Betrayed by a very close, personal friend...

I was scanning through the obits like I do every morning when I noticed my friend's mother had passed away on Monday. Bob, who I've known for over 30 years and have been close with and can tell anything to, lied to me about a very important matter. I feel very angry that he flat out lied to me. My friends mean a lot to me. They are there for me and have been for a long time. Including Bob. I signed the guestbook in the newspaper sending my condolences and he deleted it. He was afraid his fiance' (or so I THOUGHT) would see it. Ya see, she hates my guts because she thinks I'm after Bob. But it's not like that. We are just very close friends. I asked him flat out if he was married and he said no. Well, according to the obituary, he IS married!! :mad::mad:

I've never felt so beytrayed in my entire life. I re-entered the condolences in the guestbook. Then went to the gym and worked out till I hurt. I'm off to work and will not be answering any of his calls should HE call me.

Anyone care to comment?

Donna, I'm so sorry. :( Seems like many people disappoint you lately, and that is so sad, and hurtful (experienced betrayal myself several times in my life, and some of these wounds never fully heal, as it seems).

Well, you can only make guesses why he did not tell you about his marriage. Makes you wonder... :confused:
Maybe you should confront him, and ask him to explain why he was dishonest to you! Was he the one who has told you to get rid of your cats?

(((HUGS)))
Kirsten

Kirsten,

Anyone who deliberately lies to me is no longer my friend, plain and simple. I neither need nor want any explanation he has. I wouldn't believe him anyway. The trust is gone, sorry to say.:(

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I wouldn't believe him anyway. The trust is gone, sorry to say.

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I understand that very well. It's just that sometimes it helps to cope with the bad feelings when you at least understand why a person has acted that way...

It's five years ago that a close friend betrayed me, and it made me a bitter person in many ways. Sometimes I feel I would have better talked to her... :(

Kirsten

He was never a friend to begin with. Friends don't lie to friends, IMO.

Let me play the Devil's Advocate. If I am the fiance or, worse yet, the wife of Bob I might have a problem with your condolences in the guestbook after reading what you said she thinks of you already. Therefore, I think it might be understandable that Bob deleted it in order to avoid "words" at such a difficult time. Since you read the obit, which stated that he was married, and still left a message that also might make the "wife" think not so nice thoughts if you get my drift. I would definitely cross Bob off my list of friends, as deceit is not a trait that anyone likes to have in a friendship. Just move on and feel sorry for the wife as she is married to this guy.

P.S. I would also have not re-entered the condolence in the guest book. Since Bob's mom will not be reading it obviously, and only Bob, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to re-write it. His deletion spoke volumes.

I guess I don't see a huge difference between wife and fiance he is taken either way give the guy a break his mom died maybe he said wife in the obit since its soon to happen.

Pam,

No, he didn't delete it to avoid words at a difficult time. I know him only too well. He did it to save his own @$$.

I re-entered the condolences and it is in the book. What happens from then on is HIS problem, not mine. I was being sincere and still am. I have deleted his numbers from my phone. If she has a problem with it, let HIM deal with it, I'm done.

Just out of curiousity... was his mother ill for some time or was this sudden?

If it was something that they knew was going to happen soon perhaps him and his now wife decided to have a quickie wedding so his mom could be there.

Just an idea.

Sadly, people change. I am sorry you have lost a friend, Donna. But you have friends here, anyway!

If, at this very difficult time for him, he deleted the first post, I would never have re-posted anything. Whether it was to save his own butt, or not, his mother is dead, and he deserves compassion at this time. The rest can be figured out later.

I aqree with Johanna. I also don't see much of a difference between wife and fiance and because it was being printed, perhaps they decided to PUT wife or it could even be an error on the part of the newspaper, it has happened. It's easier to say "wife" than survived by her son and his fiance, so that would be my guess. I don't see why it's a personal affront to you because he chooses to call her his wife, or even if they DID get married quickly because his mother was ill like Sparks mentioned. That really doesn't have anything to do with you as a person, it has to do with his life, his wife, and his mother's death, which is a difficult time for someone. I wouldn't even say anything but you posted asking what people thought, so there it is.

