I knew this would happen..

I´m so beyond PO.. :mad::mad:

so my MIL called me to tell me.. "why don´t you leave the kid with us?".. ok.. seriously what??!!.. well... because he´s MY kid.. why would I even think of that?...

it´s not like they are not seeing him.. or won´t be seeing him.. I told her my "plan" was for him to go to school all week.. then on the weekend he could go sleepover there.. so they also had time with him.. IMO sounds reasonable..

well.. yesterday they offered to take him for ice cream and a much needed haircut.. I agreed.. when they came back.. my boy asked me if he could stay over there that night.. I agreed again.. as long as he had finished his homework.. he did..

so today they took him to school.. everything was "ok".. until recently when I got a call from my FIL.. saying that he already asked for what he wanted to eat today.. so I assumed he meant he was just eating with them.. but then asked some clothes for him for tomorrow as he´s staying with them again and said "so he doesn´t gets confused".. confused??.. why would he be...

I really don´t get these people.. but then again I don´t wanna fight with them for all we´ve been lately.. but come on.. I really find no reasoning behind this... at all..

I understand if they want to spend more time with him.. but he has a mom.. and has a routine to follow (school, homework, sleep early, etc).. then on weekends he can go over and get spoiled.. is that too hard for them to comprehend?.. apparently so..

I know if my hubby was here.. he´d back me up.. I without any doubt know it..

since forever they also asked him to "give" him up to them.. really??!!.. why would any of us would just give our kid to them just like that.. no way!!.. no way!!

I´m gonna have to step up and suck it up..when they come for clothes I´m gonna have to say no.. sorry but no..

oh man.. why does it ever gets this tough with inlaws...

I understand you and I think I would react exactly the same way. I would also say no. You are his mom, there is no reason you can suddenly not take care of him anymore.

Tell them you know they miss their son, but as you recently lost your husband, and your son lost his father, you'd rather not disrupt his life more by leaving him with them. Keeping a regular routine is important for children, and you would like to do that as much as possible. And when the baby arrives, it will be important for him to be home to get to know his new sister, as he will be a way for her to learn about their father.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Karen

Tell them you know they miss their son, but as you recently lost your husband, and your son lost his father, you'd rather not disrupt his life more by leaving him with them. Keeping a regular routine is important for children, and you would like to do that as much as possible. And when the baby arrives, it will be important for him to be home to get to know his new sister, as he will be a way for her to learn about their father.

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I couldn't have said it better. *Hugs* Sorry people are making it harder for you. :(

What Karen said.

Hang in there, girl! You and your family are in my thoughts in prayers.

Oh Isabel, I am sorry you have to cope with this as well.

Yes, just stand firm in your plans. Not easy, I am sure.

I am so sorry, Isabel, that you and your son now have to deal with this on top of everything else.

You are absolutely right, and I join everyone else in encouraging you to stand firm in your plans. I thought Karen put the reasons why very well in a firm but tactful way to make your point.

God bless you all, including your in-laws, because you are all going through a great deal of pain.

Love from Pat (and cats)

Karen said it perfectly.
I also understand they lost their son, and their grandson is sort of like filling that void. But he is YOUR son and he does need a routine, especially right now. They're going to have to accept seeing him on weekends.
I'm so sorry they are causing you more pain and stress. :(
Hugs!!

Isabel i agree with you and the others too, i do feel that they are grieving as you are, they have lost two sons, and i think they are living through your son for now, i am sure in time as the pain heals for all things will return to normal, you are right to take a stand and stick with it, your son needs stability right now and to be with his mother,just need to gently point that out to them i think, my heart goes out to you and i hope things can sort themselves out regarding this problem,you certainly don't need anything on top of already what you are going through GIANT HUGS.:love::love:

What Karen said--- I'm so sorry to see you go through this after your tragic loss. I'm sure your in-laws mean well but the sooner you set the bounderies the sooner things will smooth over.

I agree with Karen too. Your son is not a replacement for their son. Maybe they think they're giving you some kind of break. Karen is so right, your son needs a routine. And you're right, weekends are good enough.

What you do now will set the pattern for the future and what they will expect. Putting a stop to this now will save you a lot of heartach later. It sounds like you will have to be firm with them but better now than later.

I'd tell them they have each other.... HE is all you have and right now he needs his Mother. He has got to get use to it just being the two of you.

They may just be trying to help but if it is allowed to happen, I would be afraid my child would end up afraid I would leave him too. He needs ALL of you but he needs to be at home with his Mama.

thank you all.. I knew I was not crazy...

here´s what happened.. bit long but I need to vent..

