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Sad but true. He honestly thinks he IS protecting all of us. He is so lost... he basically walks around in a funk wondering where he went wrong raising his kids. I swear he needs the meds too, but he refuses. He says "get over it" :rolleyes:Quote:
Originally Posted by jenn_librarian
I think she had depression thats been untreated for years, but I think post partum is making it worse.Quote:
Originally Posted by caseysmom
You have no idea how long I've said she needs help. I could tell immediately that she needed help but nobody else thought so.... well except his sister who suffers from bi-polar disorder. She has been the only one who agreed with me about everything from the beginning.
I really do feel for the girl. But I also want to strangle her at the same time. I'm hoping meds and therapy will turn her around. I've said since we were first married that she'd be the weak point in our relationship. My exact words were "she'll be the death of me"
I hope they help I have taken my daughter to two counselers and she acts all normal when we go so nothing is ever done.
Kim,
First, this is your home, your life...so I'll support you in whatever you feel is right.
Second, I don't know if you know who Dr. Laura is...but she sounds a lot like the "Meanest Mom in the World" ad. She is very, very, very ethical and is a no nonsence type of woman. She has a radio show and is a pyschologist. One day a man called in to say that his step-son had gotten voilent with his wife, the boys mother. This boy was around 15 or 16 and seemed to have no other father figure until this step dad came along...so he obviously had some issues. Anyway, Dr. Laura had some EXCELLENT advice in my opinion.
She said to go on living as though this kid DOES NOT EXIST. The entire parental unit MUST do this. You do not make food, do laundry, look at, touch, smell, go near...even WALK OVER this kid...or address this kid AT ALL. 100% of the time as far as you and hubby are concerned, she does NOT EXIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This will show your horribly misbehaved, ungrateful 'child' that unless she treats everyone in the family with the respect and care they deserve, she is DEAD to you all. I know it sounds harsh, but if you think about it, its a WONDERFUL idea. You'll have to let her cry, kick, scream, complain, yell, etc. The ONLY time you'll entervene is if she's voilent and she tries to hurt others. Then you would make sure that victim is safe and call 911. Be factual, honest and don't get emotional. Don't give ANY attention to this "child" whatsoever, for ANY reason. She can figure out how to feed and cloth herself. If you all as a family go ANYWHERE, she doesn't get included, she is INVISIBLE....she does NOT EXIST.
I trust Dr. Laura 150%....more than that even when it comes to advice on how to raise children because she ALWAYS has their interests at the very top of her heart.
The only problem I see you facing is having hubby comply. But...if he's good at ignoring the bad, he can ignore ALL of his child. Tell him it'll help her...maybe that'll work??? I don't know the entire situation, we all don't, so I can only hope and pray this would work. Its kind of what you do now as far as talking to her...just kick it up to the extreme.
Hugs, Love and Support,
Kelly :)
Re: the tactic I wrote about in my above post....
I've also seen this done on 'Super Nanny' and 'Nanny 911' and it WORKS beautifully!!! If she's going to act like a 2-year old behaviorlly, treat her like one - like she doesn't exist.
Acknowledging her behavior is buying into it.
Kim, I'm just now seeing this but while I was reading about what has happened in your house and how she has been acting I was thinking to myself either she is on drugs or she needs some phychological help. I see you said she has been suffering from deperession and that a family member is bi-polar. Could she be bi-polar? I don't know a whole lot about it but from what I do know it sounds like the outburst/rage could be that.
I am happy to hear she has made an appointment, she obviously know's she needs help and that is the first step in the right direction,until she ask's for help there is little one can do,if depression is behind a lot of it,then i sincerely hope she has a good counsellor who will deal with it appropriately.
Are you sure it is all depression though,could some of it be just bad behaviour, i guess time will tell, if she is given meds and help and improves drastically you will know that for sure, i wish you all the luck in the world, and hope things get better in your household and fast, HUGS.
I honestly do feel its bi-polar. She has always been great for 6 months or so, then sunk low to bad behavior for 6 months, then back up. Textbook bi-polar. We are apparently in a low point. I was SO PROUD of her last year, up til June. Then in July, it all turned around really bad.
The funny thing is I HAVE been acting like she doesn't exist. Been doing that for the past 9-10 months. I gave up on that one Christmas Day after the fight because it was not working at all. She LIKED that I acted like she didn't exist because she did whatever she wanted without anyone telling her that she was making a mistake. She COULD stay out til 4:00 in the morning without someone coming down on her asking her what she was doing til 4:00 and telling her 4:00 is waaaayyyy too late to be rolling home. She came home at 4:00 last night. Hubby called her and asked her what she was doing out and to get her butt home. It took another 45 minutes before she got home.
