Things are great, but.. ? [relationship question]

Things with Mike are going really great.. been together for almost three years in January.. but one thing - he hasn't been able to say the three words still - "I love you" and I've said it a couple times and all he can say back is, "I know".. should I at all be concerned? We just went on vacation for a couple days, and we had a good time. I know I want to hear those words, but sometimes I wonder once in a while if he really does or not. My family thinks it's strange that he hasn't said it yet, and seems like that their thinkings/influence is starting to grow on me this time around and I'm starting to get nervous over it, possibly over nothing. Oy. :rolleyes: He defends himself every time saying he does, but he just doesn't like to say things with words. I mean, it's been a long time, and I think I would at least deserve to know if he does or not. It would be nice to hear from a guy's perspective on here. Sorry if it's a pointless rant, but it's been on my mind tonight.

I am sure it would bother me too but it does seem like he is showing you he loves you in other ways, it may just be hard for him to say it.

Me and my husband would always say "i love you" at the end of a phone conversation, it was such a habit we would even say it when we didn't mean it at that moment and it became kind of a mumble:D So what I am saying is the words lost their meaning. Do you feel like he loves you when he looks at you?

We know when we're loved.

Ask him. That's all...if there's any insecurity, just ask him. Maybe it's just me, I'm a pretty direct kind of person, but that's what I'd do.

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Originally Posted by Pinot's Mom

Ask him. That's all...if there's any insecurity, just ask him. Maybe it's just me, I'm a pretty direct kind of person, but that's what I'd do.

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I agree with this 100%, Rachel. I know how you feel about it and it is time you talked to him and see what he says. I still think he's just not the kind of person to easily say it but three years have passed. You deserve to hear it from him. I hate to tell this story but.....my Mom and Dad were never real affectionate. Therefore, they never really said "I love you" to us very much. My kids became concerned one day, years later, and asked why I didn't say it to them. We got it all out and now, we all say it to each other, every time we talk or say goodbye temporarily. It's so much better.

Best wishes with this. I know it may not be easy but I think it's time to have that talk. {{{{{HUGS}}}}}

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Originally Posted by Pinot's Mom

Ask him. That's all...if there's any insecurity, just ask him. Maybe it's just me, I'm a pretty direct kind of person, but that's what I'd do.

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I agree.

The thing is, I have asked - He seems to be insecure about feelings & emotions but he said he does, he just doesn't like to say it, never has. He really defends himself on that issue - so I just leave him alone about it, because it seems like the more I try to encourage him to be open, he just stays closed. He grew up in that situation in a family where they never really say "I love you". So he asked me if I thought he didn't considering all of the things he's done for me and all the times he's been with me. He is really affectionate in other ways, not with words. He remembers all the little things, etc. Maybe I do have a problem with myself. :confused: Don't get me wrong, we both are happy with each other, we laugh a lot and really enjoy being around each other, and once in a while, that gets on my mind and causes me to think. Maybe it is one of his flaws that never came up until later on into the relationship. Nobody's perfect, right?

Does he send you cards on your birthday or Valentine's Day, that have a message of love? Maybe he just can't say it. If you've been together for 3 years, and he shows love in his actions, I think it would be pretty safe to say that he most likely does. However, I'm like you - I like to hear the words to go along with the actions. ;)
Maybe he's saving it for the day he proposes to you. :D

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Originally Posted by pomtzu

Does he send you cards on your birthday or Valentine's Day, that have a message of love? Maybe he just can't say it. If you've been together for 3 years, and he shows love in his actions, I think it would be pretty safe to say that he most likely does. However, I'm like you - I like to hear the words to go along with the actions. ;)
Maybe he's saving it for the day he proposes to you. :D

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No cards on Valentine's Day or flowers/gifts, anything like that really. Birthday cards, yes, but not with "love" on them, but just humorous cards, signs it with his name, that's all. I don't know, he's just a very different guy. We don't hold hands, etc. any like of the normal couples you'd see out there in public, but you know we are together, by how we act and walk together, etc. I honestly think he's afraid of a lot of things - especially when it comes to admitting/opening up on feelings/emotions. Just wish he'd realize it is OK to do that stuff. :)

:) I have had the same man in my life for 13 years now.. We dont say the words to each other.. However we know we love each other in our hearts.. Some people just cant say the words -but do love you.. Some people say the words & they dont mean it & that is worse.. You will know in your heart that your Mike loves you..