I went over.. they were kinda surprised I was there and asked why.. I told them i was picking my kid up.. my FIL was sort of ok.. but not my MIL.. she asked why.. I told her because he had to do homework, sleep early and such and that I would bring him back on the weekend just as we had talked about before..

well.. she wasn´t satisfied with that answer and asked again.. but why are you taking him.. and i told her that I just had told her why... yet again she seemed to not understand.. so i added.. he needed a routine from monday-friday.. just as we have had.. especially as he has just started in a new school with new teachers and new methods.. and that i needed to be there with him so I could settle my routine too.. so we could adjust to the change and that I could make it easier for him..

still not convinced she added.. he can do homeworks here (which by the time I arrived he hadn´t so we stayed up late finishing it up).. and it´s better for him.. he doesn´t needs to get confused (wouldn´t he be more confused if i left him there.. I mean no dad.. and then no mom??.. come on) besides he has a great time here (no doubt about it.. if I were only playing I would too)...

FIL said to her.. let him go.. he can come back on the weekend.. but MIL would just not back off... she even said that she wasn´t trying to take my place (really..:rolleyes:) and he wanted the best for him.. (well.. newsflash!! I do too).. and added that my husband always wanted that but I never let him (ok.. what are you talking about?!..giving our kid to you?.. you seriously can´t be serious about that! I know he didn´t).. so now I´m the bad person that had her son under control.. yeah right.. like if ever.. whatever decision we made it was made between us BOTH.. not because I said so.. like if I had that power.. :rolleyes:

I took him home... but really they did made it tough for me.. and what´s worse she said.. "I bet your mom lectured you so he didn´t stayed here".. of course I told her.. "what does my mom has to do here at all".. for me it´s just as easy to go to my home and divide weekends between you two.. but my furniture hasn´t arrived and I have no car (my car is in their garage).. but my mom has no saying in my decisions..

she just made a face..

then they both asked when i was taking the car.. I said as soon as i had a place so i could sell it.. and they said.. but remember half of it is of my other son.. WTH??!!.. half of it??.. don´t these people realize my husband sold our two cars to get a brand new one.. then gave that one to his brother in exchange for this one AND still was paying for another car to compensate the difference.. and now they want half of it??..

I was so close into saying.. you know what.. here are the papers of the car take them.. sell it, gift it away I don´t care.. but then I thought.. the least I deserve is to get my car back and whatever amount my husband payed for it, then you can have it.. it´s just as fair.. and they don´t need a car.. they have the one my husband was paying off to compensate the car exchange difference.. I have NO car at all.. yeah my folks have been moving me around.. but I had two cars to start with.. then upgraded for another.. and now they want me to have non.. or half of it.. have they ever thought of not my needs but their grandchildren... their ONLY grandchildren..

I kind of want to understand their reasoning because of the pain.. but I AM in pain too!!.. I have no job, no car, two kids (one in school one on the way), a house and bills to pay and no money in the bank.. I´m still trying to figure out is the hubs had any insurance but I have to wait 3 months for the company to tell me.. why? I have no clue ... what do they need??!!.. give me a break!.. I am not a material person.. I will give it to them.. but my plans were to sell it.. buy a smaller, cheaper car were we all could fit in and use the rest towards MY KIDS school and needs until I got a steady income... my folks have been awesome... they have chipped in so I could get thing moving.. (school and paying the movers).. but i don´t wanna add 3 kids (me and my own) to their expenses...

ughh...I really don´t want or need to fight with them.. nor keep them away from my children.. but they sure don´t make it any easier... they really never liked me or my ways.. and only because I´m not exactly like them.. but we can´t all be the same... I am who I am... too bad I don´t have my hubby to back me up.. in the years we were together (12) he certainly opened his eyes a bit and made his own choices but not because I "forced" him to.. but of course in their eyes I did..

I´m deeply sad.. but this issues make me so mad.. that my tears have turned into frustration and anger.. and I so don´t want that..

sorry for my huge vent.. but I just don´t get them.. I just don´t... why make things even more difficult.. I don´t know...

OMG you poor thing. To lose your beloved and now to have to fight with his parents, it breaks my heart to hear the pain in your words and the frustration which you have EVERY right to.
Inlaws can be horrible sometimes. In their profound grief they might not be as kind as they should be. Which not all people are when they are suffering, some become kinder some not.
You are a good mom. This is your child and I honestly believe your decisions are spot on. Your son needs routine now. He needs a home, a mom and school, and friends. I hope that they will see this and be supportive to you. In no uncertain terms should they try and take your child. Yes they lost theirs, but they can NOT replace him with yours.
Please try and take care of yourself, this is such a stressful time and you carry such a precious package within you.
Hugs and the very best prayers to you and the children. :love:

Sounds to me like she is not thinking straight in her grief! Why would their other son be entitled to half of the money from the sale of that car? Was that the agreement between him and your husband? Yes, I would make sure I got out of it what your husband put into it.

I tell you what, if all they are going to do is put more grief and worry in my life, I would consider cutting ties with them until they settle down and act right. All they are going to end up doing is messing up your sons life with confusion, all that negativity and make your life a living hell. You nor YOUR family need that.

