PARENTS: Advice Needed, Please

[Desert Arabian]

Alright Pet Talk, I do not know how to handle this situation on my own, so I am making this thread in hopes of getting some good advice/insights. It is a little on the personal side, but I really need help so I am not going to hold back any longer. I am not sure how to present this situation in the best way, I will do my best to be clear and to the point, but I might ramble inbetween, LOL!

Ok so....back in August I met this wonderful young man at the state fair when my friend Katie and I went to the Brad Paisley concert. We hit it off right away. We talk almost every night on the phone, usually for about 2 hours max sometimes less on school nights- one night we talked on the phone for 7.5 hours- that was exhausting, he fell alseep on the phone, that was soo cute, LOL. We hang out a lot, but school and work and living locations make it hard from time to time. Every Friday I go to his football games and sit with his dad (the coolest man on Earth!!)- we talk about all sorts of stuff inbetween yelling and shouting at the football team- we've had lots of serious conversations about Matt (and other things). See, his parents are divorced- they went through the divorce a while ago when Matt was little, but it really did a number on him and he is still just as upset over it as he was when it happened. To add the the horror of the divorce, his mom just had a baby 3 weeks ago. I did not hear from him for about 1 and a half weeks after the baby was born because he was so upset he could not bring himself to talk to anyone. I can tell that he is clearly distraught over this and I want to do my best to help him through his stressful situation and offer my support in this time of need. What is really bothering me is the fact that he will not talk to anyone about this ordeal, he keeps to himself and lets it fester inside of him...which is a horrible thing to do! I want him to talk to someone so he can get it off his chest. What should I do? How to I get him to talk to me about this without coming off as a psychologist? His dad told me at the last football game on Friday that he is going to try to get to him to see a professional councelor. I feel so useless and helpless, I feel I need to do something, but I don't know what to do. I have no idea what divorce is like, my parents are still together, and my mom did not give birth to a baby at age 42 either...so I can't even imagine what he is going through. ANYONE have ANY ideas for me? I need all the help I can get, I feel like a useless sack of potatoes for not doing anything. Thank you!!

I'm so confused! :(

[carole]

I have never been in a similar situation so it is hard to offer advice also, I imagine he is feeling really left out and that he won't matter anymore, which is understandable, but probably not the case, just try and get him to open up if you can, if he can talk about it I am sure it will make him feel a lot better, to express his concerns and feelings, however he really should be doing that to his mother and maybe father as well, but if he does confide in you, just be there for him.

I hope in time he will grow to love his new half sibling, sibling rivarly is sad for him and the newborn, hopefully in time he will see his mother's love is still there and always will be, he will no longer feel threatened and may even grow to love his little brother or sister.

Let us know how you get on, just try and be patient with him. GOOD LUCK. :)

[Corinna]

You may not like this but as a parent and older(ummm) adult I would say be very Careful and slow down the relationship. He has some serious thinks to fix. Be his freind but don't be depndant on him it could be too much for him to deal with until he has his issuses worked out. Having his dad telling you this means some one thinks this relation ship is very serious You be sure of how you feel about it . If you are serious remember you can't change him if you can live with the things that bother you for the next 50years ok if not draw the lines now.
I wish my daughter had listened to this advice now she is going though all kinds of stuff that may end up in divoice.
Praying for you.(ps glad your back.)

[buckner]

Okay, I apologize upfront about possibly hijacking this thread with my own personal experiences.

I have never been through a divorce, but I do understand why your boyfriend is acting the way he is. I'm the same way when it comes to everything from little to big. The little things that bother me get pushed back, never talked about until I explode much further down the road. I pretend like the big things don't exist by not talking about them.

Matt may have never exactly been through this kind of situation before, therefore he doesn't know how to react. He's dealing with this the way he feels best. He may be acting like me and pretending like it doesn't exist. Eventually, he will come to terms with it and accept it. It may take what seems like forever (for me, I've been coming to terms with everything I've gone through with for years. Even things that happened 6 years ago are still affecting me...) but he will accept it. He may not like it, but he will accept it. He needs to come to the realization that it DOES exist. He needs to realize that he needs help, but he has to do that on his own terms. If he doesn't want to talk about it, please don't make him. :(

My advice to you is to try to understand where he is coming from and why he's acting like this. I understand you wanting to be able to talk to him about it, but if something unexpected happened in your life, you wouldn't be up to talking about it either. You just need to be supportive and always be there for him, which I'm sure you are. Let him know that while he may not want to tell you what his feeling, you two still need to talk and get past this bump in your relationship. It's important.. if he's always pushing you aside because of this, it won't work. Also be prepared for the day that he explodes. You may not understand what he's talking about - things we say don't make sense - but just listen to him. Basically, be the person you'd want him to be to you if you went through something like this.

