I have a dilemna

Not sure what to do, just found out my good friends daughter is making some very dangerous life choices. My daughter and her daughter are casual facebook friends. My daughter told me some information tonight and I am just not sure what to do.

I hate to even say what she is doing it is really awful...so if this could endanger her should I tell my friend. My daughter said it would devastate her and their daughter probably wouldn't change anyway. I know it would be embarrasing coming from me so I was even thinking about letting her know anonymously.

If I say nothing what if someting happens and I said nothing?

Did your daughter learn of this thru FB? If she did, then I presume that a whole lot of other people know the same thing, regardless of this girl's security/privacy settings, and that it will probably get back to the mother anyway. Since you are good friends, maybe it would be better coming from you, rather than her hearing it by way of gossip from others.

Chances are mom has an inkling that her daughter is heading down a dangerous path. Your daughter is right - if you go to mom, things most likely won't change.

BUT if mom has no idea at all, or no idea the extent of the daughter's activities, mom should know. Screen captues printed out are helpful. You can tell her this info comes directly from her daughter herself.

I know in my experience with my daughter and hubby.... I had every idea what that girl was up to. I kept trying to tell hubby and he kept burrying his head in the sand. He thought I was being dramtic. He now admits he was way wrong and wishes he paid attention. If he was given some proof in form of posts from facebook? Things might be different... maybe not. But at least he would have known for sure. Back then, he was adamently against therapy. Now he has seen how much difference it makes. He wishes he listened to me and got her there when we had the chance.

Oh, and with my daughter, I kept telling her that her boyfriend was cheating on her (among other things illegal). I found out proof via facebook the night before Cam was born. She never believed me til then... and then she was stuck with a brand new infant and no idea of what she was going to do. I felt really bad for her because I felt that I could have stopped ALL of it if hubby would have just listened to me before any of it happened.

I agree with Pomtzu. if it's on Facebook it's probably going to get back to mom one way or another. How old is the girl? if she is a minor then I'd definitely say you need to notify the mother ASAP. if she's not a minor then thats a little trickier but I'd still bring it up with the mother even if just to give yourself some peace of mind.

Good luck. I know how this feels. My neice is really making the worst possible choices and now she also has a kid to look after when she can't even look after herself and I see the things she posts on facebook and I can't help but wonder how long until CPS takes taht child from her because she is just totally unfit mentally to take care of this child... at least the way she presents herself on facebook that seems like the case. but her parents didn't do anything about it when she was a minor and living under their roof so now they definitely can't do anything about it now that she is 18 and out of the house (for now)

I wish people were more aware that what you put on facebook is PUBLIC and anyone can see it no matter what your privacy settings are.

Take your good friend out for coffee and tell her. Let her get over the shock, denial, etc., discuss how she can approach this if she wants to discuss that. Emphasize your daughter wants to be kept out of it!

Or . . . if the girls are at the same school, can your daughter speak to a school counselor about it?

I think Freedom's idea is a good one, bring along some printouts from FB to support what you are saying. She may be upset that you - or anyone - is "butting in," but tell her you are just concerned, want the best for her daughter, and by posting this stuff on Facebook, her daughter is making it the whole world's business - and even future potential employer's business as well.

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Originally Posted by Karen

I think Freedom's idea is a good one, bring along some printouts from FB to support what you are saying. She may be upset that you - or anyone - is "butting in," but tell her you are just concerned, want the best for her daughter, and by posting this stuff on Facebook, her daughter is making it the whole world's business - and even future potential employer's business as well.

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Ditto.

Thanks everyone, she is not a minor she is around 25 now. She has been in some trouble before that her mom knows of...she got a DUI before and she friended my daughter under a new facebook name that is not her own.

My daughter got suspiscious and did some snooping to find her on an escort site, basically she is a prostitute, I couldn't sleep well last night I have known this girl since she is 3. My daughter has been commenting to me on her makeup, hair, clothes but I figure she dresses like one but didn't think she really was doing that. I really feel sickened.

I know her daughters other friend years ago called her mom to tell her she was drinking too much at college so who knows maybe someone has told her this too she just seems like a lost sole to me.

I personally think that you should talk to your friend about her daughter. You hear on the news all the time, of these "escorts" taking up with a bad "date", and ending up dead. At least if you speak up, your conscience will be clear. It probably won't change this girl's ways one way or the other, but you can rest easier knowing that at least you didn't turn your head and pretend that you didn't know anything about it.

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Originally Posted by pomtzu

I personally think that you should talk to your friend about her daughter. You hear on the news all the time, of these "escorts" taking up with a bad "date", and ending up dead. At least if you speak up, your conscience will be clear. It probably won't change this girl's ways one way or the other, but you can rest easier knowing that at least you didn't turn your head and pretend that you didn't know anything about it.