He'll mention her late nights again this afternoon and she'll ignore him like she always does. Then she'll pop some caffeine to work a double today at work because she's running on 3 hours sleep. Then she'll go out after work with friends and roll home around 4:00 again tonight. Up again after 3 hours sleep tomorrow. More caffeine to get through work. And the cycle continues until she ends up in the hospital again. She learned nothing from her scary hospital stay a few months ago.
Kim,
I do hope she gets the helps she needs to get through this. This family needs a little peace and harmony. I just hope she follows through with the appointments and meds and tells the doctor EVERYTHING, or it'll all be for naught. He can't help her if she isn't totally honest with her doctor.
You're in my prayers everynight girl. (((((HUGS))))))
Donna
Hi Catnapper. I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. It sounds like you are a very strong person though so somehow, someway, you're going to make it through this.
I read all of your posts and it sounds so frustrating that your husband isn't helping to correct this situation. I thought I'd recommend a book that my brother read (he's 44) and he said this book has changed his life. It's called WILD AT HEART and is written by John Eldredge. I have not read it yet but I intend to read it in a few weeks. But it's basically about showing men how to be good fathers, sons, friends etc.. and how to be strong and firm but loving. I signed a copy of this book out from the library for my husband and he is reading it right now. Every time he puts the book down he says to me "ya, this book is pretty incredible". He and my brother say that the book helps men realize why they do the things they do because of how they were raised etc.. and how it goes back to how their father were raised and so on. It helps them see how the pattern has developed over time so they can stop it and become the best man possible here and now.
Anyway, it just occured to me that if your hubby was up for reading it, he might get something from it and make the decision himself to change rather than changing because others are telling him to. I know my hubby HATES being told what he should be doing, even if what I'm saying makes all the sense in the world!!! But if I can somehow get him to come up with the idea himself, or at least let him think he is...LOL then he is so much more willing to change or do whatever needs doing.
Below is a link to an Amazon site that has a link with over 300 reviews by people (mostly men) who have read the book.
Take care. I'm praying for you and your family that peace will be yours in the very near future. :)
link about Wild at Heart book
*hugs* Kim. You've been given some good advice.
There is no violence in my situation, however it is a situation I can't control which causes me to have nervous breakdowns.
My therapist recommended Co-Dependents Anonymous. http://www.coda.org/
I'm pretty much at the point where I have to make a choice too. Leave or stick with it.
Good luck hon. I hope it all works out for you. *hugs*
Seems like some of the problem is that there are no *rules of the house* nor consequences for the unacceptable actions. Yes, these are all adults living here, but who is paying the bills? If you and hubby are helping to support these adult children and they are living in your house, you two have the right to set certain expectations of behavior while they live under your roof...and that includes a curfew. If they don't like the rules, they need to choose to live elsewhere. It seems as if there is a bit of enabling going on, albeit unintentional. The tactics employed by hubby and you have not been successful. Time to seek some help from a professional to try a new plan of action. It is not good for the little child in this household to live in such a volitale situation.
Kim, you know that we have talked quite a bit about this situation and our common problems with our "adult" girls. :rolleyes: I agree that you all need to kick her out and call the police if she ever gets violent with any of you again! Also, you know that I know how HARD it is to practice the tough love thing with your child ... so I'm not the best one to give that advice, though I know it is what is best!
My Amy Beth just moved out again, into a rental house that I found for her. She would have sat on her butt for weeks here if I didn't make sure she got a place to stay. Anyway, this house is shared with 2 other roommates and she only has to pay $235 per month and 1/3 of the utilities. There is no way she could find anything less, because I looked and I know!!!
Anyway, she did start going to our Guidance Center again and working with a case manager. The Guidance Center actually PAID for her 1st month's rent and her $200 depositi! In return, she is supposed to keep coming to her counselling sessions and take her FREE meds. ALL OF THIS SERVICE IS FREE to her and they will get her back on TennCare (FREE insurance). So ALL she has to do is take it all and keep doing so. Will she do it? I have my doubts, because she has stopped going to meetings before, quit her meds and gotten kicked off the insurance! :mad: Amy Beth is definitely bi-polar (as am I) and she simply MUST stay on her medication. The doctor has started her on meds for the BP and will soon add one in for her ADHD as well. Everything is lined up to go very well for Amy Beth, but it is still up to HER to take the help and use it for what it is intended!!! THAT is the problem ... will she do it THIS time?
