I lost my best friend.

[sam5263]

Today is Friday, April 20, 2007. I lost my best friend 3 days ago. I held him while he took his last breath at about 7:00 p.m. I'm talking about Fitzgerald, or "Lion", or "Menace". I had him for so long that he had quite a few nicknames. For 12 years and 4 months he's been my constant companion. The decision to let him go was the hardest and most heartbreaking decision I've ever had to make. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I never thought that it was possible to love an animal so much. He's never given me a major problem. He comforted me when I was sick and seemed to know when I was sick even before I did. As old as he was you could never tell. Always a bit small for his age (he was only about 7 lbs.), he was a perpetual kitten. Always playful, always alert, always curious. Upon his passing I felt as though I was losing a partner. My heart sank and I couldn't breathe. I kept whispering to him about how good a cat he was, and how I loved him, and how I would never forget him. I hope he can forgive me for making him spend his last 3 nights alone. I had to have him hospitalized. Lion hated being alone. I spent about an hour with him before he passed. As sick as he was, and with as much pain as he was in, he still curled up in my arms, which were thrust in his open cage, and purred like he was having the time of his life. He seemed to be trying to comfort me, instead of the other way around. I guess he could sense my pain.

I find it hard to talk about him without wanting to cry. It's going to take a long time to adjust to his absence. I've had him for my entire adult life, and almost half of my overall life. I knew that this day was likely to come sooner or later, but I wish it could have been much later. Coming home is the part I hate the most. I look for him to come running to the door like he usually did, and when he doesn't, I go straight to my room and look for him. I would always find him at the bottom left side of my bed, looking happy to see me. Now when I do, there's just an empty space. I wake up and expect to see him staring at me, rushing me to get his breakfast. Even going in the bathroom is different because I don't have the little guy pushing the door wide open to investigate what I'm doing in there. I can't remember the last time I've been in my bathroom alone.

I try to keep in mind that for a cat, Lion was a bit old. He was suffering immensely, and his only option was repeated surgeries which may or may not work. I could not bear to put either of us through it. I've provided the best life that I knew how to for him thus far, and I hope that I provided the best death that I could. After he died I held him for a few minutes. His big green eyes were open as though he was listening to me. When I picked him up for the last time he felt so light in my arms, and so small. There was an orange and white towel on the exam table and I decided to wrap him in it. It took a couple of tries before I got it right. When I walked away from my baby and out of that room, I found it hard to hold my head up.

At first I did not want to witness his death, but I changed my mind and I'm glad I did. As much as I didn't want to watch his final moments, I wanted to be there for him, as he always was for me. I would have regretted making him die amongst strangers, on that cold, hard exam table. He deserved to pass with dignity, and with the pride that just seems to come naturally with being feline. I don't know if animals have spirits, but if he did, I hope it's at peace. Maybe as time passes I will stop dwelling on his last moments and just try to remember the better times that we had. There were many of them.

[moosmom]

Sam5263,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know how difficult it is to make the ultimte decision, having had to make it twice in my lifetime.

RIP sweet Fitz.

[Catty1]

What a beautiful, soft looking boy. Was his fur really really soft?

My condolences to you, and peace and prayers.

Lion, look down on Sam, and send your comfort.

{{{{hugs}}}}

[sam5263]

In response to Catty1's question, yes, he was remarkably soft. His favorite pasttime was being brushed, and when I took too long to do that, my reward was constant slimy hairballs. He has been pretty fluffy since I got him at 3 months old. The lady I got him from had way too many cats to take care of, and when I came to her house to take one off her hands, I instantly fell in love with the runt of one of the not-so-new litters. He was very sick when I first got him, and I almost decided to give him back. However, once I had him I knew that I could never voluntarily part with him.

My Fitzgerald has touched the lives of everyone who has met him. Even people who don't like cats were fond of my baby. He never met a human he didn't like. He was very well trained, and he knew many commands. Not only did he know them but he readily followed them.

I hope that wherever he is he is not alone, and I would like to send my deepest condolences to all who have suffered similar losses. I know that they are much more than pets. They are friends, they are companions, and they leave us much too soon.

[slick]

As I sit here and read your story may eyes well up and tears flow freely. I know only too well the heartache that comes with making that hard decision. In Dec 2005 I gave up my 18-yr old Speckles to the Rainbow Bridge where she is now happy and healthy and waiting to meet up with me again. The vet came to my home and she took her last breath in my arms as I sat on the couch. Specks was wrapped in her favourite blanket and yes, I spoke to her too.

I have no doubt that Lion is not alone, in fact I believe that he's made lots of the friends at the Rainbow Bridge and is part of the welcoming committee. I also believe that while you are sleeping, he comes to you and softly purrs in your ear just to let you know that he is alright.

Lion has not left you. His spirit surrounds you as you try to get past this difficult time. We will also help you. We've been there. We've also felt so alone. We've cried buckets.......and we all feel your pain.

RIP sweet Fitzgerald and watch over your Meowmie.

Welcome to Pet Talk even though it's under such sad circumstances. You will find alot of healing support here. I hope you stick around.

