Our PT joke thread

Barack Obama is on the campaign trail when his limo drives through a low income neighborhood in his hometown of Chicago.

As he travels down a block with run down homes along it, he spies a family of four sitting on the lawn, plucking blades of brown grass and eating them.

Barack yells at the driver to stop and go back to the lawn. Barack throws open the door and walks over to the family who stop eating and turn to the presidential candidate. "My goodness, what are you doing?", he asks.

"Eating grass", the father says, "I lost my job as a bank manager, my wife was laid off and my kids are starving!" THe mother tells BO that there is no food in their home and the only thing that will stop the children from crying with hunger is to eat the dried up lawn at the front of their home.

BO looks at his wife and says, "I cannot stand by and watch people struggle, I was a community organizer once and have always tried to look out for the welfare of the community and the people in it. I can't stand by and watch people starve!"

He turns to the family and tell them to get into the limo, "I won't let you starve by eating that brown dried grass! I am taking you home so you can eat there!"

The family surround BO and shower him with hugs and kisses. As the family gets into the car, the father hangs back to thank BO. THe man begins to cry and mutter his thanks-BO puts an arm around him and the man stops and asks, "You are the greatest man on the planet, You are kind. thoughtful and generous-I cannot believe you are taking us home to have a meal there..."

BO sheepishly smiles and says to the man, "Sir, you do not have to thank me, The pleasure is mine and no one has mowed my lawn for a few months."

Oh, this is just TERRIBLE! (I probably should post in Dog General)

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My friend's Dog, Minton, just swallowed a shuttlecock!
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Bad Minton!

:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Freedom

Oh, this is just TERRIBLE! (I probably should post in Dog General)

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My friend's Dog, Minton, just swallowed a shuttlecock!
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Bad Minton!

:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

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THAT was funny, I love the bad ones!

I saw this on another animal forum. Here goes:

12. But it SMELLS like food.

11. The cat did it.

10. What say we all drive down to Dairy Queen?

9. Explain this 'heat' thing again.

8. Mind if I sit there?

7. You gonna eat ALL of that?

6. I don't smell anything.

5. Could I see the menu?

4. FETCH THIS!

3. Next time, I pick the bitch!

2. This isn't a mess, it's ambiance!

And THE number one thing your dog would say:

1. You are going to cut off my WHAT?!?

lol, I like the bad minton one :p

Hehe. I just read this whole thing, you guys are great. :D

My pastor used this in his homily this morning...

Boxer Muhammad Ali was traveling on an airplane. While the aircraft was pushed back, the flight attendant asked him to buckle his seatbelt.

The champ refused, saying, "Superman don't need no seatbelt!"

Without missing a beat, the savvy flight attendant replied, "Superman doesn't need an airplane, either!"

The boxer buckled up without another word.

"The Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it's getting worse.

Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a song.

Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal."

(I apologize in advance if this offends anyone. I love play-on-words stories like this.)

Never Argue with a Woman


One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside
cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up,
And begins to read her book.

The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment.
I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.


MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers.

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Red.......................Cherry
Yellow..................Lemon
Green...................Lime
Orange................Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.

'Well,' she said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God!! They're a**-holes!

Why couldn't the teenage pirate go to the movie with his friends?
Because it was Arrrrh-rated

I played at my brother's church today (he's the choir director at his church and needed a flutist today). Between the services, the little daughter of one of the ladies in the choir told this joke.

Q: How does a tree get on the Internet?
A: Log in.

1.

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************** **********************
2.
My wife walked into the den & asked "What's on the TV?" I replied "Dust".

And that's how the fight sta rted.....

************************************************** **********************
3.
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,

'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's near perfect.'

And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************** **********************
4.
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes

from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds. I bought her a scale.

And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************** **********************
5.
I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.

So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's when the fight started....

************************************************** **********************
6.
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'

So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started....

************************************************** *********************
7.
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive. So, I took her to a gas station.

And that's when the fight started.....

************************************************** **********************
8.
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's when the fight started.....

************************************************** **********************
9.
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many =0 Ayears ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And that's when the fight started.....

************************************************** ************
10.
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it. He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And that's when the fight started.....

************************************************** **********************
11.
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight started......

http://www.catsizeentertainment.com/img/FCPspy.jpg

http://i215.photobucket.com/albums/c...encil-neck.jpg

http://i215.photobucket.com/albums/c...ng-cat-005.jpg

http://i215.photobucket.com/albums/c...t-engineer.jpg

Are You Lonesome Tonight? AARP version

Are you lonesome tonight?
Does your tummy feel tight?
Did you bring your mylanta and tums?

Does your memory stray,
To that bright sunny day,
When you had all your teeth and your gums?

Is your hairline receding?
Your eyes growing dim?
Hysterectomy for her,
And its prostate for him.

Does your back give you pain?
Do your knees predict rain?
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

Is your blood pressure up?
Good cholesterol down?
Are you eating your low fat cuisine?