Your daughter simply MUST get a correct diagnosis and get started on medications for it! You've got to convince her that her life will be so much better and she will feel so much happier and productive if she gets the right meds! It might take some testing and tweaking to find the right doses and combinations, but in the end it is SOOOOOOOO worth it!
I pray that she will go to her appointment that you have scheduled for her, Kim! Please remember that I am here for you as always!
((((HUGS))))
Kim
If Bipolar is in the family and she is acting like this, it is a sure bet she has it too. To bad hubby didn't want to reconize this and have all of you go through all this. I tell you one thing, I would let her know if she refuses treatment, she is 18 and can and will be thrown out of the house.. That sounds harsh but before she gets on the meds and gets the benifits from it, she is still going to act out. I am sure she thinks there is nothing wrong with how she is acting, that it is the rest of the world that has a problem, not her!
I recently worked with a guy who is bipolar and on the meds and he said he can not believe what his family went through because of him and he is SO ashamed of himself for how he treated them then.
If she does get violent again there is always the possibility of having her committed for evaluation involunatarily...you would have to check with a lawyer to see what the requirements are in PA.
I don't know whats going on anymore. I do know hubby is at the end of his rope. I just spoke with him.... him sounding like a whipped puppy, me in near tears because we (the "grown child" and I) had another fight this afternoon. I had the immense nerve to tell her to get up off the sofa and go look for a full-time job like she promised her dad she would.... she quit school and the deal was that she work full-time in a different place than where she's currently working. Shame on me for making her dis-entangle herself from the boy-du-jour and do something other than wrap herself around a random guy who will be replaced next week. I didn't scream, I didn't accuse. I simply and calmly told her that she needed to get up and do something other than lounge around all day.
I left the house to run errands and hubby called me asking what I said to her... apparently she called him tried to tell him I blasted her. I was too mad at the time to really talk so I waited to talk with him a few hours later, which we just did. I was holding back tears. All I'm trying to do is HELP HER. He said we'll all sit down tonight (by the time I get home from work it'll be a week from now) and talk that this is getting ridiculous (YA THINK!?!?! :eek: )
I CAN NOT WAIT til her doctor's appointment. All I can do is pray she's honest with the doctor and that she gets the right meds first time out of the gate. Heck, I'm ready to grind up a few of my Zoloft pills into her Vitamin Water just to get the ball rolling. (yeah, I know I can't do that... still fun to dream about it :p) I seriously hope she gets it right and like Laura's friend, realize just what she put us through while she was unstable.
What gets me is I am her #1 enemy.... and I am the very one person in this house who all along has been trying to keep her safe. I've been the one who's been here for everything for her. I was the one who sat by her bedside in the hospital. I'm the one who took her to numerous doctor appointments. I'm the one who did all of the crappy jobs nobody else was willing to do for her. and what do I get as repayment? All her pent-up anger and resentment. This stinks :(
You poor thing, i am so sorry to hear you are the one getting it in the neck, when you are the one who has been there for her 100 percent, maybe when she is well again she may well see just how good you have been to her, don't give up hope, i can only wish for you that once she has seen the doctor, got some required meds, that things will improve and she will do a complete turn around, my heart goes out to you, HUGS.
Kim,
My heart breaks for you and I want to tell you THANK YOU for your love and concern for this child/adult. I never recieved this type of love, concern, support, gut-wrenching emotional investment, from my step-mother....even my own mother and I'm a GOOD GIRL!! ;) My "father's" wife (ugh, ick, eeek!) is by far one of the most hateful people on this planet, I don't freely talk meanly about people, but this "person", I do. (I pray for her nightly, that God will change her, make her nice, calm and happy.) She is satan-spawn and couldn't care less about me or my brother. If I died tomorrow, she'd rejoice!!!
Seeing all that you've been put through is just so hard for me. It makes my heart physically hurt and LES is utterly uncontrollable.
Kim, for this ungrateful girl, I thank you, for all the step-children that have step-MONSTERS that do not care whether we lived or died. You've always treated ALL your step-kids as though they were your flesh and blood. You aren't harsh, you aren't mean, you don't give up - even with all that they've put you through. And Kim? You're so very strong.
Lots of people would just up and leave. You've seen that these children NEED you. For thier very survival and for their futures, you are ESSENTIAL. For you to have to put up with the treatment you have, and STILL care...Kim, you are amazing.