Good luck with Matt, and I'll be praying for Matt's understanding and healing through his situation.

[Karen]

Just let him know, over and over as quietly as you can that you are there for him if, or when, he wants to talk. Just stay his friend, that is the most important thing you can do for him right now. Maybe, in a casual moment, give him a "I'm a big brother" shirt, and a onesie to give the little sibling with "I'm the little brother/sister." Remind him that the child is innocent in all this, as is he, and regardless of how he feels about his mother right now, he IS a big brother.

(An aside: my mother had a baby at age almost 43 - you at Pet Talk all know him as Lady's Human, but she had me when she was 38, so it wasn't as big a gap!)

Then just remind Matt that he is an important person in your world, his having a new sibling doesn't change that in the least.

At some point in his life, of course, he is going to have to deal with the issues he still has with his parents' divorce. Better now than later, for everyone concerned.

[NoahsMommy]

Laura,

While I'm not a parent (at least, not to the skin kind of kids), I was a kid much like Matt. While its really, really wonderful you want to help him, honestly, all you need to do is make it known you ARE there to listen. That's all you can do at this point.

Almost all of my friend's families were "normal" and I was the only one that had parents that acted like children. People that don't come from that type of home, can't understand the deep devistation and confusion that comes from seeing a parent completely get on with their new life.

Just be there for him. That will help him to eventually know he can talk. He'll have a lot of trust issues with women, especially sinse his mom has gone and started her own life. Its not your fault in any way, but until he can deal with it, he'll always have issues with woman.

You're very sweet to care so much about Matt and his family. He needs to see women ARE nice and reliable. Just be there...he needs that above all.

Hugs, Laura. Its nice having you back here. :)

Love, Kelly

[Cataholic]

I am with Corrina. You are in WAY over your head if you believe YOU can help this young man. I don't mean this harshly. But, in reality. Even in the best of circumstances, you can't change someone. He really does sound like he needs professional help. Help from someone trained in the art of psychology, someone unbiased. I must admit, I find it odd that his father would tell you, another minor, such personal information like he wants his son to see a professional. I don't think that was appropriate, and suggests to me that the father is being a 'friend' rather than a 'parent' to his son, and his son's friends. While nice in theory, it doesn't serve anyone well in the end.

To have sibling rivalry at, what, 16? 17?, seems really bizarre to me. To not want to share his mother's excitement with a new life suggests there are alot of underlying issues here. Issues you aren't able to solve.

Matt might be the greatest guy in the world, but, right now, your focus should be on school, and not saving your boyfriend. That doesn't mean you hate him, or leave him, or anything at all. But, your focus should be on YOU. Let Matt's parents focus on him. This is a way different situation than someone just having a bad day, or, getting into a fight with his parents (where you would listen, listen, listen and be supportive).

People that don't talk about/work through their issues now (or close to when they are experiencing them) usually don't mature into people that communicate well as adults. If Matt can't/isn't into his feelings now, chances are, he won't be any better ten years from now. That isn't the type of person you want as your life partner.

You wanted an opinion. ;)

[carole]

Johanna I have to somewhat disagree with you, 'Sibling Rivarly" IMO knows no age, believe me it happens even in my age group and to me it is normal,it does rather depend on the situation of course,but in this particular incident I personally think it is very normal, so I really don't think Matt is abnormal or has deeper issues just because he is feeling this emotional pain, I think it is understandable and happens a lot to many people, now as to whether he comes to terms with it or not is another issue and maybe one for concern, I think his reaction is quite typical really,his feelings of jealousy, not being important to his mother anymore,(which I am only assuming this is how he feels) etc, but it is how he deals with it further down the line that remains to been seen and the deciding factor as to whether this young man has other issues.

I commend you for wanting to stand by him and help him, but as others have warned just be careful not too get in to deep, be there for him for an ear to listen., that is the best you can do really.

[CagneyDog]

IPeople that don't talk about/work through their issues now (or close to when they are experiencing them) usually don't mature into people that communicate well as adults. If Matt can't/isn't into his feelings now, chances are, he won't be any better ten years from now. That isn't the type of person you want as your life partner.



