Okay, need reminders about internet dating...

[Catty1]

..so tell me again!

I know several people here have met the great love of their life through online dating.

What are the danger signs, even subtle ones, that something is not right?

I don't want any sense of low self esteem having me thinking, "Why is someone this handsome talking to me? And he thinks I am beautiful?"

Any hints?

Thanks.

(He says I am just flattering him, and doesn't really want me to carry on...but to me he is REALLY good looking. Ok, he's HOT! Happy now? )

[K9karen]

Candace...I have no experience internet dating (tho I did sign up out of curiosity).

But, having love and lost many times in my life, I've learned not to rush into things and take each date, one step at a time. Also, remember never to down yourself..like *what are you doing with me, you're so handsome*. That kinda shows a complex and weakness. Think it, of course, soak in the tub and swoon, but make the dude think you're the best thing that's ever happened to him. He$$, I remind John constantly how lucky he is to have me! .

Amazingly, so many of my friends have met their partners/spouses at clubs and bars and on line! Ya just never know.

Enjoy a nice relationship, girl. You have the sense to know what's right for you. And you are beautiful, silly.

[Taz_Zoee]

Danger signs, or knowing when something isn't right? Well, a guy saying he wants to get alone with you. JUST KIDDING!!
That is up to you. Anything that makes you feel uncomfortable would be a danger sign.
You probably already know this, but I'd like to state it again.
When you meet someone face to face that you met online, it is important to:
* Meet during the day, not at night when its dark.
* Meet in a public, semi-busy place.
* Make sure someone knows exactly where you are at what time. If plans change let that person know.
I used to have a friend "on call". If she called me and I didn't answer the phone then she'd take it to the next level. So someone usually called about an hour or so into the date.

Funny thing about the tips I stated above. When I met Bruce it was during the day at a restaurant for lunch. Then we went to the mall for a while. After that neither of us wanted to go home. So we ended up driving up to Tahoe. Yes, it got dark. Next thing we knew it was 1am!! We stayed the night at his condo. But I refused to go upstairs and sleep in/on a bed so we slept on the couches. LOL He never even kissed me on that (long) date. We still joke about it.

Anyway, if it is the right person you will feel completely comfortable with him. You can be yourself and not feel like you must act a certain way to impress him. Do not sit and wonder why he is talking to you. He is obviously talking to you because he is attracted to you and wants to get to know you.
So just relax, be yourself and enjoy it!!

[Medusa]

A good friend of mine met her boyfriend through online dating and they've been together a year now, so it's possible to find a steady, solid relationship through online dating sites. My advice is to trust your instincts, Candace. Self esteem issues aside, if it feels as though he's trying to "buy your face" as a friend of mine used to say, then he probably is. I'm not saying that's the case w/this guy because you're an attractive woman and a man should be able to say so w/out coming under suspicion. After all, photos are part of the attraction process w/internet dating.

I'd also be leery of someone who lives at quite a distance. Sometimes, not always, they like to have an online relationship because it's safe in their eyes and they have no intention of ever meeting. For ex: I "met" a man on one of the dating sites in 2000 and we've been online friends ever since. However, occasionally he'll say things like "You and I were meant to be together. It's cruel that we live so far apart. If you were here now, we'd be riding my Harley and doing the things we love. I know you're the one for me." I'd finally had enough of it and called his bluff and wrote "You take vacations every year, you ride your Harley farther distances than to OH, so I'm inviting you to come here and meet me. Let's see if there's anything to this." I knew in my heart that he was just saying what he thought I wanted to hear and when I issued this invitation, he stammered and stuttered and, of course, it's 2009 and we've never actually met. Of course, had he taken me up on my offer, I would've been in an awkward position but I would've gone through w/it, although I wouldn't have let him know where I live. He would've had to stay in a hotel, etc.

It can be exciting and flattering but, how shall I say this, some men think that because we're women of a "certain age" that we're anxious to find a man and will easily comply w/their wishes. In my opinion, the same rules apply to internet dating as in-person dating: make 'em work for it. They'll appreciate and respect you that much more for it and you'll come to trust them in the process. Have fun w/it, Candace. You deserve it.

[catnapper]

I learned to look at online dating as a menu. Try out different things than you'd normally go for..... you like musicians? Stay away from them and go for the sporty type. I found that a LOT of people who did that end up with the right one because all along they were chasing the wrong type!

I also see that if things get too cozy online too fast, its a warning sign. I met someone (before I met hubby of course ) who was WONDERFUL. He wrote me poetry, was romantic, and sensitive. Oh, I was in love before we met. Then we met.... this grubby looking mamma's boy showed up. Talk about disappointment.

