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Q: Where does a snowman go on New Year's Eve?
A: To the snowball!
(groan)
I'm not the only nurse on Pet Talk... so this is for my PT health care buddies... and I'm sure those of you who have ever visited a family member in the hospital will also get a chuckle out of it. A former co-worker (who's also a nurse) sent this to me recently. Author unknown.
~~~~~
I assisted one of my elderly patients to the bathroom so she could
have a BM. I tell her that I'll let her sit for a while but as soon as
she's done, to please pull the call bell (and I showed her where it
was) so I could come and assist her back to bed. She agrees.
I go and complete some other tasks that need doing (isn't there
always?). After a while, I think to myself, 'She hasn't rung yet?!' I
go and check on her and she's still sitting on the toilet.
She goes, "Oh, I've been waiting and waiting for you! I'm done!"
I ask, "Why didn't you pull the call bell when you were done? I would
have been here sooner."
She looks at me, confused. "I did. Like this, right?" She then takes
the pull string and swings it so the little knob at the end hits the
metal rail on the wall, making a DING! noise.
I almost facepalmed.
Details, details! That's a cute one.
From failbook.org:
http://cheezfailbooking.files.wordpr...for-credit.jpg
Scene: American tourists in Great Britain
Tourist No. 1: Look at those white cows! I've never seen cows like that before.
Tourist No. 2: Maybe they are albino. Or, it could be a special English type of cow.
Guy sitting behind them: Those are sheep.
==from overheardeverywhere.com/RD May 2012, pg 97
An elderly lady was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening. She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names.'
The elderly lady hung her head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old a**hole what his name is.
A doctor walks into an exam room and finds his patient seated on the exam table, dressed in a gown, with a banana in his left ear, a carrot stuck like a pencil behind his right ear, and applesauce smeared all over his face. The patient has a distressed expression. "Doctor, can you tell what is wrong with me?" he asks anxiously.
"Sir, it's very simple," answers the doctor. "You are not eating properly."
Truism Puns
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger
Then it hit me.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison
was a small medium at large.
http://www.rottenecards.com/ecards/R...krvq9ntkc8.png
Five sit-ups a day...
Q: What is a pirate's favorite letter?
A: The C.
I just finished reading this whole thread, and did a lot of laughing :) Thanks everybody!
Now you need to tell a joke of your own!
"I went horseback riding on the weekend," Bill told his friend."How was it?" Sam asked.
"It started off well; my horse was wonderful. He was trotting kind of fast, but I didn't mind.""Great," said Sam.
"But then he started to gallop. I got nervous, and before I knew it, my saddle was tilting to the left. In no time I was hanging upside down and my head was bouncing off the ground."
"Good grief! How did you manage to get off without any broken bones or scratches?" asked Sam.
"Well, thank goodness the manager at the mall came and turned it off."
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Three brothers in Ireland used to frequent a local pub. Then one moved to America and another to Australia. The lone brother left still went to the pub, but now he ordered three beers, taking a sip from each in turn. The patrons watched him go through this ritual for some time before one of them asked why. "One's for my brother in America, one for my brother in Australia and one for me," he replied.
After this explanation, the fellow didn't show up at the pub for a month. Then he appeared again and ordered two beers. He drank from one, then the other. One of the patrons went over and extended his condolences for the man's bereavement. "What bereavement?" the chap asked.
"Well, the loss of one of your brothers," the patron said.
"My brothers are alive," the fellow corrected. He held up one glass. "This is for my brother in America." He held up the other. "This is for my brother in Australia. And I quit drinking."
Silly! :)
A little girl was an only child, and her daddy was at war. One day she approached her mother and said that she would like a little sibling. Her mother said that would be nice, but they would have to wait until her daddy got home. To which the little girl replied "We could surprise him!"
LOL! Wouldn't surprise me if some young kid DID say that!:D
I saw these on Twitter (#polarvortexsongs) and I can't stop laughing! Apparently this topic was suggested by Jimmy Fallon. You take a song and change the words slightly to make it fit the winter theme. So if you see me walking down the street, giggling helplessly to myself, you'll know I'm thinking about these and trying to stay warm!
A few examples ... Brrr'd lines (Blurred Lines - Robin Thicke)
Negative 867-5309
Can You Feel Your Face Tonight
Don't Go Taking My Scarf
Wake Me Up Before You Snowplow
We Didn't Salt the Sidewalk (We Didn't Start the Fire - Billy Joel)
It's Too Cold for That (No Igloo) [I Can't Go for That / No Can Do - Hall and Oates]
All You Need Is Glove
Hey, I just met you / And this is crazy / My ears are numb now / So thaw me maybe
Baby, It's $*&$ Cold Outside
From my neighbor's grandson, age 6...
