Especially if you're able to contact him, let us know. You, Mike, and his family are all in my prayers. God bless people like you.

[carole]

Thank you all so very much for your words of wisdom, i am going to contact him if i can find out where he is , and at least let him know i care, and give him food and blankets for warmth if need be, i don't know the whole situation and need to see for myself just how bad things really are, i maybe mistaken, who knows, but thanks for all advice, greatly appreciated, you know he really is a nice kid and i just cannot understand why he chooses this path , it is beyond me, i would hate to see this young man waste his life and so far that is what he is doing,if even i can make a small difference in his life, by loving him and helping in a small way,at least i will know i have tryed.