Wwptd?

I heard from a reliable source that there was an instance of DV on my street, maybe 5 housed down. I don't know the people other than to say 'hello', and that they had a baby last summer. Apparently, the man beat his wife, and she was screaming "help me", "someone call 911", and some other things. Well, someone did call 911, and about 1 am, there were six cars at the house. The guy charged the officers, and was taken to jail.

The very next day, and prolly ten minutes after I was told, I saw his car come down the street, and he exited the car, and entered the home. I knew she and the baby were in there as I had just saw her come home shortly before this. I was out on the front porch, with Jonah, so I was able to observe it all. He did leave about 7-8 minutes later, with some clothes. I didn't hear anything sounding like fighting, but, I was concerned enough to walk down there and knock on the door. I knocked several times before she answered, and she was all puffy. I just told her I wasn't 'meddling', but, had seen her husband come home, and I just wanted to make sure she was okay. She thanked me, crying, and I didn't have any words to comfort her, other than if there was anything I could do, let me know. I told her my name, where I lived, and hoped things would get better. She was very nice, and I felt somewhat foolish, but, what if something had happened when he was there? Prolly not very likely, but, from what I had heard about the night before, she was pretty upset/screaming for help, etc.

*Should* I do any more? I am leaning towards not, as I don't want to 'get involved', but, then I think, "well, I offered, I don't want her to think what I said was meaningless". But, I am sure she has friends/family...right?

I think you did the right thing by checking on her. Maybe you could drop
by again sometime & just leave her your business card. Maybe just knowing
that someone close by cares what happens to her would help her feel less
alone.

I was thinking that, too, Liz. But, my business cards says I am a lawyer, and I don't want to make her think I am 'in it' for something. (I don't do DV stuff).

But, from a single mom standpoint, I wanted her to feel supported...<argh>. Do normal people stress over stuff like this? :o

I think the best thing you could do for her right now is maybe try to be a friend.... I know you hardly know her but perhaps send a little invitation to have her come over for some tea or something. Other than that what can you do. the police have been called and he seems to have left. But trying to establish a friendship might give her someone to open up to in case she doesn't have anyone else. or maybe drop by sometime and invite her out for a walk with the kids.

But at the same time you don't want to put your family at risk from this horrible man.

I wouldn't leave a business card because of the possibility that the abusive husband might find it. If he's crazy enough to charge a bunch of police officers (and why the heck was he released so soon after that?), then I wouldn't want him knowing my name.

But I also wouldn't assume that the abused wife has family and/or friends who might help. Abusers often succeed in cutting the abused spouse off from family and friends, or they prey on people who lack support systems to begin with.

She knows where to find you and that you're concerned about her, and that most likely means a lot to her right now. Maybe you could check on her from time to time?

I think you did the right thing - what is DV?

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Originally Posted by RedHedd

I think you did the right thing - what is DV?

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Domestic Violence.

CID- I imagine that the most he was charged with would be assault of a police officer- an M1, or probably DC, which could be an M4, and, once he was arraigned (which would have been the very next morning) and posted bond, he is out. I imagine she did not go get a TPO, so, he *could* come to the home (though, I thought about calling the police), but, it usually isn't advisable.

I am in agreement with the no business card, and will make a effort to see her out and about and say hello. Strange thing is, I don't think I have EVER seen her out and about without him. So, maybe he has been "exclusive" with his property. Ugh. :(

I think that having him come in ,get his stuff, and leave is a good thing for her part. And calling the police just to say he was there well not necessary. I am very glad you went over to check on her once he left.

I think just stop by to say hey, maybe invite her over for tea or what not. Say Jonah wants to see a baby as he doesn't remember being one? Something to make her smile at least.

Wouldn't leave a card, that is SO formal and being a lawyer, I don't think appropriate; could just scare her. She is probably in a turmoil right now; do I divorce him; do I let him back? do I go to counseling? do WE go to counseling? And having a lawyer leave a business card just may push her into the wrong decision.

And yes, anyone who lives in a neighborhood wonders where is the boundary with the neighbors - ALL the time!

Freedom- in case I was not clear- I did NOT call the police when I saw him appear yesterday, though I thought about it. Had I heard a word of violence, I would have. I did 'hang out' closer towards her house when I saw him go in, just in case.

If you were to give her any sort of number I would give her the number to the local women's shelter for advice and assistance. They can often help in ways the rest of us wouldn't understand. Even if she doesn't need an actual shelter over her head.

Otherwise you did perfect and often just knowing someone cares sometimes helps. But don't be surprised if she gets angry and defensive with you at some point. She I am sure still loves him. They always do.


Someone else mentioned she might be cut off from family. This is ABSOLUTELY often the case. Most abusers isolate. It gives them more control. The victim is also most vulnerable once the abuser realizes he/she is losing control.

Denyce

Johanna...I suppose the same as I would do with any other neighbor who was having a bad time of things...(except I might skip all the acronyms.... :D :D )

It is a shame many of us don't know our neighbors better. This might be an opportunity to get to know some of yours!

Yeah, maybe the business card could be misinterrupted. Just thought
if she knew your name or had a number to reach people if need be, she could.

You really don't have to involve yourself any further than holding out a
helping hand if she wants one.Know what I mean? :)

Kudos to you for going over there and being there for her. That's alot more than alot of DV victims get. In my opinion, you've done the best thing you can do for her already. She knows where you are and she knows she has a friend she can turn to.