All that oat bran and fruit,
Metamucil to boot.
Helps you run like
A well oiled machine.

If it's football or baseball,
He sure knows the score.
Yes, he knows where it's at
But forgets what it's for.

So your gallbladder's gone,
But your gout lingers on,
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

When you're hungry, he's not,
When you're cold, he is hot,
Then you start that old thermostat war.

When you turn out the light,
He goes left and you go right,
Then you get his great symphonic snore.

He was once so romantic,
So witty and smart;
How did he turn out to be such
A cranky old fart?

So don't take any bets,
It's as good as it gets,
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception. Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

The Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington!!!

Guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini." The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "168". The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology. The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar.

The robot bartender says,"What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini". Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says, "Whets your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere tractors. The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time.

He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini", and the r obot brings him another great martini. The robot then says, "Whets your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh, about 50." The robot leans in real close and says, "So, you people still happy you voted for Obama?

Three New Navy Ships
USS REAGAN

http://webmail.aol.com/28563/aol-1/e...wMail&partId=4

Seeing it next to the Arizona Memorial really puts its size into perspective.. ENORMOUS!

When the Bridge pipes 'Man the Rail' there is a lot of rail to man on this monster:

Shoulder to shoulder, around 4.5 acres. Her displacement is about 100,000 tons with full complement.

Capability
Top speed exceeds 30 knots, powered by two nuclear reactors that can operate for more than 20 years without refueling.

1. Expected to operate in the fleet for about 50 years
2. Carries over 80 combat aircraft
3. Three arresting cables can stop a 28-ton aircraft going 150 miles per hour in less than 400 feet.

Size
1. Towers 20 stories above the waterline
2. 1092 feet long; nearly as long as the Empire State Building is tall
3. Flight deck covers 4.5 acres
4. 4 bronze propellers, each 21 feet across, weighing 66,200 pounds
5. 2 rudders, each 29 by 22 feet and weighing 50 tons
6. 4 high speed aircraft elevators, each over 4,000 square feet
Capacity
1. Home to about 6,000 Navy personnel
2. Carries enough food and supplies to operate for 90 days
3. 8,150 meals served daily;
4. Distillation plants provide 400,000 gallons of fresh water from sea water daily, enough for 2,000 homes
5. Nearly 30,000 light fixtures and 1,325 miles of cable and wiring 1,400 telephones
6. 14,000 pillowcases and 28,000 sheets
7. Costs the Navy approximately $250,000 per day for pier side operation
8. Costs the Navy approximately $25 million per day for underway operations (Sailor's salaries included).



USS BILL CLINTON
The USS William Jefferson Clinton (CVS1) set sail today from its home port of Vancouver , BC.

http://webmail.aol.com/28563/aol-1/e...wMail&partId=5

The ship is the first of its kind in the Navy and is a standing legacy to President Bill Clinton "for his foresight in military budget cuts and his conduct while holding the (formerly dignified) office of President."
The ship is constructed nearly entirely from recycled aluminum and is completely solar powered with a top speed of 5 knots.
It boasts an arsenal comprised of one (unarmed) F14 Tom Cat or one (unarmed) F18 Hornet aircraft which, although they cannot be launched on the 100 foot flight deck, form a very menacing presence.
As a standing order there are no firearms allowed on board..


This crew, like the crew aboard the USS Jimmy Carter, is specially trained to avoid conflicts and appease any and all enemies of the United States at all costs.
An onboard Type One DNC Universal Translator can send out messages of apology in any language to anyone who may find America offensive. The number of apologies are limitless and though some may seem hollow and disingenuous, the Navy advises all apologies will sound very sincere.
In times of conflict, the USS Clinton has orders to seek refuge in Canada .



USS BARACK OBAMA

http://webmail.aol.com/28563/aol-1/e...wMail&partId=6


Defense: "water pistols"

The Invisible Man married The Invisible Woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

in honor of Thanksgiving...

a dumb blonde preparing to host her first Thanksgiving calls the turkey hotline for some guidance.

"Turkey hotline, may I help you?"

The blonde asks, "Can you tell me how long it should take to roast a 14-pound turkey?"

"Just a minute," the hotline operator says, flipping through her reference guide to the appropriate page.

"Great! Thanks!" answers the blonde, and hangs up the phone.

Go Git-Cha Momma

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a
mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son were
strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that
could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "Paw, what's at?"

The father (never having seen an elevator ) responded, "Son, I dunno. I

ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no
idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old
lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a
button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a
small
room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small
circular number above the walls light up sequentially. They continued
to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to
light in the reverse order . Then the walls opened up again and a
gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year -old blonde woman stepped out.

The father , not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his
son, "Boy.........go git cha Momma..............."

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she was finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen Elizabeth writes him a check. Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he was finished the devil informed him that there would be no charge for the call and feel free to call the USA anytime.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA free. The devil replied, "Since Obama became president of the USA , the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

What's stuffed with cheese, covered in sauce, and only comes out during a full moon?