ANY person would be so blessed and lucky to have you as their parent, step or biologically. And I am honored to know you. This all comes from my heart as I've been so deeply hurt by the actions (and lack there of) of my own parents, step and bio, that this stuff is very much a sore spot for me. (Not just the recent "drama", I've dealt with very serious parental drama since I was 5 years old. I was practically raised in the "Family Courts" building!) Something I've fought and fought to get over with the help of therapy, God and a wonderful support system in people that AREN'T my parents. I don't share about 90% of what my parents actions (or lack of) have done to my brother and I...but to say we've been abused, neglected, etc. is 100% accurate. I'm telling you this so that you know where I'm coming from and WHY I see all the GOOD you do, all the LOVE you show regardless of the attitude you recieve. Ignoring is love, Kim...don't feel bad about that.
OK, I'll get off my little soap box now. I hope my words have helped you, Kim.
Love,
Kelly xoxoxoxo
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Kim)))))))))))))) ))))))))))))))))))))))
Just a real quick update.....
She's gone. Left this morning. Refuses to tell us WHERE she's going. Took Cam.
Yesterday I made a phone call which resulted in someone calling Social Services. Lets see if something happens there. Hubby is calling Social Services Tuesday.
Will give more detail later - I can;t say much right now.
edited to add- this is my mistake and not correct, i confused 2 PT-ers.- :o dear kim, hugs for you, and prayers for cams' protection. does she have legal custody of cam? due to her legal problems, i seem to recall the other grandmother had legal custody: if so has an amber alert been filed? i am so sorry she has done this to him. joyce
OMG... she took Cam with her..... :eek:
I'm so sorry you and your hubby are being put through all of this. :(
I pray for you all and for Cam's safe return.
{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}
When they find your daughter - and they will, and Cam too - she will be dragged in for an assessment SO fast her head will spin!
I am sure you have ideas where she MIGHT go - to her old boyfriend?
If she wasn't in a car, she can't go a long ways.
I hope this is on the news, and it will have to be - to get the public's help!
Are the police involved too? I guess SS will call them?
HUGS and huge PRAYERS!
This could be a blessing in disguise, as things will be brought to a head.
HUGS!
Prayers for all of you.
Oh Kim, this is dreadful! One time when my daughter moved away and I had Jenna, the "father" showed up and was supposed to just be getting Jenna for a visit. He kept her and would not bring her back to me! I went to his house and almost assaulted him! I called the police and they went in to do a quick "home check" (they had quickly flushed their drugs) :mad: and I had to leave without Jenna. "HE" is her legal guardian and if the mom isn't availabe he rightly gets her! :( Calling social services is the BEST thing you can do right now! SO STICK WITH IT! The best you can hope for is to win temporary custody of Cam while she is "getting her act together".
PRAYERS AND HUGS! Call me if you need to!
Kim
Although it won't seem like it at the time this may have been the best thing for her to do - as Catty said this may just kick start the process of her getting the help she needs.
Expect she will slink back soon when she wants something
I am just curious. Isn't the child hers? How can Social Services get involved if she left with her own child? Not a judgment, just a question.
Sara, you are correct! See my post just 2 above yours.Quote:
Originally Posted by Edwina's Secretary
I was kinda wondering this as well. Since her prior behavior has NOT been reported, what can SS do? What can the police do?Quote:
Originally Posted by Edwina's Secretary
Granted, I'm sure there is a lot I don't know...so I hope this doesn't sound like a negative question. I'm just wondering too.
LOTS of prayers going to the family...to each member...that things will right themselves. That she'll come home with her little one. Home is a MUCH better, safer, and more loving option than her just up and running with a little one with little to no plans.
Hugs for you, Kim. I'm sure you're having to be not only the brains here, but also the support for your hubby. Be strong, you can do it.
I'm here too....if you want to talk.
Hugs, Love & Prayers,
Kelly
I think her hospitalization can be reported, and info on her lifestyle that led her there (if the doctors know anything). And - reports about what she has done before from members of the family.
If questions are asked about why no one called, it's because she did have an appt booked with a psychiatrist this month - so there was hope.
I don't know legally what an employer can say - but if she has been through jobs fairly frequently, then that says something. And unless she can prove she had enough money to support her and Cam on their own - could her running off with him be construed to be some form of neglect?
I pray Cam is found unharmed.
