I'm so sick of crying.

I'm SO sick of my mom.

She's gone. Not here. No one knows where she is, what she's doing, who she's with. She said she was going out with my sister or her friends Daryll and Nikola.

I called at 7 when I was done with work and she said she was on her way home. Four hours later, I've got no damn clue where the hell she is. I'm SO sick of this. I'm bawling my eyes out and I can't really type accurately, so I will just copy and paste a conversation I just had with a friend.

Kutless Demons (10:37:35 PM): have you considered calling the police?
x kiLLedbymuSicx (10:37:41 PM): no
Kutless Demons (10:38:11 PM): hmm.
Kutless Demons (10:38:17 PM): where do you think she could be?
x kiLLedbymuSicx (10:38:30 PM): john's.
Kutless Demons (10:38:36 PM): oh god.
Kutless Demons (10:38:37 PM): really??
x kiLLedbymuSicx (10:38:47 PM): possibly.
x kiLLedbymuSicx (10:38:52 PM): that's where my dad and jen think she is.
x kiLLedbymuSicx (10:39:00 PM): my mom told me she was going to meet jen out for pizza.
x kiLLedbymuSicx (10:39:05 PM): jenny said mom never showed up.
x kiLLedbymuSicx (10:39:11 PM): sooo.
Kutless Demons (10:39:18 PM): maybe something happened to her??
x kiLLedbymuSicx (10:39:27 PM): i pretty much hope she's in a ditch somewhere.
x kiLLedbymuSicx (10:40:11 PM): if she's going to ****ing lie to people about where she is and get involved in this john **** again
x kiLLedbymuSicx (10:40:13 PM): i dont even care
Kutless Demons (10:40:33 PM): well how come you automatically assume she's lying?
x kiLLedbymuSicx (10:40:51 PM): because we know her.
Kutless Demons (10:41:02 PM): thats really horrible of her
x kiLLedbymuSicx (10:41:06 PM): she's not okay in the head.
x kiLLedbymuSicx (10:41:23 PM): i hate how she puts me through this **** ALL THE TIME and doesnt even think about what she's doing to me
x kiLLedbymuSicx (10:42:09 PM): 80% of my damn life is spent worrying about her, hoping that her depression hasn't gotten the best of her, hoping that she'll realize that john's an asshole, hoping she'll realize what the **** she's missing and fucking HOPING she'll feel sorry for it.
x kiLLedbymuSicx (10:42:22 PM): its NOT FAIR.
Kutless Demons (10:43:07 PM): *hug* she's selfish. HORRIBLY selfish. you're too nice for worrying about her all the time. and it's not fair what you have to go through *hugs again*..me and maddi were talking about it the other day and we're both SO proud of how effing STRONG you are about it all!!
x kiLLedbymuSicx (10:44:05 PM): i dont feel so strong when i'm bawling my eyes out
x kiLLedbymuSicx (10:44:13 PM): i ****ing hate this
Kutless Demons (10:44:45 PM): you are too strong! you've got room to cry, you have lots of shit to deal with
x kiLLedbymuSicx (10:44:48 PM): i hate dealing with her endless ****, she needs to get over john, she needs to be a parent, she needs to realize what she's missing and how she makes people AROUND her feel... she just DOESNT GET IT and it makes me SO angry
Kutless Demons (10:45:11 PM): you should tell her this!
x kiLLedbymuSicx (10:46:05 PM): i know
x kiLLedbymuSicx (10:46:08 PM): but it will kill her
Kutless Demons (10:46:20 PM): is there a nice way you could say all that?
x kiLLedbymuSicx (10:46:25 PM): if i tell her whats wrong with her she'll just fall apart
x kiLLedbymuSicx (10:46:38 PM): either that or she'll get really angry and scream at me
Kutless Demons (10:47:07 PM): argh
Kutless Demons (10:47:10 PM): lose lose situation eh?
x kiLLedbymuSicx (10:47:15 PM): pretty much.
Kutless Demons (10:47:17 PM): do you talk to your dad about it?
Kutless Demons (10:47:20 PM): maybe he has a suggestion
x kiLLedbymuSicx (10:47:55 PM): i hate talking to ANYONE about it cuz i always end up bawling... everything i don't tell people can only sit around for so long before i snap
Kutless Demons (10:49:05 PM): you can talk to me and maddi about it! bawl to us and we'll hug you and tell you we love you..and then once all your crying is out you can talk to your dad about it!
x kiLLedbymuSicx (10:50:09 PM): angie called when i was telling you about my mom
x kiLLedbymuSicx (10:50:26 PM): part of the reason i'm bawling
x kiLLedbymuSicx (10:50:52 PM): she cares enough to call and see how my day was and wish me goodnight and hope i have a good day

