15 year old girls!

[anna_66]

Ok, this has nothing to do with animals at all, but I really need a little advice.
My great niece is going to be coming to live with us, she is almost 15 (next month), and has been running with the wrong crowd at home (N.C.)(to make a long story short, she's gotten herself into a little trouble)) and both she and her parents want her to come stay with me & Mark and for her to go to school down her, & if everything goes well, even graduate!
Well, needless to say after 16 years of marriage we have no children, and she's come and stayed a few weeks in the summer, once about a month, and everything has been just fine but that's the extent of it. Her mom said she seems really excited about coming, and can't wait. She will be her the 9th of next month!
Now, Mark said don't overwhelm her, which I think is wonderful advice! At first all I could think of is "what if" this and "what if" that! I know how girls of that age think (I was there once myself!)
I just honestly don't know what 15 yr old girls like to do! Now, she lived about 30 minutes from us before, so she does have maby a handful of friends she could see, a grandmother & great grandmother, so that's a little help.
But what I guess I'm asking is if you have any little tidbits of advice here or there, because in the long run, I feel I will need it!
We just want to help her get on the right track with her life, and feel we have extra love to share with her. I just want the best for her, know what I mean? She is my godchild and great niece after all, so how could I possibly say no to the whole thing. Oh, and Mark, he was all for it too! But again, it's going to be so strange after 16 years of just us! I'll take any advice anyone has!!!! Thanks in advance! ~Anna~

[Logan]

What a wonderful gesture, Anna, for you and Mark to make. It will be different, for sure, but what an opportunity to get her on the right track. Mine isn't 15 yet, but she thinks she is! LOL!!

I think setting boundaries early on, and then being consistent is the best thing. You can be her "friend", but you are the one in charge, and she needs to understand that from the beginning. Then just love, love, love her. And make sure she has her "space". 15 year old girls can be quite moody! Those hormones are raging at that age! My niece is 17, and a joy to be around "most of the time" , but she can be a bit moody at time, and usually just needs some time to herself. Perhaps you can allow her to do some special things with the room she will be staying in to make it unique to her. That will be a good start!

Something tells me that you will be just fine, although we might not see you here quite as much!

I do hope that this transition will go smoothly for all of you.

[Gio]

Sorry Anna,

I wish I had some advice for you. The only experience I have with 15 year old girls is the very faint memories of when I was that age myself .

The good thing is that your niece is not forced into coming to live with you and Mark and that she's excited about it so that's a good start. Nothing worse than forcing 15 year olds in doing what they don't want to do. I'm sure some of the others will come up with some good tips. Good luck!

[Ann]

Wow, that is going to be different for you guys! I don't have any experience of kids myself, but it wasn't long ago at all since I was 15. I wasn't really one of the "normal" 15 year olds though, so I can't give you any advice that'll help

I just wish you good luck with it all! I'm sure you'll do just fine

[anna_66]

Originally posted by Logan
And make sure she has her "space". 15 year old girls can be quite moody!
Perhaps you can allow her to do some special things with the room she will be staying in to make it unique to her. That will be a good start!

You know Logan the space thing...I said the very same thing to Mark! And she is definately one girl who needs her space. She has a 7 yr old sister and a 14 yr old brother, so maby this is just what she needs, to be the only child.
And the room thing, I know I've stayed with relatives and it never really seems like the room is "YOURS" because all their stuff is in there. And I keep my clothes in that room, so I'm going to put them all in the other spare bedroom and get another chest to put my clothes in.
I've really tried to think of everything like that! Thanks for your reassurance, and I'm sure I'll still visit everyone her but, like you said not as much! Just seems kinda weird like we're going to be instant parents!

[gini]

First of all, allow me to tell you what a wonderful thing you are doing for your niece.

Logan, in her infinite wisdom as Mother of Many has really said it all. Bounderies are critical - and then stick to it! She needs consistancy. 15 - how many of us can recall all that was going on in our heads when we were 15?

Mutual respect comes to mind - and that will take some time and adjustment. Will you be giving her some things to do around the house that are her responsibility?

And last, but not least - LOVE!

Try to keep a sense of humor reserved for yourself!

My hat is off to you - what a super Aunt you must be!

[sasvermont]

I suppose, since I don't have children, I should not reply. Here goes anyway.

#1 Communication
#2 Respect (or maybe the other way around)
#3 Education (including expectations)
#4 Fun (including rules and regulations/standards that are kept)

Keep us posted.

SAS

You may be saving a life! It is very nice of you to do such a thing. She will remember it forever.

[Edwina's Secretary]

Anna - I can relate. My husband and I married four years ago -- I was "of an age" and had lived alone for over 20 years. An adjustment. Then his 19 year old son gets into a bit of a sticky wicket and we insist he live with us. As you say -- instant mother. There is a BIG difference between weekend visits and living there.

People have given you great advice -- set limits, establish rules and responsibilities, give her space yet not TOO much spare time.

Here's some of the things I learned...you will be watched ("I saw you leave your dishes on the counter.") You will need to be very conscious -- especially at first -- that you are modeling the behavior you expect. Sometimes there will be lashing out at you -- "I hate this place, I hate you" understand it has nothing to do with you in reality. It's about change, growing up, etc. AND... make sure YOU have space. It was very hard for me to adjust too. I only had to worry about me for so long it was difficult to feel such responsibility for someone else's happiness. (I said "feel." I know no one is responsible for anyone else's happiness but a teenager can cause you to question that!)

My stepson moved out in January and will start school full time in September. I am very proud of him and feel living with us was a little bit of the reason he turned around.

My niece will be moving into his vacant spot in June (She is in her last year of college here....) Here we go again.....