Oh my gosh you must be worried sick about them both, not knowing where they have gone,i hope this does turn out to be a blessing in disguise too, but i agree with others if nothing has been reported as such, i imagine nothing can be done,i sincerely hope things take a turn around for the better, you have had more than enough to go through, thinking of you.
http://i264.photobucket.com/albums/i...ugsPurrs01.gif
from us all down under.
Much of what you say is pretty much what we're hoping will happen. With the exception of the psychiatrist.... she lied about that. Her appt was with a gyno for a pap smear. In and out and done. She had no intention of mentioning the whole depression thing. She really thinks there is no issue. So I called the gyno and had a long chat with her yesterday. I told her I know she can't say anything about her but that I could tell her what was happening. The doctor was VERY concerned and told me she would get a social worker involved.Quote:
Originally Posted by Catty1
This is all such a mess. We are certain she took Cam only to hurt hubby. He's devastated and said he would have tossed her out months ago if not for Cam. He doesn't want her back -- he only wants the baby. I'm thinking a week or two of having him full time and she'll be knocking on the door and dropping him off. She CAN NOT handle him herself. She's totally and completely incapable of caring for him herself.
Hugs...are the cops involved?
I would guess that the social services people etc have seen a lot of this, and they may have ideas of where to look for her.
Has this hit the news at all? If it is heard on a police scanner, then it just might.
Be prepared to screen calls if you don't want to talk to the media. It CAN help, in that she might turn herself and Cam in - but it can get to be a bit crazy also.
Prayers your way.
Kim, I've been following this thread but I haven't posted anything until now. I hope that everthing will work out and I'll continue to keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Please take care. (((HUGS)))
Seems very plausible that might be exactly what happens only I doubt it will take a full week.Quote:
Originally Posted by catnapper
Quote:
Originally Posted by Catty1
Catty1, this statement is a bit" over the top", don't you think? Young
women leaving the family home to strike out on their own is not a police
matter. Doesn't matter if it's a good idea or not.
It could become a police matter if they believe she would ever harm Cam in any fashion. Cam is a defenseless child and MUST come before all others, whether his "mother" is a legal adult trying to strike out on her own or not.Quote:
Originally Posted by lizbud
I am sending all my prayers that she returns Cam unharmed, and soon! Big hugs are being sent your way also.
Crystal
Quote:
Originally Posted by joycenalex
You are getting Catnapper Kim's story confused with mine. Catnapper's step-daughter has never lost custody of Cam. They've just lived with Kim and Grant since he was born. My daughter is the one who has lost custody of my grandbaby who is temporarily living with her other grandmother. Too bad there are so many of these heartbreaking cases just right here on PT. :(
In addition, so far she has not done anything "illegal" for the police to be looking for her. The first question out of their mouths will be "does she have legal custody ... is she the child's mother? Both of which the answer is "yes". They will then ask if Kim / Grant have a reason to believe that the child is in harm to which they can tell what they know. After that, the cops will most likely get Child Protective Services to contact Kim and Grant and take a report. I don't know that they or the police would still take the initiative to actually try to locate them though unless there were clear signs of physical abuse and a filed police report of such.
I'm not trying to shatter your hopes of this being "the answer," Kim, just sharing what I have learned. The legal guardians / parents always have the rights in a situation like this. It is very hard to do much of anything. :(
I pray that you have better luck with this than we did. As you said, your daughter most probably won't really want to take care of Cam for long and will return him to you. My daughter ended up doing something negligent by leaving Jenna home alone while she was napping. :( Eventually your daughter will mess up too, I just pray it is not in a way that is harmful to little Cam.
That's up to the police, IMO.Quote:
Originally Posted by lizbud
Catty1, this statement is a bit" over the top", don't you think? Young
women leaving the family home to strike out on their own is not a police
matter. Doesn't matter if it's a good idea or not.
Young women often have their families involved with a legitimate 'move out on their own.' They know they can support themselves, and have things in place.
This young women does not seem to have a history of thinking ahead. What if she has another collapse from her lifestyle and is back in hospital?
I suspect Cam will be returned to the grandparents, as it will get too much for her (catnapper has said as much). She never contributed any of her earnings to Cam's wellbeing. None.
I do not think 'striking out on her own' will suddenly change all that.
JMO
:o wow, i'm sorry i got got kimlovescats' and catnappers' hard times mixed up. , i'm going back to edit my post from yesterday. :o
Quote:
Originally Posted by kimlovescats
I agree. You've said it better than I.