Angie is my dad's girlfriend, my second mom. She's so supportive of everything I do.

I'm SO SICK OF MY MOM. I hate crying and I hate her. She puts me through SO MUCH and doesn't even FLINCH.

Sweetheart, you cry because you have a heart.

Perhaps, maybe I have suggested this before, you need to stop thinking of her as your mother. Think of her as your "birth mother" - she's biologically connected, but that's it. It sounds like Angie is a better role model, and you can choose others, too. Heavens knows I have more Moms than you can shake a stick at, and I had a GOOD mother!

Write your biological mom a letter, explaining that she hurts you with her careless actions, and if you want to limit her involvement with you, say that, too.

Aww, Meg.. :( I'm so sorry you've had to go through this for so long. You don't know how much I hope things will get better for you. Stay strong Meg, and always remember that we love you and we're here for you.

What Karen suggested was an absolutely perfect idea, as long as you're comfortable with it.

(((((((HUGS)))))))

It's just not fair. Why do I have to do this all the time? I keep my emotions to myself, then one little thing happens and I snap and I'm bawling. My mom is soooo heartless its unreal. It's not fair that I spend nearly ALL of my time worrying about her, hoping she's doing okay, hoping she's taking her medicine, hoping she isn't seeing John again, hoping she is have a damn GOOD DAY and all I get is no phone call, no idea where she is, neglect and hearltessness. It's NOT FAIR, and I don't get it.

It's not fair.

I am so sorry you keep having to go through this over and over again, Meg. At this young age, you just don't need this kind of problem. Maybe a good letter would work for you at least. It would get it out of your system anyway.

I just don't think she is going to change anytime soon. It is time you started thinking of yourself, and quit thinking of whether she is going to be alright and take her meds and etc, etc. She is a grown woman, she is going to have to take care of herself!

I love you, Megan, and I hate to see you let this thing just keep eating you alive. Please don't let her keep doing this to you all the time. Take time to be the young lady you are suppose to be.

love,
Willie

How sad. I had a dad like that in my childhood. It's affected me.

Keep talking it out.

It took me years to realize not all people make good parents;
but they are good people.

Keep questioning, sweetheart; it will make sense one day.

Be careful before you have babies - it's the toughest job in the universe!

Karen has given you good advice - sit down and write your Mom a letter - even if she doesn't read it - putting all of your feelings down on paper will help you.

Meg, somehow, I feel as though you should stop thinking about what you DON'T have - and concentrate on what you DO have. If you have people around you that really care about you (and it sounds as though you do)- look to them for support.

It is clear that your pain is very deep - you want and need a love and concern from your Mom and all she does is care about herself and ignores you.

Believe me, this hurts me for you.

It will be difficult to reconcile this - but in time you will be able to do this and continue to grow into this lovely woman with a big heart. Your Mother is throwing away something so precious and she doesn't even realize what she is doing. I am glad that you can come to us - and even from a distance there are so many women who would love to have a daughter just like you.

We will try to give you the love and assurance that you need and deserve.

Hold in tight. You have all the support from PT'ers, and we all care about you here, and it sounds like Angie and your dad do too.

You really should stop worrying about your mom. It is not your responsibility to watch her, and ask if she is on her meds. That is her job.

I know that we don't really talk too much, but I am always willing to listen, or talk if you ever want. Just send me a PM, and I will surely do what I can to help.