This could relate back to when he was a child.I could be 100% wrong too so please dont take this the wrong way.I have seen alot of my friends,even family,That there family never ever said those three words,And when you never hear them it could be hard to say "I Love You".I myself rarely ever heard it from my mother,I have never had a problem saying it but some might.I have seen alot over my years of this.Its not that he does not love you,I dont think any of us could be with someone we did not feel for.

Just observe a bit maybe and see how the interaction with his parents are,When you are not shown or have not heard the words in some cases it maybe hard to say them to someone else,Me and my mother had a a rocky relationship when i was growing up,Same from my grandfather he never said it But i knew he did just the way he was with me.I know these arnt examples from relationships with the opposite sex,But that could be his problem.


I have read your posts about him and you,There is no doubt in my mind that he does love you,You can see it!.But i also know how much it means to me when my husband tells me he loves me,Everything else just disapears.Talk to him,Tell him how your feeling,When you are with someone you should be able to talk to them about anything.Even if you or the spouse dont like what there hearing.

It would be a problem for me. Not because I do or don't feel loved, or the like. But, because it is, to me an indicator that there are problems in the area of emotional health, and these problems do not go away on their own.

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Originally Posted by Cataholic

It would be a problem for me. Not because I do or don't feel loved, or the like. But, because it is, to me an indicator that there are problems in the area of emotional health, and these problems do not go away on their own.

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I agree with you; it would be a problem with underlying issues that need to be resolved.

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Originally Posted by Pinot's Mom

I agree with you; it would be a problem with underlying issues that need to be resolved.

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How would I exactly go around with this problem, then? I've tried talking - it isn't easy for him to speak out how he feels and whatnot and I think it's time he needs to tell me, since I have a lot of change(s) coming up - family relocating within a year or two to Florida, and that's a lot on my mind to think about later on down the road. I just don't really understand him emotionally on HOW he is sometimes, and you know, he is a very different guy, it's as if he has no idea how to be in a relationship once in a while. :confused:

Hey Rachel, there was a book I read a while ago, and though its talking specifically about marriage relationships, I think it might apply in your situation. Its called 'The Five Love Languages', and basically the premise is that the best relationships happen when you can read each others 'Love Language'.

The five different languages are: Words of affirmation (what you are looking for), Quality Time, Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical touch.

So while you may be a person who's love language is words of affirmation, Mike could have a completely different love language. Does he desire to spend a lot of quality time with you? Does he bring you small gifts?

Just because he hasn't ever said the three little words out loud, he very well could be communicating to you through actions or touch or spending time with you.

For me, my love language is Words of Affirmation, but Mark's language is Acts of Service. I know that when Mark gets up and makes the bed, or brings me coffee, or opens a door for me, he is saying in his own way that he loves me. So to communicate, sometimes I have to jump over into mark's love language of choice to understand him, and sometimes he needs to jump over into mine.

I hope that helps, and that you can figure this all out. Relationships can be SO complicated sometimes! But no, I don't think that just because he hasn't said the 3 little words don't mean there are necessarily underlying problems in your relationship. Sometimes seeing a counselor can help you get things ironed out and on a better communicating level.

ETA: http://marriage.about.com/cs/communi...velanguage.htm This is a really great synopsis of the book.

"Sometimes seeing a counselor can help you get things ironed out and on a better communicating level."

That's exactly the resolution I was alluding to, but I was trying not to sound too much like Dear Abby! I hope you can figure this out.

The fact that you are asking the question tells me in your heart you know the answer. I know that some guys have problems with saying the words, and if it were just the lack of words I would not worry. The most intimate thing a guy can do is hold your hand. if he is not doing this then he has a real problem showing affection. Don't confuse sex and affection. If he is not after 3 years wanting to hold your hand when you walk, then he will never give you the affection that you really need. An experienced males 2 cent worth.

This is a tough one, Rachel. It sounds like it might irritate him if you address it again. Trying to pull myself back and look at the fact that all people are different, it might be best to leave it alone.
When you say he's a very different guy, to me, it sounds like you are accepting him the way he is. That is probably a good thing, knowing how you feel about him. It might be impossible for him to say those words to anybody(to you or his family). Somehow, I can understand this.