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I think it would ruin our friendship would it be tacky to send something anonymously so she wouldn't have the embarrasement of knowing that I know? I thought I could write something like I am sending this to help your daughter so that you may keep her from danger.

But would she believe an anonymous tip? She just might think someone is trying to start trouble, and disregard it. At least if it came from you, she would know it's not a phony story. I think I would have to risk the friendship for the sake of the girl's safety. Your friend might be angry with you in the beginning, but she'll probably thank you for it later.

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Originally Posted by pomtzu

But would she believe an anonymous tip? She just might think someone is trying to start trouble, and disregard it. At least if it came from you, she would know it's not a phony story. I think I would have to risk the friendship for the sake of the girl's safety. Your friend might be angry with you in the beginning, but she'll probably thank you for it later.

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I thought I could print proof out and send that...I know I am a wimp...

No - you're not a wimp. I understand where you're coming from, and it's a really delicate subject you're dealing with here.

I guess you could print out whatever you have to back up the story and send it. Make sure you print out a mailing label so she doesn't recognize your handwriting too! And make sure no identifying print as to name or email, prints out on what you send too. :eek: Doing that is better than doing nothing - IMO.

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Originally Posted by pomtzu

No - you're not a wimp. I understand where you're coming from, and it's a really delicate subject you're dealing with here.

I guess you could print out whatever you have to back up the story and send it. Make sure you print out a mailing label so she doesn't recognize your handwriting too! And make sure no identifying print as to name or email, prints out on what you send too. :eek: Doing that is better than doing nothing - IMO.

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I know I thought of all of that she's a pretty girl and she received a 4 year degree at college and of course her parents paid for that...it just disgusts me and makes me sad at the same time.

Well good luck.

Yes - it is said. It's a shame that some of these young people can't see past the nose on their face, and live only for today. In cases like this, they are throwing away a good future as well as their (formerly) good name. I hope someone can turn her around before it's too late for her.

If I ever found out that my child(regardless of age) was doing something that could potentially harm him, and learned my FRIENDS knew about it and said nothing, THAT would ruin the friendship for me.

Far better to risk ruining a friendship than knowing you might have made a difference in a person's life.

To me, there simply isn't any other option but to go to this woman and tell her what you know. Not what your daughter knows..but what YOU know. You need to make sure your daughter isn't overstating the facts.

I totally agree with Cataholic---you should get in touch with your friend, face to face would be best. Please don't wait and think about this - we had an almost identical case here a couple of years ago,the mom had been friends with my daughter in high school but they eventually went their own way. What a shock when we heard on the news that this mother's daughter had been found dead in a motel , so far the murder has gone unsolved although there was lots of clues and evidence, just not enough to find anyone guilty - the case is cold but still open. The mother has not had a day of peace since she lost her daughter who was only 19. I don't think she will ever find closure until the guilty party is brought to justice.

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Originally Posted by Cataholic

If I ever found out that my child(regardless of age) was doing something that could potentially harm him, and learned my FRIENDS knew about it and said nothing, THAT would ruin the friendship for me.

Far better to risk ruining a friendship than knowing you might have made a difference in a person's life.

To me, there simply isn't any other option but to go to this woman and tell her what you know. Not what your daughter knows..but what YOU know. You need to make sure your daughter isn't overstating the facts.

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Unfortunately I saw her ad with my own eyes with her pics and even reviews, been going on a few years from her reviews....

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Originally Posted by caseysmom

Unfortunately I saw her ad with my own eyes with her pics and even reviews, been going on a few years from her reviews....

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You need to schedule a sit-down with her mother. If you know, she may know, but not know how to bring it up. And if she doesn't know, she needs to, as her daughter's actions are impacting her quality of life, health, well-being and her whole future.

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Originally Posted by Karen

You need to schedule a sit-down with her mother. If you know, she may know, but not know how to bring it up. And if she doesn't know, she needs to, as her daughter's actions are impacting her quality of life, health, well-being and her whole future.

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The only problem is really my daughter found out my snooping because she suspected from things on her fb (under the assumed name) she had shown me things too and I figured she was doing exotic dancing or something

You don't need to tell your friend how you discovered all this information, it's out there for the world to see.

If this has been going on for a few years, don't you think the mother has some idea that SOMETHING is going on? I ask this simply because I think if it's been going on that long she suspects something. Do they have a strained relationship or is the mother and daughter very close? Maybe she is in denial and doing it face-to-face has got to be hard, but maybe if you show her you know it'll make her wake up and realize the reality of the situation...

I hope everything works out whatever you do. You're a great mom, don't forget that :love:;)