[dukedogsmom]

I'm crying right along with you. There are lots of us that know that horrible pain. Last November, I had to have my dog that I'd had for 13 years, put to sleep because of lung cancer. And he was my furry soulmate. I can tell you it will take a long time before it will quit hurting. I haven't reached that point yet and a part of me never will, I don't think.
Your "Lion" was a cutie. I know how much you miss his presence. My heart breaks for you because I do know that pain. But, this is the last gift of love we can give them. It's so very hard. I'm glad you decided to be there for him. This is the risk we take in loving animals. In time, he may send you signs. I've had a couple from my dog. I hope we can give you some comfort here. I'm glad you came here to tell us about him.

[Lilith Cherry]

Dear Sam, you will always have Lion in your heart where he belongs. I am truly sorry for your loss; I know what a hard decision it is to take but it is the ultimate kindness.. loving thoughts, Lilith

[phesina]

I am so very sorry. What a beautiful sweet Lion.

Hugs,
Pat

[clydesdale]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know how your pain as we lost our cat too on the 1 april 2007. I'm crying along with you.

[XoSkittlezXo]

man i am so sorry for you =( that poor cat! the begging was so sad i couldnt read the whole thing i am tearing... was he sick or old age! either way i am extremely sorry for you lost! Its hard its like loosing a daughter/son..

[Babyboonie]

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. Like most of the responses you've had to your post I too am sitting here in tears.

It is such a difficult decision to make about a pet, but deep down you know you made the right decision even though it may not feel like it at the moment. It will take a while for the sadness and "emptyness" to fade, but you just have to try and remember all those good times with Lion. He sure was a little cutie....just remember how soft his fur was and how pleased he always was to see you. I guarantee that a kitty as cute as Lion is certainly going to have lots of attention at Rainbow Bridge.

Be strong..but if you need us we are here for you.

[Kirsten]

I am so very sorry about your loss. Been there, too, and believe me, I know exactly how you feel.

Coming home is the part I hate the most. I look for him to come running to the door like he usually did, and when he doesn't, I go straight to my room and look for him. I would always find him at the bottom left side of my bed, looking happy to see me. Now when I do, there's just an empty space.

This sounds so familiar to me!! I just couldn't bear the emptiness and the silence after I lost my RB Katz.

sam5263, your Lion sounds like a very special friend; I can see in your picture how beautiful and sweet he was.

You may eventually find some comfort in the thought that he's now painfree. But losing a beloved friend is never fair...

Kirsten

[sam5263]

I would once again like to thank everyone who took the time to read and respond to my post. I never imagined that there were people out there who would care about my situation even though they have never met myself or Lion. I was especially touched by Slick's and Dukedogsmom's replies, and I am happy (and yet unhappy) to know that I am not alone in having to have made such a hurtful decision. You see, most of the people I am close to do not share my love for animals, and make it all too clear at what is often the worst times. I just wanted to share my story, and I certainly did not want to make anyone else cry, but I admire everyone's sensitivity and strong sense of compassion.

I guess I should explain what caused my baby's demise. On 4/9 Lion started urinating all over the place, but particularly on my bed. By the next day I realized that it was involuntary. I called my vet to see how we could help him, and an appointment was made to bring him in the next day. The vet told me that he had a swollen bladder and needed antibiotics and antiinflammatory meds for what was a urinary tract infection. He took blood for tests and sent us home. 3 days later, the vet's coworker called me to tell me that Lion's blood work came back fine. However, I had to inform her that by this point he did not appear to be passing urine at all. She informed me that this may be a life-threatening situation and that he should be brought in immediately.

To make a long story short, things quickly went from bad to worse. After numerous attempts to unblock his bladder with catheters and flushing, I was told that my Lion would need much more extensive surgery to unblock him. When I came in person to the vet to speak about my options I was told that the surgery would have to be done more than once, and that it is not likely to be successful. I was told that his bladder may already be ruptured, and that he very likely already has kidney damage.

The vet assured me that I had done the best I can, and that euthanasia would be a good option. He told me that without the surgery, Lion would not make it through the night. Without the euthanasia, he would die a very painful death.

So I spent an hour with him, petting and holding him. I could not hold him close the way I wanted to because it was causing him too much pain. So the best I could do was allow him to sit in his cage the way he wanted to, while I layed my head next to him and put my arms around him. While I talked to him, he kept pressing his nose to my face and neck.

So, in the end it was what's known as feline lower urinary tract disease (FLUTD) that parted me from my best friend. Lion just happened to be one of the unfortunate cases that could not be helped.

I guess the reason why this hurts me so much is that Lion was my first and only cat. Because my asthma is so severe at times, and because I don't think I'll ever find another cat like him, I don't think I can get another one. I hope maybe one day I can comfort someone else the way all your kind words have comforted me. This all means more to me than you know.

[CultureJunky]

I am sorry for you loss, I know that one day I will have to go through the same thing with my babies, and I hope I can find the strength that you have.
Are you thinking of getting another cat? Although you have asthma, there are things you can take to help reduce symptoms and live with a cat fine.
It would be nice if you could have another companion like Lion, animals are good for the soul

[Zac and Zoe's Mum]

I know exactly how you're feeling. I had to do the same thing for my beloved Zac last Friday, 20th April. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but I'm so glad I held him in my arms until the end.

Maybe your Lion and my Zacky are playing together at the Rainbow Bridge.