Wolfmanicotti.

At Penn State University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry and
all of them had an 'A' so far. These four friends were so confident that,
the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big
party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept
all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Penn State until early Monday
morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they
would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they
visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they
missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next
day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the
exam.

The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a
test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool,
they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be
easy... then they turned the page. On the second page was written...

For 95 points: Which tire? _________




If you have nothing smart to say, don't say anything...

Q: Why does Santa Claus have three gardens?
A: So he can ho, ho, ho! :rolleyes:

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over
to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened
the trunk.

I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of
my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so life like you wouldn't
believe it! They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to the
approaching drivers.

To my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men,
which made it safer for me to work at the side of the road. And of
course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their horns
and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up
behind me.

He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me. I could tell he
was not a happy camper!

'What's going on here? '

'My car has a flat tire', I said calmly.

'Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?'

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him,

'Helloooooo, Those are my emergency flashers!'

Hey , where is the photo that goes with the joke? I,ve seen it before.
very funny.:)

A guy is 72 years old and loves to fish.


He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,

“Pick me up..”

He looked around and couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,

“Pick me up..”

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, “Are you talking to me?”

The frog said, “Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me
and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.

I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous
because I will be your bride!”

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked
it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.

The frog said, “What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?
I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.”

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

“Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.”


****With age comes wisdom *****:D

Had the last rehearsal this evening for the children's Christmas program tomorrow afternoon. One of the kids told us this Christmas joke. (He's 7... get ready :rolleyes:)

Knock knock, who's there?
Harold, Harold who?
Hark, the Harold angels sing...

(groan)

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled down the stairs.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted: the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."

THE FUNERAL PROCESSION

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning
coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession
approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men
walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully
approached the man walking the dog & said, "I am so sorry
for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you,
but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked & killed her"

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help
my wife when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed
between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."

I was walking past a mental hospital the other day. All the patients were shouting, '13....13....13.'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.....

Somebody poked me in the eye with a stick!


Then they all started shouting '14.... 14....14'...

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why, of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of course," says the second.

Curious, the first asks: "Where in Ireland?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it, Me too! Lets have another round of drinks to Dublin."

"Of course"

The second man can't help himself so he asks, "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's", replies the first man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is becoming unbelievable!!!" They say in union.

About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

"What's up?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replied the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again!"

:D Yup Wom I can see you have returned.. Good Jokes.. Keep them coming..:p

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio , Texas leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... Never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... But... I've always wanted to."


There are two lessons for us all here:


Don't waste ammunition.

Don't mess with old people.

Here are some Hilarious Jokes.... Hope you like them! :p


What four letters would scare off a burgaler? O I C U (Oh I see you)
Knock Knock. Who's there? Snot. Snot who? SNOT polite to say snot
Why did the tomato blush? Because he saw the sallad DRESSING!
Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other SLIDE!
Why did the cow cross the road? Because the chicken was having a DAY OFF
Kock Knock. Who is there? Wet. Wet who? WET me in it's raining!

:p:p:p:p
OK i'm sooooooooooooooo silly

:p Good Wom.. Now you forgot to say Lesson #3 Is Also Dont Mess With Texans.. :D

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by wombat2u2004

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio , Texas leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... Never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... But... I've always wanted to."


There are two lessons for us all here:


Don't waste ammunition.

Don't mess with old people.

---

Knock Knock. who's there ? Amos. Amos who ? A mosquito.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Smarties

Here are some Hilarious Jokes.... Hope you like them! :p


What four letters would scare off a burgaler? O I C U (Oh I see you)
Knock Knock. Who's there? Snot. Snot who? SNOT polite to say snot
Why did the tomato blush? Because he saw the sallad DRESSING!
Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other SLIDE!
Why did the cow cross the road? Because the chicken was having a DAY OFF
Kock Knock. Who is there? Wet. Wet who? WET me in it's raining!

:p:p:p:p
OK i'm sooooooooooooooo silly

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Quote:

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Originally Posted by lvpets2002

:p Good Wom.. Now you forgot to say Lesson #3 Is Also Dont Mess With Texans.. :D

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You heard the one about the Texan tourist who went to Australia for a holiday ????
He was on a bus trip in the outback with a bunch of Aussies.

All of a sudden, they passed a herd of cattle.
Texan: "What are those things ????"
Aussie: "Oh, they are probably Herefords or some kind of beef cattle."
Texan: "Yer kiddin.....we got longhorns in Texas twice the size of those."

The bus drives on further.
All of a sudden, they passed a herd of sheep.
Texan: "What on Gods earth are they ???"
Aussie: "Sheep, they are our prime wool sheep."
Texan: "You gotta be jokin pardner, we've sheep in Texas that make your sheep look like dwarfs."

The bus drives on further.
All of a sudden, a kangaroo bounds past the bus.
Texan: "Doggone, what in hell was that ??"
Aussie: Probably just one of our field mice."