Things are great, but.. ? [relationship question]

Things with Mike are going really great.. been together for almost three years in January.. but one thing - he hasn't been able to say the three words still - "I love you" and I've said it a couple times and all he can say back is, "I know".. should I at all be concerned? We just went on vacation for a couple days, and we had a good time. I know I want to hear those words, but sometimes I wonder once in a while if he really does or not. My family thinks it's strange that he hasn't said it yet, and seems like that their thinkings/influence is starting to grow on me this time around and I'm starting to get nervous over it, possibly over nothing. Oy. :rolleyes: He defends himself every time saying he does, but he just doesn't like to say things with words. I mean, it's been a long time, and I think I would at least deserve to know if he does or not. It would be nice to hear from a guy's perspective on here. Sorry if it's a pointless rant, but it's been on my mind tonight.

I am sure it would bother me too but it does seem like he is showing you he loves you in other ways, it may just be hard for him to say it.

Me and my husband would always say "i love you" at the end of a phone conversation, it was such a habit we would even say it when we didn't mean it at that moment and it became kind of a mumble:D So what I am saying is the words lost their meaning. Do you feel like he loves you when he looks at you?

We know when we're loved.

Ask him. That's all...if there's any insecurity, just ask him. Maybe it's just me, I'm a pretty direct kind of person, but that's what I'd do.

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Originally Posted by Pinot's Mom

Ask him. That's all...if there's any insecurity, just ask him. Maybe it's just me, I'm a pretty direct kind of person, but that's what I'd do.

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I agree with this 100%, Rachel. I know how you feel about it and it is time you talked to him and see what he says. I still think he's just not the kind of person to easily say it but three years have passed. You deserve to hear it from him. I hate to tell this story but.....my Mom and Dad were never real affectionate. Therefore, they never really said "I love you" to us very much. My kids became concerned one day, years later, and asked why I didn't say it to them. We got it all out and now, we all say it to each other, every time we talk or say goodbye temporarily. It's so much better.

Best wishes with this. I know it may not be easy but I think it's time to have that talk. {{{{{HUGS}}}}}

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Originally Posted by Pinot's Mom

Ask him. That's all...if there's any insecurity, just ask him. Maybe it's just me, I'm a pretty direct kind of person, but that's what I'd do.

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I agree.

The thing is, I have asked - He seems to be insecure about feelings & emotions but he said he does, he just doesn't like to say it, never has. He really defends himself on that issue - so I just leave him alone about it, because it seems like the more I try to encourage him to be open, he just stays closed. He grew up in that situation in a family where they never really say "I love you". So he asked me if I thought he didn't considering all of the things he's done for me and all the times he's been with me. He is really affectionate in other ways, not with words. He remembers all the little things, etc. Maybe I do have a problem with myself. :confused: Don't get me wrong, we both are happy with each other, we laugh a lot and really enjoy being around each other, and once in a while, that gets on my mind and causes me to think. Maybe it is one of his flaws that never came up until later on into the relationship. Nobody's perfect, right?

Does he send you cards on your birthday or Valentine's Day, that have a message of love? Maybe he just can't say it. If you've been together for 3 years, and he shows love in his actions, I think it would be pretty safe to say that he most likely does. However, I'm like you - I like to hear the words to go along with the actions. ;)
Maybe he's saving it for the day he proposes to you. :D

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Originally Posted by pomtzu

Does he send you cards on your birthday or Valentine's Day, that have a message of love? Maybe he just can't say it. If you've been together for 3 years, and he shows love in his actions, I think it would be pretty safe to say that he most likely does. However, I'm like you - I like to hear the words to go along with the actions. ;)
Maybe he's saving it for the day he proposes to you. :D

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No cards on Valentine's Day or flowers/gifts, anything like that really. Birthday cards, yes, but not with "love" on them, but just humorous cards, signs it with his name, that's all. I don't know, he's just a very different guy. We don't hold hands, etc. any like of the normal couples you'd see out there in public, but you know we are together, by how we act and walk together, etc. I honestly think he's afraid of a lot of things - especially when it comes to admitting/opening up on feelings/emotions. Just wish he'd realize it is OK to do that stuff. :)

:) I have had the same man in my life for 13 years now.. We dont say the words to each other.. However we know we love each other in our hearts.. Some people just cant say the words -but do love you.. Some people say the words & they dont mean it & that is worse.. You will know in your heart that your Mike loves you..

This could relate back to when he was a child.I could be 100% wrong too so please dont take this the wrong way.I have seen alot of my friends,even family,That there family never ever said those three words,And when you never hear them it could be hard to say "I Love You".I myself rarely ever heard it from my mother,I have never had a problem saying it but some might.I have seen alot over my years of this.Its not that he does not love you,I dont think any of us could be with someone we did not feel for.

Just observe a bit maybe and see how the interaction with his parents are,When you are not shown or have not heard the words in some cases it maybe hard to say them to someone else,Me and my mother had a a rocky relationship when i was growing up,Same from my grandfather he never said it But i knew he did just the way he was with me.I know these arnt examples from relationships with the opposite sex,But that could be his problem.


I have read your posts about him and you,There is no doubt in my mind that he does love you,You can see it!.But i also know how much it means to me when my husband tells me he loves me,Everything else just disapears.Talk to him,Tell him how your feeling,When you are with someone you should be able to talk to them about anything.Even if you or the spouse dont like what there hearing.

It would be a problem for me. Not because I do or don't feel loved, or the like. But, because it is, to me an indicator that there are problems in the area of emotional health, and these problems do not go away on their own.

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Originally Posted by Cataholic

It would be a problem for me. Not because I do or don't feel loved, or the like. But, because it is, to me an indicator that there are problems in the area of emotional health, and these problems do not go away on their own.

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I agree with you; it would be a problem with underlying issues that need to be resolved.

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Originally Posted by Pinot's Mom

I agree with you; it would be a problem with underlying issues that need to be resolved.

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How would I exactly go around with this problem, then? I've tried talking - it isn't easy for him to speak out how he feels and whatnot and I think it's time he needs to tell me, since I have a lot of change(s) coming up - family relocating within a year or two to Florida, and that's a lot on my mind to think about later on down the road. I just don't really understand him emotionally on HOW he is sometimes, and you know, he is a very different guy, it's as if he has no idea how to be in a relationship once in a while. :confused:

Hey Rachel, there was a book I read a while ago, and though its talking specifically about marriage relationships, I think it might apply in your situation. Its called 'The Five Love Languages', and basically the premise is that the best relationships happen when you can read each others 'Love Language'.

The five different languages are: Words of affirmation (what you are looking for), Quality Time, Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical touch.

So while you may be a person who's love language is words of affirmation, Mike could have a completely different love language. Does he desire to spend a lot of quality time with you? Does he bring you small gifts?

Just because he hasn't ever said the three little words out loud, he very well could be communicating to you through actions or touch or spending time with you.

For me, my love language is Words of Affirmation, but Mark's language is Acts of Service. I know that when Mark gets up and makes the bed, or brings me coffee, or opens a door for me, he is saying in his own way that he loves me. So to communicate, sometimes I have to jump over into mark's love language of choice to understand him, and sometimes he needs to jump over into mine.

I hope that helps, and that you can figure this all out. Relationships can be SO complicated sometimes! But no, I don't think that just because he hasn't said the 3 little words don't mean there are necessarily underlying problems in your relationship. Sometimes seeing a counselor can help you get things ironed out and on a better communicating level.

ETA: http://marriage.about.com/cs/communi...velanguage.htm This is a really great synopsis of the book.