I know you've been waiting for this for a very long time. I believe Mike really does love you and you mean the world to him. If you can, try to believe that in your heart and leave it be for fear of causing conflict. One day, I think Mike will come around. He knows you're waiting for him but it's just too difficult for him right now.

Forgive me if I should already know this answer but, are you moving with the family when they come to Florida? What are you and Mike planning together for the move?

You know I always wish you both the very best.:)

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Originally Posted by Daisy and Delilah

This is a tough one, Rachel. It sounds like it might irritate him if you address it again. Trying to pull myself back and look at the fact that all people are different, it might be best to leave it alone.
When you say he's a very different guy, to me, it sounds like you are accepting him the way he is. That is probably a good thing, knowing how you feel about him. It might be impossible for him to say those words to anybody(to you or his family). Somehow, I can understand this.

I know you've been waiting for this for a very long time. I believe Mike really does love you and you mean the world to him. If you can, try to believe that in your heart and leave it be for fear of causing conflict. One day, I think Mike will come around. He knows you're waiting for him but it's just too difficult for him right now.

Forgive me if I should already know this answer but, are you moving with the family when they come to Florida? What are you and Mike planning together for the move?

You know I always wish you both the very best.:)

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Thank you! It's odd, he's committed to me, but yet can't really talk about relationships, something about it makes him uncomfortable. He doesn't get irritated, more uncomfortable about it. You would think he'd be open after almost three years. I don't know. I guess I am gonna drop it and leave it alone. I don't know yet about FL, I may move, I'm not sure because Mike isn't really helping me out here. I do have at least a year or so to figure this out, though. I know in my hear the does love me, and that's all I know as of right now. I know that I have already accepted him for who he is, but I do hope he will come around eventually and surprise me one of these days. :) So, whatever happens, happens.

Thanks everyone, I have taken my time to read each of your posts, and I just had my own thinking session about it, and you know, you all have a point. I know how I feel, I know how he feels, everyone is different on how they are in their relationships. I appreciate it!

Koko made some great points.

Here's an example?

Can of soda?

Do you have to ask him to grab you one?

Or does he,
Grab you one when he goes to the fridge?
Get's a glass of ice, pops it open, pours it and places the straw in it?

IF he does it all, he might like you.;)

If he does a few of those things, he might like you.;)

If he grabs you a can and just hands it to you, then plops down next to you on the sofa, he might like you.;)

Us guys rely on the "Adjustable Levels of Love and Caring'. We do care, but we are so disconnected from our feelings at times we forget how to say things like, I.........I...............I luh.....................I.........luh............. ..


See, I can't even WRITE it!

As dumb as this sounds? Would you rather have an insincere "I.........Luh......." or little actions, time together or knowing looks passed between y'all?

For the record.

If you confront a person and ask them to explain why they cannot be more vocal about luh.....luhhhhhh......love.....you may force then to blurt it out with no meaning behind the wordage.

This was a GIANT problem in a relationship I had. We worked it out when I explained that if I didn't care or luh....luh........luh......love her. I'd be out
working another side of the street.

I think it worked. Is 13 years a long time?:confused::eek:;)

I'll say it again: we know when we're loved.

I don't think there's a doubt that he loves you. I personally couldn't be with someone who wouldn't hold my hand or tell me that he loves me. I'm very affectionate and like to have it reciprocated. I don't mind being friends or acquaintances with people that don't feel the same way, but not in really close relationships. It's just not in me to compromise to that extreme.

I believe that people have more than one soulmate in their lifetime. It's not always just about being in love with each other, timing has a lot to do with whether or not a relationship is right for you. If you're waiting for him to just surprise you one day, I hate to say that I think you'll be let down. If he doesn't see it as a problem worth working on (through counseling, men's church programs, self help training like www.discovery-training.com, etc), then he will more than likely never change that aspect of his behavior/personality.

It's a tough decision at any point in life, but you really have to decide if this part of the relationship is a deal breaker or not. For me, it would be, but I don't think I would have even gone a year without the words of affirmation or the affection that you're missing with him.