Q: Where does the Easter bunny go for Easter brunch?
A: IHOP!
Wouldn't this be "a Pez dispenser / filled with Xanax / in my desk at work", though? Either way, it gave me a BIG laugh!
http://www.rottenecards.com/ecards/R...pryqzr3gbv.png
From a musician page I follow on facebook. B flat, G flat and E flat walk into a bar. The bar tender says: "I'm sorry; we don't serve minors here."
Yes, it should be. There are too many grammatically incorrect things like this going around Facebook!Quote:
Originally Posted by cassiesmom
I know I'm from Chicago because...
(These are new ones from the Chicago Architecture Foundation Web site.)
- You precede every past-tense verb with “had” and think every other verb should be a gerund. “He had been a stock broker and was wanting to live in Streeterville” instead of “He was a stock broker and wanted to live in Streeterville.”
- Your girlfriend describes every good thing as “amazing.” There are no other adjectives.
- You don’t bother looking up until there are at least three TV news helicopters circling overhead.
- If you see two or more military helicopters in the sky, you know traffic is about to be screwed up around The Loop, Hyde Park, or both.
- You listen to the news on AM radio even though the exact same program is available on an FM frequency.
- You’ve ever been late for work because of a drawbridge.
- You vocally refuse to go to chain restaurants, but freely tuck in to Al’s #1 Beef, Giordano’s pizza and Portillo’s hot dogs.
- You keep a few bucks in your pocket because even though credit cards have been around for nearly 100 years, none of the eateries on your block take plastic.
- It took you a while to realize that “Vote early, vote often” is a joke phrase, and not advice from the Cook County Clerk.
- When you see someone on the street arguing with himself, it’s usually crazy, not Bluetooth.
- You see a tragic gun massacre elsewhere in the country on the news and think to yourself, “That’s just a warm summer weekend in Chicago.”
- You went to the Billy Goat Tavern before Saturday Night Live.
- You still think Garfield Goose is the height of sophisticated humor.
- You breathed a sigh of relief when Rio got the Olympics.
- You’ve convinced yourself that limiting your thick-crust pizza to two toppings makes it a health food.
- You mentally heckle the geographical errors that inevitably show up in any movie or TV program set in Chicago.
http://www.funnysigns.net/files/dont...on-400x370.jpg
source: funnysigns.net
a little nurse humor...
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Did you hear about the dumb blonde who was asked to sign up for her company's 401(k)? She decided not to, because she didn't think she could run that far. :rolleyes:
"My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already." -- Dave Barry
A new "nurse" joke ... I have a friend who sends these to me every now and then.
The nurse was in her patient's room one day at the nursing home. He had been in a coma for over a year and they had tried numerous techniques to help him wake up. His family had brought a radio so music could be played for him. The nurse finished caring for the patient and turned on his radio to a pop station. As she left the room a Justin Bieber song was just starting to play. Moments later she heard a loud CRASH in the room and dashed back in. It was the patient! He was wide awake and fumbling for the radio dial, shouting: "Change the channel! Turn this off NOW!"
The nurse fainted.
It is getting to be that time again, and on cold days, I think of these!
That, and I had a high school music teacher who made a joke by substituting the word Lunch for Love in every song ...
What I did for Lunch
Lunch Story
and a current ...
Lunch Runs Out (One Republic)
Quote:
Originally Posted by cassiesmom
Oh, this could be fun ...Quote:
Originally Posted by Karen
Lunch, Reign O'er Me (The Who)
Lunch Will Keep Us Together (Captain and Tennille)
Lunch Potion Number Nine (??)
Lunch Shack (B-52's)
Karen, you got me started! (:D)
What would you call a lowlife nincompoop thief?
Silicon. :rolleyes:
Edge of Minus SeventeenQuote:
Originally Posted by cassiesmom
Q: What does a snowman wear on his head?
A: An icecap. :rolleyes:
Overheard in the music room yesterday at church as children's choir was getting started: Why did the football coach go to the bank? Because he wanted his quarter back. :rolleyes:
I want to know what lunch is ...Quote:
Originally Posted by Karen
To sir with lunch ...
Crazy little thing called lunch ... Karen, this is addicting!