[anna_66]

Gini~Yes, she will be having responsibilities, but I'm not really sure about that. I do want her to keep her room clean, clean up any messes she make & things like that, but I'm not sure what else, any advice on that?

sas~I'm glad you replied, even if you don't have children, cause I don't either (well, not yet anyway!)

Edwina's~Thanks for the good advice, knowing someone else went through a similiar thing helps me feel better. And good luck to you again!

To tell you all the truth, I'm really scared mabe that sounds stupid, but I can't help it! I know it will either work or not, but I don't want to ruin the relationship I have with her now.

If anyone want to add at any time I would be thankful for the pointers!

[Dixieland Dancer]

Logan has said it very nicely! Setting boundaries and consistently following up are key. Kids act like they don't want boundaries but deep down they really do. It shows them that you care for them and love them enough to worry about them. A lot of times when my son breaks a rule and I feel sorry for him, I have to realize he will not learn if I back off. He needs to pay the consequences for his actions, Good or Bad! I try to reward his good behavior without going too overboard. And the one thing I've learned is if you say you are going to do it, DO IT!!!

At the beginning of every school year we sit down and discuss expectations and required behavior. Every year we give him a little more freedom and try to prepare him for how to handle things when we are not around. If he doesn't follow the rules that we establish together, then he has privledges taken away.

One last thought: Try and keep her busy in things that are wholesome. There is so much lurking out there and trying to hurt our kids. They need to know there is good too! I have my son enrolled in several Boy Scout and Christian camp activities over the summer. I want him to form friendships with the right crowd so I have to influence his desire to do that. He is involved in our church youth group and does many things with them. They even go on church retreats about ever two or three months for the weekend. I have his friends over to our house a lot so we can meet them and get to know them. We spring for pizza occassionally and always have snacks and drinks available. I think the kids like coming over to our house because we try to make them feel welcome. Then we have an opportunity to share with them also. One kid especially likes to come over since his parents are hardly ever home and he is left to his own devices quite a bit. I don't agree with that and have kind of secretly adopted him as my own.

You have a very loving heart and I'm sure your neice will love you and Mark for helping her out of this tough time in life. Give her responsibility for the dogs too! Develope a sense of responsibility towards animals and perhaps she will be a future Pet Talker or animal rescuer!

Best Wishes and keep us posted.

[Tubby & Peanut's Mom]

There's not much I can add, seeing as I don't have any kids of my own either, but I few things I noticed that *I* thought should be added.

Yes, set boundaries, and curfews, and stick to them. And to add to this, you and Mark need to be consistent between the two of you on when and how you discipline, and mostly on everything. It just doesn't work as well if she knows she can go to the other one and get away with something, and this will only cause resentment between you and Mark which you surely don't want either. Also, to go along with this, like Sara mentioned, there will be times when she "hates you" and "hates living here," etc. You need to make it clear right from the beginning that going back home is not an option and that between the 2 of you, actually 3 of you, you are going to work this out. Going home would be the easy way out and she needs to know that you're trying to make a better life for her and it's not necessarily going to be easy.

I would let her know that you respect and trust her However, if she makes mistakes, she needs to pay the consequences and one of those is that your trust will slowly be eroded, along with her privleges. So it's not that she needs to prove herself to you, but she has to show that she is willing to help in turning her life around.

The hard part might be finding something wholesome for her to enjoy like Dixieland Dancer says. The wholesome part shouldn't be too hard, but finding something a 15 year old girl likes to do might be the hard part. Do you and your husband have a hobby or something you enjoy that she could become involved in? I know you're into pets (that's why you're here asking for advice ) so maybe volunteering at a pet shelter or something like that would be of interest to her. I guess what I'm trying to say is she needs something to keep her busy - sports, volunteering, hobby, whatever - because it's when kids don't have anything better to do that they get in trouble - trust me, I know about this one.

Other than that, I think everyone has given excellent advice. It's completely ok for you to be scared - I think all parents are, it's just that you're starting out at 15 instead of a baby so everything is just a little different. Good luck, but you're a loving, caring person and I know you'll do good.

[gini]

Dixieland Dancer has hit on a point that I think is very important.
The idea of allowing her to have her friends over to your home (her home) I think is excellent. It will reinforce that it "is her home" and you can keep an eye on who she is hanging out with.

Scared? Good grief, I would be too! You are taking on a huge responsibility.

But looking at this in a positive light - you have an opportunity to be such a good role model for her and her friends. Girls at this age are into clothes, makeup, music and BOYS! You might find yourself in the middle of a gab session with the girls or just your niece. It sounds as though she just might spill her guts out to you - so be prepared!

Just follow your heart and your instincts and you will be fine. Take it a day at a time.

Find out what her "passion" is - and if within reason perhaps it can be developed.

I wish you the best of luck!

[Heather Wallace]

All I can say is that you are both brave people. You are taking on a big responsibility indeed!

I guess you whole life will change to an extent.

since I am only 27 yrs old I don't really have much to say on the subject but I wish you both goodluck and I hope it all works out for you.

[zippy-kat]

I'm sorta around that age so rather than trying to "parent," I'll give ya some ideas on activities...

Does your neice like animals?

When I was about that age, Mom and I volunteered/became members of the humane society and I LOVED IT!!! (I even got to vote at some of the meetings...talk about feelin' like a hot shot! lol)

Shopping (window or otherwise) would've been a close second.


If your neice does like animals, how about chores that relate to your pups?

[Edwina's Secretary]

You know Zippy, you bring up a great idea -- things to do together. My niece, who is in art school, has decided she really wants to be a canine cop (good use of the education! oh well.) So when I was teasing her and asked if she would want to go to my exercise class with me she got all excited. (Included me paying for it.) Wants to get in shape for the state trooper physical!

I am going to mention to her about volunteering at a shelter. Would probably be good on her application if she really pursues the canine cop route.