Jesus and the apostles walk into a bar.
The bartender asks Jesus what he would like...
Jesus turns to the apostles. winks an replies, "Thirteen glasses of water and one fish sandwich!"
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Jesus and the apostles walk into a bar.
The bartender asks Jesus what he would like...
Jesus turns to the apostles. winks an replies, "Thirteen glasses of water and one fish sandwich!"
I saw Matthew McConaughey in Hollywood driving, I was waiting on the corner for a friend when I noticed him....A minute later he came back around the block!
A few minutes later he drove BACK around - He made 6 more trips until he got stopped by the signal. He had his window down and I managed to hear his GPS giving him instructions.......
"All Right, All Right, All Right...."
When Harrison Ford got his pilot's license he had to fly "Solo".
How would Harrison Ford do flying the Millenium Falcon?
After the crash, there was no word on how Chewbacca was doing?
Q: What kind of waves do you find on small beaches?
A: Microwaves :rolleyes:
Q: What does a chromosome like to wear?
A: Genes :rolleyes:
Two brothers aged 13 and 11 are called to come down stairs for breakfast. When they get to the kitchen table their mom asked what they would like. The 13 year old says 'Awe geez, how bought some F'ing Cheerios Ma'? He doesn't see the blur until moms hand slaps him across the face and she proceeds to whack him with a mixing spoon all the way back up stairs until he gets to his room.
Now, back in the kitchen, she turns to the 11 year old and says 'And what can I get you for breakfast, mister?' Whimpering, the 11 year old says, " I sure don't want any f@cking Cheerios":D
That's was funny!!!
Good one, Cat Daddy!:D
"Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’ll be a mile away, and you’ll have their shoes." -- author unknown
Love it! I have to get me those shoes.:DQuote:
Originally Posted by cassiesmom
My dad told me this joke...
A milkman is making his deliveries and finds a note attached to a customer's door saying, "I need 45 gallons of milk."
He knocks at the door and a lady answers it.
"Forty-five gallons of milk. Is this a mistake?" the milkman asks.
"No," she says, "I was watching a talk show and it said bathing in milk is a good aphrodisiac."
"Really?" replies the milkman. "Do you want that pasteurized?"
"No, up to my chest will be fine."
That's funny! I had to read it out loud a couple of times to get it.:)
First joke I remember hearing. Guy with a hair lip goes to the pet store, "Can I buy some birdseed please". Clerk says "I can't understand what you said. Guy goes away, comes back the next day, " I would like to buy some birdseed please" clerk says "go away hairlip, I can't understand what your saying!" The guy comes back every day for two weeks. On the 15 th day, the guy comes in and says," Hey mister, ya wanna buy a dead bird"?
I saw this recently and it gave me a smile. With apologies in advance for any negative stereotypes.
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. Then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.
Rottweiler: Make me.
Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh?
Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp!
Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he’s busy.
Jack Russell Terrier: I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls.
Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Mastiff: Change it yourself! I’m not afraid of the dark…
Doberman: While it’s out, I’ll just take a nap on the couch.
Boxer: Who needs light? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there!
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb?
Australian Shepherd: First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle…
Old English Sheep dog: Light bulb? I don't see a burnt out light bulb.
Basset Hound: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz…
Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned-out bulb?
Cat: Dogs do not change light bulbs — people change light bulbs. I am not one of THEM so the question is, how long before I can expect light again?
That's cute!:)
Hee hee! Funny! All kinds of darling dogs there.
:love::love::love::love::love::love::love::love:
From my great nephew, who is 5 ... How do you make a banana split? Open the door! :p:
He thinks it's the Funniest Joke Ever :)
There is nothing remotely funny about Michael Vick, period. Nothing, zero and.... I have an excellent sense of humour. If someone is capable of what he is allegedly accused of, dude needs years of physiological help. And, that will never undo what he did. Sick ****.Quote:
Originally Posted by CathyBogart
Well,
How do you make a venetian blind?
Poke his eyes out.
From a neighbor’s grandson (he’s 6):
What should you give your dad for a snack on Father’s Day? POPcorn!
he thinks it’s the Funniest Joke Ever ;)
Great jokes! Keep it up!
From the neighbor’s grandson again. Where do sheep go for summer vacation? - To the Baa-hamas :rolleyes:
Oh, that's great! Thanks, Elyse!
:love::love::love::love::love::love::love::love:
From my neighbor’s grandson.
Q: What should you use to mend a jack-o-lantern?
A: A pumpkin patch :eyeroll:
He's a funny kid!Quote:
Originally Posted by cassiesmom
My neighbor told me this joke, which I'm to tell his grandson at the next visit (probably over the weekend). What falls down every winter but never gets hurt? Snowflakes. :rolleyes:
Heard on the radio. The governor of Illinois issued a shelter in place order that went into effect yesterday.
What kind of humor is best while you are sheltering in place? Inside jokes. (groan)
What is the first curse words a dogwalker learns on the job?
Oh S---!
From my neighbor's grandson again. Where do cows go on a Saturday night? To the moo-vies :rolleyes:
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef!
What happens if you see a robbery at an Apple store? You are an iWitness! :rolleyes:
Most likely it will. To be honest, I still don't get Apple's joke. Wild overpricing, there are devices not worse, but much cheaper.Quote:
Originally Posted by cassiesmom
Where does a stallion go when he needs to see the doctor? To the HORSEpital :rolleyes:
ONe of my co-workers writes a "dad joke" on her white board almost every day. Here's a recent one ...
How do you tell a good joke about pizza? It's all in the delivery. :rolleyes: *groan*
Good ones, Elyse.. Thank you!
:love::love::love::love::love::love::love::love:
Here's another recent one: What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? "Where is pop corn?" *groan* :rolleyes:Quote:
Originally Posted by cassiesmom
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”
Passenger: “Who?”
Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”
Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”
Passenger: “Sounds like he was really something special.”
Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.”
Passenger: “Wow, what a guy!”
Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”
Passenger: “How did you meet him?”
Cabbie: “I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife.”
It's funny. I haven't heard this joke before. I need to remember.Quote:
Originally Posted by cassiesmom
Here's another recent one. She's sharing Halloween jokes...Quote:
Originally Posted by cassiesmom
Q: What's the most important subject for a witch to learn in school?
A: Spelling. :rolleyes: