I want your opinions, please :)

[Genny]

Hello everybody,

OK, I have a question for everyone; I just want your thoughts/opinions on this. I'll try to explain everything and sum it all up so it won't be so long: Here goes I am 19 y/o. I w/ to school kindergarten-6th grade, then 7th-12th I was home schooled (because I wanted to be, it was my choice) so I guess you could say I didn't hang out w/ kids my own age like I would have if I had been in school. I wasn't 'not' around kids I mean I had friends I went places with, just not all the time.. I mainly have stayed home a lot and helped my mother w/ things and she adopted my brother's 3 y/0 daughter a few years ago and I help take care of her alot. So my life has been here w/ my family for a while now.
I'm not complaining at all, I chose this and I have had a good time and I love my family to death. Every family has their problems and so do we but I wouldn't ever change anything as far as going to school and not staying home.
But now I am ready to get a job and get a car, I am like dying for my own car!! anyone knows that feeling that hasn't had one... or wants one....
Anyways we are moving soon and it will be about a month or two before we are moved, my mom has asked me to please wait about a job until after we move so I can stay here and help her get things ready to move,etc.
So I said ok, fine I will and I plan to, but here's something else that bothers me. I have met a goy that I like a lot, he works at a store not far from our house, and when I told my mom about him to see what she thought she told me that she just didn't know about him. He is a realy nice guy and very friendly. He is a year younger than me though but I don't see anything wrong w/ that, do you?? I mean is it wrong for a guy to be a year younger than you??? My mom says it is becasue he is probably too immature....but how do you know things like that until you get to know a person??
And then she said she didn't ever think there would ever be anyone that she woulld totally approve of for me, I mean what is she trying to do?? Is she afraid for me to start going out w/ guys??? It's not like I want to marry this guy, it's just I would like to maybe go out to a movie or to the mall, nothing big just like hang out like a boyfriend and girlfriend do.
I just don't know what to do, I have tried talking to her about it but it's weird to talk to her about guys and stuff cause that's like one of the last things she wants to think about...like my going out w/ a guy) So is my mom just too overly protective???? Is this normal???? Should I just be nice and try to forget about this guy or what? I just feel like she might be trying to treat my like a baby since she knows I'm getting older, I mean I know I'm only 19 but you guys understand don't you? It's not like I want to run away and get married.... LOL.
Does anyone else have this problem?? What would you do?? How do yuo feel about this does anyone have any advice??
I also hope it's alright I posted about this here but I guess it is since it's General. Thanks everyone....

[Rachel]

*And then she said she didn't ever think there would ever be anyone that she woulld totally approve of for me*

By this statement I think your mom was in effect letting you know that her opinions may be tainted by a mother's wanting the best of the best for her daughter and that you have to take that into consideration when you evaluate her input.

Personally I believe you are certainly of an age where you can make your own decisions about who to get to know a bit better. That doesn't mean you should ignore the opinions of others, especially your parents. Simply put them into the mix with your own observations and gut reactions. As an adult you will be making many choices in life and it is unavoidable for there to be mistakes along the way. But as you begin that process you will learn to trust your own judgement and from that comes confidence.

Hopefully your mother will encourage you to spred your wings and fly into the world of work and relationships outside the scope of the immediate family. Her wanting to have you wait to get a job until after the move sounds reasonable, but if there are other efforts to delay the process of your moving on with your life, you may need to have a really serious conversation with her about what you expect from your future and how she can be more helpful to your emotional and social growth. Good luck.

[joycenalex]

i think the english phrase of growing up into adulthood sometimes should be growing apart from childhood. from your post, it seems that you've had the advantage of a close and loving family relationship, as your mother has had the great advantage of having you there as she has raised another young child. at somepoint, and soon, you need to/have to to become a full adult and that will mean to move outside of the immediate family circle before it becomes a noose around both of your necks. you have to meet other women, men and make friends, mistakes, and have a life that doesn't revolve first around your family. and it's totally normal and understandable that she's freaked out over the idea that you're interested in a guy. do you have girlfriends? try to discuss him with them, i know and understand that your mom has been your first confidant for along time, but in this and for the need of healthy seperation for both of you, she should be a secondary confidant. if you don't have girlfriends, it's time to start making them. there are things that a 19/20 yr old woman can tell you that your mom can't.
it's gonna be hard for your mom when this happens; does she have female friends? does she have intrests and contacts outside of your family that she spends time with like churchfriends and other parents of your now middle school niece? in some ways she's gonna have to grow apart too as you mature into full adulthood, and it's not your need at this time to be your moms' closest friend.
i think rachel is right, a full time job after the move is reasonable, but maybe start the process of getting a resume together, are you in community college? the student office can help with that. good luck and best wishes, for both of you in the next scary and exciting stages of your growing

[Medusa]

And then she said she didn't ever think there would ever be anyone that she woulld totally approve of for me

Mom may have said this to you rather tongue in cheek but there's probably still a grain of truth in it. Of course, take Mom's counsel to heart because she wants what's best for her daughter. As for the boy and all future dating prospects, you can judge them less on what they say and more on what they do.

[Genny]

Hey everyone, thank you for your thought. I appreciate you taking the time to sit down and write me about this. I know it's not very important but it is in my life right now and it's good to have people understand me.

Joyce, about your question, I have irlfriends that I've tlaked to about this, but they are more like this 'ask that guy out, your mom shouldn't be acting that way' so to them they are just like 'do what you want, Genny' so that's why I came here about all this.

My mom has a lot of friends she goes places with sometimes, most of them are friends from high school when she was younger. She also talks with my niece's grandma a lot. We are also around each other a lot and do things together, but I think it's time I get a job, maybe a boyfriend? I don't want to rush into things but I just think I need to get out--my mom says that she just doesn't want me to make any mistakes or regret doing things, but to me I think a person needs to make mistakes because that way they can learn from them....I know my mom just wants what's best for me, she has good intentions, she's like my best friend...I'm not saying I want to leave and never come back I just need her to understand I'm growing up and I'm not a little 12 y/o anymore. I just don't know how to explain that to her..

[Karen]

I'm not saying I want to leave and never come back I just need her to understand I'm growing up and I'm not a little 12 y/o anymore. I just don't know how to explain that to her..

I am sure she knows that, in her heart, but may just be trying to postpone the inevitable. Sure, get to know that guy, a one-year age difference doesn't make nearly as much difference as poeple think. Some guys are mature at 16, some not until 36 - if ever ... but you just want to maybe date him, not marry him tomorrow. Your mom is just being a mom. She will live.

[Gracefulsarah]

I'm wondering if your Mom also knows a good thing when she has it. It's possible that somwhere down deep, she knows that if you get a life (ie: job, car, boyfriend, etc...) she won't have you home anymore. In essence, she will have lost her helper. I don't want to say she's manipulating you, but be sure not to rule that out as it does happen all the time to people out there. I hope this isn't too negative, but someone had to say it. On the other hand, Karen, Rachel, and the others could be spot on. Your Mom doesn't want you to make the same mistakes she might have made. But she needs to realize that she can't protect her little girl forever.

[Argranade]

I don't see anything wrong with going out with a guy younger than you.

I like this guy younger than me, he's taller and looks my age also.

Love has no boundaries... well to me anyway lol.

[joycenalex]

--my mom says that she just doesn't want me to make any mistakes or regret doing things, but to me I think a person needs to make mistakes because that way they can learn from them....I know my mom just wants what's best for me, she has good intentions, she's like my best friend...I'm not saying I want to leave and never come back I just need her to understand I'm growing up and I'm not a little 12 y/o anymore. I just don't know how to explain that to her..

you are gonna make mistakes. you will bounce checks, spend too much, stay up waaaayyyyy too late, wear cute shoes that pinch alot, miss college classes, you will fall in love/lust/like with the wrong people, drink bad coffee and eat runny eggs. you will also learn to keep enough money in the bank, take naps, wear cute non pinching shoes, go to class , stay away from the wrong people, wash the coffee pot and cook eggs properly to your taste. you will regret things, some will be major regrets, some will be minor regrets. it's life, you will make mistakes. she also taught you good ethics, values and ways to learn. printing these posts out might be a way to start the conversation with her, that it's time for you to start making your own way and mistakes. kindest regards to her and to you, joyce

[Genny]

You are all right and all make perfect sense and I appreciate all of you taking the time to write me about this--I kinda had a small talk w/ my mother tonight about everything--I didn't talk to her about the certain 'guy' that I like; I just talked to her and told her how I felt a little and she told me that she understood that I needed to get out and do my own things and get my own life--and that she would help me all she could if I ever needed her for anything, and you all know I'm gonna need my mom all through out my life, cause don't we all? so I hope she might finally see everything the way I am seeing things-- I know she's still gonna be 'overly protective' because that's just my 'mom.' but like she said earlier that she use to do about my older brother--everytime he would leave to go somewhere like work or out w/ friends etc that all she could do was say a prayer that he'll come home safe and that's what I want her to do for me.....so thanks for listening to me guys and still feel free to tell me anything you think I might should know....talk to ya'll later!