I believe this is the same "friend" that suggested you down-size your cats. I am glad you have written him off as a friend. On a side note: Maybe the "wife" deleted your post in the obit? Either way, it doesn't matter.
As Karen stated, you've got plenty of other friends. It will hurt for a while, but I know you will (if you haven't already) get over it. (that sounds harsh, but it's not meant that way)

I just hate how some women do not trust their man enough for them to have female friends. I have lost many male friends because of their women. Now, Bruce has female friends and I am friends with them too. I trust Bruce and that is what it takes. Trust.

I hope your luck with friends starts getting better here soon, Donna. Sometimes your best friends are ones you've never actually met in person. :)

If it were me Donna, i would not be quite so quick to write him off, personally i would like an explanation and take it from there, however you have to go with your own feelings on this one,remember he is probably grieving right now,and you are certainly not a person without compassion, far from it

Think about it a bit longer before you make a hasty decision,if he really is not worth keeping as a friend, then yep kick him to the kerb, i guess i am saying valuate the friendship,pros and cons and take it from there.

Donna, assuming the issue here is whether he was married or not and he lied to you about it.....I thought the family was in charge of providing the facts for written matter in obits for the papers, etc.
In this case, as Vela said, they could have said anything and gotten it printed. If you two are just good friends, this hopefully won't end your friendship.

I think I would check into this before tossing him aside. Just my 2 cents.

I guess I am rather confused by this whole thing. First of all, having once been employed by a city newspaper typing obits among other things, the info usually comes from the funeral home handling the funeral from info the family gives them. There can easily be mistakes and miscommunication.

But most of all, if this person has been a close friend for 30 years, why would you immediately, without ever speaking to him about it, assume the very worst of him with no explanation, especially during a time when he is, I assume, grieving the loss of his mother? All deep friendships in my experience have some ups and downs, but if this person has been someone you could tell anything to and vice versa, why would you end the friendship immediately and so drastically without even talking over the issue with him and finding out the situation?

I have known plenty of people who were engaged to be married who started referring to themselves as husband/wife even before the actual wedding, especially if they are already living together. I just don't understand I guess what the big betrayal is here.

If you stand a man on his head naked, He can still do the Pinochio thing-the body part just changes.:confused:

RICHARD,

Thanks. I needed to laugh.

I appreciate all your comments and am not offended in the least.

Taz Zoe,

Yes, it's one and the same.

I always give people the benefit of the doubt. But he had a "wedding ring" on his left hand one day when I met him for lunch. I asked him if he was married and he said, "No, I wear it for my job" (he's a funeral director). He wears it for his job???? I could never call him at work cuz he was paranoid someone would see it someone other than Chris calling and squealing. I always had to beep him and he'd call me back. One time I went to his house (he cooked me dinner) while Chris was away on business. I noticed a wedding dress hanging in the bedroom door. I asked him about it. He had an answer for that too. He said he'd been bugging Chris to put the thing in the attic as it was an eyesore. Uh-huh.

He's got an answer for everything. I'm tired feeling like sloppy seconds. He's been a little distant the past few months, not calling me like he always used to.

I've given him his space.

I just want to say that I'm so SOOOO lucky to have such wonderful, caring friends here on PT. I don't know what I'd do without you guys. You're the best and I love you all.:love:

1.) I am truly sorry for the grief you are having. Really. I don't know what to tell you. Trust is indeed a fragile thing. When it is broken, it is hard to repair. The only real advice I can give is this, the same thing I tell everybody who is going through a rough patch. FIDO. (Eph It, Drive On.) *Translation - Learn from what happened and move on.*

If you dwell on it, he wins.

2.) I LOVE my wife more than anything. God has blessed me with the woman of my dreams. The point of this being that ther eis that ONE person for everybody. Be patient and you will find each other. (Tanya and I are a case in point...) If you force it, it may never happen.

Donna, are his eyes brown? Cause he sure is full of it! :p:D

All I can say is been there and done that (or had it happen, anyway), at one of the worst times of my life by someone I thought was a good friend. I'm sorry it happened but don't let him have that power over you.