I know that I accept and even agree with some parts of my husband's personality or behavior that other women would consider completely unacceptable. It's just a matter of what works for you and him, right here right now. Not what might work later.

I think you are a great girl, and he sounds like a great guy! And, again, I don't doubt for a moment that he loves you. It doesn't really sound like you doubt it, either. I think you're just at a bit of a crossroads, trying to figure out if you and he are going to continue down the path together or separately.

I hope I haven't offended you, it's just my thoughts on this, based on what I've seen in Pet Talk over the last few years. Either way, I wish you both the best. :love:

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Originally Posted by Medusa

I'll say it again: we know when we're loved.

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Here's a soda and ice.;):D

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Originally Posted by CountryWolf07

We don't hold hands, etc. any like of the normal couples you'd see out there in public

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Normal?:confused: Ha ha! We've been married 33 years and my hubby's not a hand holder. I've probably heard 'I love you' a dozen times and said it a few more than that. He will sign 'love' on cards.
Rachel, I think the most important thing is what do YOU want and will you be happy with things the way they are. IMO, he will not change, at least, not much. I agree with Mary, you KNOW when you are loved. ;)

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Originally Posted by Medusa

We know when we're loved.

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Actions speak louder than words.

Some people, women included, just can't say those words.
Luckily, I grew up in an atmosphere where it was said constantly.
I occassionally tell my bff of 50+ years how much I love her and she'll reply "you too", or "yup* but her actions towards me all these years proves she does.

Those words mean a lot to me, but John and I don't often say it to each other and we've been together 7 years. I don't feel the need.

But I know you've mentioned this before. IMO, if Mike didn't love you, I doubt you'd still be together. You should tell him how you feel anyway. Just don't be pushy (you know what I mean). Didn't you say Mike was a Saggatarius? So is my bff. I think it's a coincidence, of course, but having dated a Sag for a while, years ago, ILU was never uttered.

Things I've learned in life is to follow my own heart instead of listening to what others feel. So he hasn't said "I love you" in words. Would you have stayed with him for 3 years if he didn't tell you in a million other ways? Its easy for your family to day its weird... they aren't with you every time you're together.

While reading your post, all I could think of was the movie "Ghost" where Patrick Swayze only said "ditto" when she told him that she loved him. He obviously loved her, he just couldn't say it.

Who's to say what is weird? I tell my husabnd I love him a hundred times a day.... many might think its weird to tell someone you love them so much. It just feels right to me. :)

Thanks to everyone who took the time to read my post(s) - I really appreciate it. I know how I feel about him, how he feels about me, it's just more than any words can say really. It's true, I'm at a crossroad right now and figuring things out on my own, but I gotta admit, I just know, the last three years, it's been worth it and still is worth it to be with someone like him. He is a wonderful guy, sure, some flaws I don't like that he has, but it's what makes him "him". He brought up something to remind me that he was always who he's been and I must've just "realized" it now instead of before. Go figure, but hey, it's change, I suppose. I was in college the last 2 years and now I am back at home and now I kind of "see" things now, more like how things are really like. I gotta say, it is tough sometimes when I hear a lot of people I know say, "Don't you want him to say these words? How do you really know?" or "I think that's weird, I don't understand how you can be with someone who is different, etc." I do ADMIT sometimes it does get me thinking too much. All I know is, I'd rather be with him than anybody else. We also got to talk about "the future", and that, we don't have to talk about it right now, but by sometimes next year, it will be talked about. So that's good for the both of us, it's all we can really do for now.

Ok, I guess last night we held hands, but hey. Not bad right? I told him that I like to hold hands and that I wouldn't do it with him because I knew he didn't like to do that, and he said "Ok, hey, I don't care, if you want to hold hands, then take my hand." - I think we have cleared up that part... hopefully. :) I guess it is all about timing.

Catnapper - The way we say good night to eachother/goodbye, we always say "Good night and adios!" - I think that's become more of our "I love you" instead of actually saying these words. It's my take on it.

Finnsmom - I agree. It's all about timing. When we met, where we are, it's the right timing for the both of us. :) I absolutely do not doubt him that he does love me. I know it, he just isn't good with words. He said he will try really hard to be open.

Anyways, I think from our talk we've had over the weekend has helped us see some things and I think it will be okay. I have faith in us, and that's all I can say. :)