One guy spent a lot of time telling me how smart he was, but also challenged me intellectually. When we met, he spent the whole lunch telling me what was wrong with my work's website and how wonderful HE was at fixing websites.

Another guy wanted to meet at a dog park. So I dragged my sister in law along. THANK GOD I did because he was "nice" but it was nicer to have another person with us. By the time I got to the dog park guy, I'd gotten really good at reading between the lines of what they say. Hubby was genuine and true in everything he said. I could tell he was.


Oh, and there are instances where a handsome guy is truly unaware that he is. Those are a rare breed!

[Catty1]

Thanks, everyone! LOL Mary, I had to laugh...he's off to the UK for a week on business, and said, 'Why don't we stop in and see you on our way back?'

OK, he hasn't seen a map lately...I told him that West Va was as far east in the USA as Alberta was west in Canada.

"Oh," he said. LOL But that's ok, not many folks in the USA know the layout of Canada - and I had to Google a map to find out exactly where West Virginia was!

Is it possible that an engineer doesn't have much online experience? I'll have to ask him - he must use computers, but more for technical stuff and documents. Who knows?

If he/and his daughter come up for a visit, I sure will suggest a hotel! And my address is unlisted in the phone directory.

[Medusa]

Thanks, everyone! LOL Mary, I had to laugh...he's off to the UK for a week on business, and said, 'Why don't we stop in and see you on our way back?'

OK, he hasn't seen a map lately...I told him that West Va was as far east in the USA as Alberta was west in Canada.

"Oh," he said. LOL But that's ok, not many folks in the USA know the layout of Canada - and I had to Google a map to find out exactly where West Virginia was!

Is it possible that an engineer doesn't have much online experience? I'll have to ask him - he must use computers, but more for technical stuff and documents. Who knows?

If he/and his daughter come up for a visit, I sure will suggest a hotel! And my address is unlisted in the phone directory.

Wow, he wants to visit already, huh? How long have you been chatting?

[sparks19]

It's tough when they live far away as far as meetings go. If he wants to come and see you then I say go for it as long as you are comfortable.

but if he is REALLY pushing the issue then I would say that is a warning sign.

of course a hotel will be in order when he comes to visit and when you meet do it in a public place. Like meet for dinner.

I think timeline depends on your comfort level. I know Brian and I had a pretty fast timeline lol. We talked online and on the phone (A LOT) for two months. he drove up to Canada to see me July 4th weekend and then came up a couple more times and we were married by the next august lol.

Just trust your gut instincts. if you feel uneasy with something don't ignore it.

[Scooter's Mom]

I met my husband online in March 1998. We met in person in July, and I moved here in January 1999. He lived here in Phoenix and I was in Houston.

I've been incredibly lucky. I met my ex-husband in a Houston area chat room in 1990! One of my oldest friends, we met in another little Houston area chat room (BBS) in the 1980's... we were about 12. We lived all the way across Houston (an hour) from each other and for my 13th birthday he had his dad deliver a stuffed Ziggy to me. We're still friends to this day.

My best advice? Trust your gut instinct. If something feels weird or off - RUN. I've had a couple of situations where I did, and I don't regret doing it for an instant.

[Medusa]

So far, Candace, all of us have said to trust your instincts. That's why we have them and if we listen and follow them, they usually steer us away from trouble.

[Catty1]

Thanks again. Mary, he hasn't insisted on meeting...he just seemed to think that where I am was 'on the way back' to Va from the UK. Nope, kind of a long scenic route to do that!

Nothing feels really "off" yet...a couple of minor things which could be anything. I am not being unduly flattered, or bragged to. Which is good.

So we shall see. I think an in-person meeting will have to happen at some point and will really help.

On the other hand - some people, even on the Net, are what they say they are.

[Medusa]

Thanks again. Mary, he hasn't insisted on meeting...he just seemed to think that where I am was 'on the way back' to Va from the UK. Nope, kind of a long scenic route to do that!

Nothing feels really "off" yet...a couple of minor things which could be anything. I am not being unduly flattered, or bragged to. Which is good.

So we shall see. I think an in-person meeting will have to happen at some point and will really help.

On the other hand - some people, even on the Net, are what they say they are.

Ok, good. I don't want to sound like a harpie or a know-it-all. I just want you to be safe. And happy. It's true that some people are what they say they are, even on the Net. You're a genuine person, so am I, and I'd like to believe that there are men out there who are, too. I guess we just don't hear enough of the success stories, just the scary ones, although several success stories have been posted on this thread, so I'm encouraged and I hope you are, too. Please keep us posted on this. It's exciting!