I would have given anything years ago if someone would have done this much for me. You're my hero!! :)

I'd continue doing what you ae doing, just offering to be a friend. And no, she might not have friends and family around. Women in long-term DV situations often end up cutting ties with everyone who once loved them, trying to survive the relationship.

Johanna, you did good. Most people in your place would have said "Oh, that's terrible." when they heard the news, and that is as far as it would have went.

I agree that you should just try to be around if you see her out and about. You don't have to push a friendship, but let her know that you are there if she does want/need help. Many times, like others have mentioned, women in her situation are cut off from family and friends, or they might not want to let family and friends know what is really going on - the camelot syndrome. She might be much more likely to open up to a "stranger" and might be more likely to take an "outsiders" advice more than any other.

Also having the name, address and emergency phone number for the local battered women's shelter on hand would be extremely helpful.

I know this all puts you in a tough position because the last thing you want to do is bring danger on yourself and Jonah, but I think you're great for stepping up and trying to help - thanks. :)

Thank you so much for opening your heart to her and letting you know that she is not alone.

Yes, normal people with good hearts worry about this stuff. ...Just not as many are as brave to get involved.

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I don't think i could have survived high school with out the support from my neighbors.

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Hopefully your neighbor will take you up on your hospitality if the need ever arises.

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Originally Posted by Cataholic

I heard from a reliable source that there was an instance of DV on my street, maybe 5 housed down. I don't know the people other than to say 'hello', and that they had a baby last summer. Apparently, the man beat his wife, and she was screaming "help me", "someone call 911", and some other things. Well, someone did call 911, and about 1 am, there were six cars at the house. The guy charged the officers, and was taken to jail.

The very next day, and prolly ten minutes after I was told, I saw his car come down the street, and he exited the car, and entered the home. I knew she and the baby were in there as I had just saw her come home shortly before this. I was out on the front porch, with Jonah, so I was able to observe it all. He did leave about 7-8 minutes later, with some clothes. I didn't hear anything sounding like fighting, but, I was concerned enough to walk down there and knock on the door. I knocked several times before she answered, and she was all puffy. I just told her I wasn't 'meddling', but, had seen her husband come home, and I just wanted to make sure she was okay. She thanked me, crying, and I didn't have any words to comfort her, other than if there was anything I could do, let me know. I told her my name, where I lived, and hoped things would get better. She was very nice, and I felt somewhat foolish, but, what if something had happened when he was there? Prolly not very likely, but, from what I had heard about the night before, she was pretty upset/screaming for help, etc.

*Should* I do any more? I am leaning towards not, as I don't want to 'get involved', but, then I think, "well, I offered, I don't want her to think what I said was meaningless". But, I am sure she has friends/family...right?

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Originally Posted by sparks19

I think the best thing you could do for her right now is maybe try to be a friend.... I know you hardly know her but perhaps send a little invitation to have her come over for some tea or something. Other than that what can you do. the police have been called and he seems to have left. But trying to establish a friendship might give her someone to open up to in case she doesn't have anyone else. or maybe drop by sometime and invite her out for a walk with the kids.

But at the same time you don't want to put your family at risk from this horrible man.

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I agree about mabey taking a walk with the kids.... Or where someone else suggested take Jonah over and say he wants to see a baby because he doesn't remember being one.

I think that what you did was wonderful. I don't think you will ever know how much it must have meant to that woman - you probably offered her a lifeline that she never had. Can you just imagine what she is going through? It must be so comforting to know that a neighbor just a few doors away would help her if need be.

Men beating up women - aarrgghhh!

:) That was very kind of you to stop in & check on her. Since you are aware of the situation, you can at least keep an eye out for signs of trouble when you go by. I agree that abused women need support and may not get it from their families, so simple gestures of friendship probably mean more to her than you can imagine. You did good.

He has moved back into the house. <sigh>

I am naive enough to think this could maybe be the wake up call he needs, and smart enough to know one time is usually not the pattern presented.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Cataholic

He has moved back into the house. <sigh>

I am naive enough to think this could maybe be the wake up call he needs, and smart enough to know one time is usually not the pattern presented.

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Things could go downhill again anytime.I hope for her sake things work
out. Do you know if there are children involved?

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Originally Posted by lizbud

Things could go downhill again anytime.I hope for her sake things work
out. Do you know if there are children involved?

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yes there is a baby. Sounds like it might be an infant.

Oprah devoted her entire show today to the subject of Domestic Violence.
This woman was on to tell her story. Her husband had actually forced the
13 yr son to film the woman's beatings. They showed parts of the taping.
It showed the gritty truth of this woman & children's abuses. :( It was a
powerful show.

I remember that one or a very similar one on one of those 20/20 type shows last year. Horrible!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by lizbud

Oprah devoted her entire show today to the subject of Domestic Violence.
This woman was on to tell her story. Her husband had actually forced the
13 yr son to film the woman's beatings. They showed parts of the taping.
It showed the gritty truth of this woman & children's abuses. It was a
powerful show.

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Quote:

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Originally Posted by Cataholic

He has moved back into the house. <sigh>

I am naive enough to think this could maybe be the wake up call he needs, and smart enough to know one time is usually not the pattern presented.

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Ugh...

If I were in your shoes, I'd make sure she has my phone numbers.