I know of a similar situation that happened years ago. A guy married a Hawaiian woman while stationed there and brought her back home. His parents had expected him to marry a local girl and never accepted the one he choose because she was dark skinned. He had 3 kids with her... then he drowned. His parents like to have drove her crazy. They constantly messed with her, causing her more grief and problems all the time, non stop. She bought herself and the kids tickets and went back to Hawaii and his parents didn't see those kids again until they were grown. They miss seeing their grandkids grow up or be a part of their life simply because they could not accept their mother and respect that HE choose her to marry and have a family with.

I understand they are in the anger phase of their grief but they need to watch what bridges they may burn in that anger. Someday, they will be sorry!

Along the lines of what Laura said. If they can't understand what you are saying about keeping your son and letting him visit on weekends, then maybe you have to tell them "it's weekends or nothing". I know you don't want to do that. I know you want your son (and daughter) to see their grandparents. But they are the grandparents, NOT the parents.
What angers me is that your MIL makes it sound like you can't raise him good enough and you will cause him to be confused. I think, having just lost his father, losing his mother would be the most confusing thing EVER.
You have the right idea, stand your ground now or it will just be more difficult down the road. Maybe once things settle a bit they will understand and you can all come to an arrangement of when they can have the kids visit.

We are here for you Isabel. You know you can count on your Facebook family. Hang in there! Hugs to you. :)

:( I am so sorry that you are having to deal with the inlaws like that.. I will have to aggree with others.. Hang in there & Lots of Huggss..

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I don't understand what your in-laws are thinking, since what your son really needs is his mom and like you said, to get into his new routine. It sounds like they aren't thinking straight right now...you need support, not more drama. I hope things start improving for you soon and you can get them to see reason.

I'm with the "weekends or nothing" crowd. They don't need to keep making more drama for you. They're grieving, sure, but they don't need to dump on you too.

Wow Isabel, I'm so sorry they are treating you this way. :( You've dealt with enough. He's YOUR child, of course you want him to live with you, you're his mom. I hope they come to understand this, sorry that you have to go through all this. {{HUGS}}

Oh Isabel, having dealt with wacky in-laws thru a divorce, I can relate to how crazy-making this can be. Bottom line; You may need to be blunt and remind your MIL over and over that as his Mother YOU decide where and when he goes somewhere. "Weekends or nothing" option sounds fair enough, as long as they play by YOUR rules, not the other way around.
I wouldn't even give the car thing a second thought - its your car to do with as you see fit, certainly not something you need to be stressing out over right now. Sending you good thoughts-

Isabel, I can't imagine your pain or your sons. But as you've said before you are gaining your strength for him. Be strong and don't let others manipulate your life despite what they believe to be best intentions. You know what's right for you and your children. Karen said it best. Know that we are all behind you. You deserve all the best.
Claudia

{{{{{ISABEL}}}}}

I wish you all the best. You have been through enough already. Your MIL needs to have some respect for you and let up on soothing her feelings. Stand your ground!!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Pembroke_Corgi

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I don't understand what your in-laws are thinking, since what your son really needs is his mom and like you said, to get into his new routine. It sounds like they aren't thinking straight right now...you need support, not more drama. I hope things start improving for you soon and you can get them to see reason.

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I agree. Please take care. (((HUGS)))

Their behavior is disgraceful and they should be ashamed of themselves. What exactly do they want, to take the rest of your life away? If it were me, I would not allow them to see their grandchild at all, and with all the harrassment, I would get an order of protection for him and myself. . .that is for me. Have them buy you out as far as the car is concerned and be done with them. This will never end. People like that never change. Sorry for the harsh words but I have seen this time and time again and it enrages me. Sometimes you cut your loses and walk away. . .this might be one of those times.

I hold you in my heart, dear lady. I hope that you can heal and be happy once again.

:love:Cathy

Oh, why do people have to be like this? I can't understand their reasoning. I don't know what to tell you, but you are fully right, of course. Don't let them take too much "power" on you, because then it will be even more difficult. You did right taking your son back, there is no reason that he spends more time than the week-ends at their home. And for the car, it's amazing! If they are in such pain, the first thing they think about should certainly no be about trying to get some money from it!

Gosh, Isabel, MY head is reeling, just reading and imagining all you are going through. I am sorry this "blew up" as it did.

One thing you learned: don't volunteer info to them. Thy asked when you are taking the car, say as soon as your things arrive, whatever. But volunteering that you plan to sell it, that jut started another issue. They don't need to know. This is not easy to do, it is in our nature to chat with folks about our plans. Not with these people, at least not for a while. Protect yourself, limit the things they can "jump" on.

I think of you multiple times daily, and pray for you as often. Hang in there, Isabel.