(((((HUGS))))) This will eventually get better, just keep talking, and crying. Crying always helps a little, so don't be afraid to cry!

-Stephanie

Aww Megan , i cannot believe you are having this kind of stuff happening to you all the time, I know you say you hate your mom and you have good reason to , but knowing you as I do you really love her and that is why you worry so much about her, it is extremely sad to see she does not have the maturity that her own daughter does and cannot return the love and care that you bestow upon her, she is so fortunate to have such a wonderful daughter and she does not even know it, honestly hon i could kick her butt from here to eternity,but none of that helps you right now.

Just know you have many PT moms who love you dearly, and wish they could do something to help,try to concentrate on your own life sweetie and enjoy the happy times and remember it is natural for you to care about your mother,because you are a wonderful giving young woman with a wise shoulder on her head wise beyond her years.

I don't understand why you mother does what she does, and why she appears to be so darn selfish,and i wish with all my heart she would open her darn eyes and start making some changes for the better, but until then if that ever happens, you have a life to live of your own Megan and you are way too young to have these worries on your shoulders, share them with your dad and stepmom and us here and help us to lighten the load, a worry shared is a worry halfed so they say.

I think writing your feelings down is a great idea, even if you do not give it to her, it will help you a lot.

HUGS and love to you Megan, you know we all love and care about you, and pm me anytime okey dokey .

Im so sorry that you are having to go through this. I don't really know what you're going through.... but I went through something similar, but with my dad.

I agree ... write your feelings down.. and limit your time with your mom. Im not real familiar with your situation but only from this post. I really don't know what kind of advice to give you.. .but I really hate that this is happening to you. If only sometimes the parents that are like this could see how much they hurt us... :(

*hugs* I hope things get better soon!!

I'm so sorry you have to go through such a mess, Megan...!

Follow Gini's and Karen's advize, it is the best!!

And, is there any possibility you can go and live with your dad?

Megan,

You've gotten alot of good advice from people who care about you. Don't ever hesitate in talking to us. We are one big PT family, and that's what we are here for.

Hang in there honey. I've PM'd you with my cellphone number. Don't ever hesitate to call me. I can always call you back. I have LOADS of free minutes.

(((((HUGS))))))))

Donna

Can only add to what the others have posted - you will always have us. Your Mom won't ever be the one you want or deserve so try to accept her as she is and concentrate on YOU

I'm sorry you have to go through all that. I know how you feel because my mother was a lot the same. She was very abusive and I always felt like I was nothing, and she told me I was nothing and treated me like I didn't matter. I have been on my own since I was 16 because of it and I had a lot of hard years because of the anger I couldn't let go of. Just remember you DO matter and as hard as this seems right now you have to try REALLY hard not to let it shape your whole life. I can only reemphasize what the others have said above, and encourage you to turn to the people who DO love you. You are lucky, I didn't even have that, my dad disappeared when I was 8 and I had nobody else, so at least you have that. Take heart that there ARE people who care what happens to you and that you are worth a lot more than your mom is treating you like. Don't let her life define yours, or it will eat you up. It's hard! I know it is. You can't control her actions or what she does, so you can only protect yourself and your feelings. Write her a letter, if you can't talk to her face, and tell her how much what she is doing is hurting you and making you cry, how much anger and pain she is causing you. You never know, it might be enough to turn her around. It's worth a try. I don't usually give advice on these topics but I can understand how you feel to a certain degree because I've felt it. I don't want to see it affect your entire life so that you can't be happy. Sometimes life isn't fair, I always felt that way too when I would see my friend's families who had "normal" moms. Keep your chin up, you still have your whole life to live, and your mom will be the one missing out in the end.

NO, Megan, it is NOT fair - you are not supposed to be the caregiver, SHE is. She is sick.

If for some reason, you can't live with your dad and Angie, call a women's shelter, a teen hotline, anything. You need rescue and support - and you can't keep living there.

I hope you are not staying with her because you will feel responsible if anything happens to her. She is an adult and knows there is help.

Sweetie - you need to get out of that house. Your mom's sickness is infecting and affecting you. A women's shelter or the police will have resources.

HUGS

Catty1