Well from the sounds of it, for whatever reason, he wanted to keep some things a secret, I really don't know what his motives would be, but unfortunately sometimes those things happen in life. While it sucks a whole lot and you feel very hurt by it, the only thing you can do is move on. He sounds a bit sneaky honestly, if all that you said was true about the ring and dress. That's a bit strange on his part! It probably is best to just move on if he's being that sneaky about things. A guy like that is going to end up found out by everyone and it'll come back to bite him in the butt. Better to find out now before it causes you even more grief down the road I guess.

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Originally Posted by moosmom

RICHARD,
But he had a "wedding ring" on his left hand one day when I met him for lunch.

I could never call him at work cuz he was paranoid someone would see it someone other than Chris calling and squealing.

(he cooked me dinner) while Chris was away on business.

I noticed a wedding dress hanging in the bedroom door.

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4 big red flags! I don't think it would take Colombo to see through that. :p

Bob who??? Oh believe me, I've moved on. I have nothing more to say on the subject. The writing is on the wall. It's just sad that it ruined a truly wonderful friendship based on trust.

I'm a little angry at myself for being such a fool. But I'll get over it.

One last thing...he's been married since 2003. I found out through the town's bureau of vital statistics.

End of Story

I've been played for a fool and am NOT happy about it.

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Originally Posted by moosmom

I'm a little angry at myself for being such a fool. But I'll get over it.

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No need to be angry and you were not a fool. YOU were the open and honest one. Last time I checked, that is a good thing. :)

Nice people get burned all the time. It is sadly the way the world works. Think about it this way, you should be proud of the fact you are walking away with your head held high. HE is the one who should be angry and ashamed, not you.

Thanks Puckstop31. I needed that. I took tonight off from work and am going swimming to clear my mind and get some exercise.

Again, that you all for your advice and comments. It means alot to me. You all are TRUE friends.

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Originally Posted by Pam

4 big red flags! I don't think it would take Colombo to see through that. :p

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Oh, lolololololol.

With WHICH eye?;)

Hey Donna just be thankful you are not his wife, it is her i really feel sorry for don't you?

Anyhow glad you are not letting it get to you too much, at the gym do they have those punching bags, you could pretend it has his face on and go for it girl, lol.:)

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Originally Posted by carole

Hey Donna just be thankful you are not his wife, it is her i really feel sorry for don't you?

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I was just basically thinking the same thing. He wasn't just lying to you, he was lying to his wife as well. What a piece of crap he is. Seriously. You can only beep him, not call him. He had you over for dinner when was out of town. Ring on the finger for show.

Sadly, I'm betting there's lots more you AND his wife don't know, and others neither of you know about.

If the wife is smart, she'll be without a ring in the near future. Without trust, there is nothing.

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If the wife is smart, she'll be without a ring in the near future

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Are you kidding me??? He's loaded!!! (in more ways than one) I wouldn't let him go either!

My best friend says I should call her. But I told her that unlike HIM, I've got class. He will just never hear from me ever again.

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Originally Posted by moosmom

Are you kidding me??? He's loaded!!! (in more ways than one) I wouldn't let him go either!

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So, knowing he's a scumbag and a liar, and deceitful, and that he has lied to the both of you for years.... you wouldn't let him go?! Just because of money.


Aint no man (or woman) worth that. Ever.

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Originally Posted by jenn_librarian

So, knowing he's a scumbag and a liar, and deceitful, and that he has lied to the both of you for years.... you wouldn't let him go?! Just because of money.


Aint no man (or woman) worth that. Ever.

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Well, there's no accounting for taste. It's amazing what people will tolerate for $$$. You know what they say..Money talks..BS walks..

Donna, I think what happens, IMO, is that we want so badly to trust people because we're so trustworthy, that we can't imagine someone would be so deceitful. Been there too. Hindsight is wonderful. Live and Learn. Glad you're not looking back, my friend.

K9Karen,

Nope, stick a fork in me, I'm SOOOOOOO done with this jerk. It's just too bad that rather than be honest with me, he ruined a long friendship because of the lies and deceit.