I don't think thats true. Just because he wants to keep things to himself for awhile doesn't mean he will be like that in the future and I don't think its fair to say, that he isn't the type of person you should have as a life partner. There are lots of people that don't talk to people about lots of their problems, me being one of them, so I don't think that is a fair thing to say.I'm sure down the road he will be able to talk to someone about this!

[Desert Arabian]

You are in WAY over your head if you believe YOU can help this young man. Even in the best of circumstances, you can't change someone.

So basically I am nothing but a useless sack of potatoes and should leave him and walk away from him, since I am of absolutely no help at all? That does not make sense to me at all. Why can't I help him, what is stopping me? I cannot give him encouragement when he summons for it, or offer a shoulder for him to lean on when he needs to take a break from things and try to come to terms with this situation?! I know I am not God, but what is stopping me from lending a helping hand? I do not want to change him- because I like him just the way he is, he just needs to adapt to this new situation and over come his feelings, which is obtainable with some help.



He really does sound like he needs professional help. Help from someone trained in the art of psychology, someone unbiased. I must admit, I find it odd that his father would tell you, another minor, such personal information like he wants his son to see a professional. I don't think that was appropriate, and suggests to me that the father is being a 'friend' rather than a 'parent' to his son, and his son's friends. While nice in theory, it doesn't serve anyone well in the end.

And professional help he shall receive, hopefully! What is so odd about his father having such a good level of communication with me, just because I am a "minor" means I have to be shut out of my boyfriends life and cannot know what is going on at home- that makes absolutely no sense at all- minority is not an issue at all. I am extremely happy that his father told me about Matt getting professional help, because I really think he needs it and am glad to know that he may be receiving it. Matt's father is an amazing man, I feel he does his job as a father quite well, and yes he is a friend to Matt also- they do a lot of things together (hunt, fish, football, etc) but he takes the responsibility of "father" also. He is very supportive of Matt and his sister Samantha; he does everything he can to see that they are happy, succeed in life and school, and enjoy themselves.


To have sibling rivalry at, what, 16? 17?, seems really bizarre to me. To not want to share his mother's excitement with a new life suggests there are alot of underlying issues here. Issues you aren't able to solve.

I am the only child, so I cannot say with sibling rivalry would be like. If my mom gave birth to a child (especially if it was to some man who is not my biological father) I am not sure how I would react. Seeing how I will be moving out of the house shortly and moving on with my own life I don't think I would care all that much- but I know I would not be totally "hunky dory" with it either. Yes, this is an issue that I will not be able to solve, which is fine- I do not want to solve it, as long as SOMEONE can help him with that issue to bring him some comfort- that is all I want, I just want to help.


Matt might be the greatest guy in the world, but, right now, your focus should be on school, and not saving your boyfriend. That doesn't mean you hate him, or leave him, or anything at all. But, your focus should be on YOU. Let Matt's parents focus on him. This is a way different situation than someone just having a bad day, or, getting into a fight with his parents (where you would listen, listen, listen and be supportive).

I am not the type of person who can do this- just ignore the issue and hope that someone else does the dirty work- I challenge issues head on and react appropriately to the issue and see that what needs to get done gets done. He is a part of my life, he is a wonderful friend, I am going to help him when he calls upon me to do so, I am going to support him and help him over come this obstacle. My focus is on school also, but it will not be the ONLY thing I am focusing on- the people in my life mean more to me, that is just who I am- people come first. I do not give up without a fight, I support and fight until the end.


People that don't talk about/work through their issues now (or close to when they are experiencing them) usually don't mature into people that communicate well as adults. If Matt can't/isn't into his feelings now, chances are, he won't be any better ten years from now. That isn't the type of person you want as your life partner.

Hmm, so far I would have to disagree- I can't see into the future, who knows where we will be 10 years from now!


You wanted an opinion. ;)

That I did, thanks for adding your $0.02 to the piggy bank! :p

[BitsyNaceyDog]

I am with Corrina. You are in WAY over your head if you believe YOU can help this young man. I don't mean this harshly. But, in reality. Even in the best of circumstances, you can't change someone. He really does sound like he needs professional help. Help from someone trained in the art of psychology, someone unbiased. I must admit, I find it odd that his father would tell you, another minor, such personal information like he wants his son to see a professional. I don't think that was appropriate, and suggests to me that the father is being a 'friend' rather than a 'parent' to his son, and his son's friends. While nice in theory, it doesn't serve anyone well in the end.

I think it is a huge help to Matt for him to just know that someone is there for him. I'm sure he loves knowing just that you are there at his games supporting him. That's what he needs, support. I agree that it was inappropriate for his father to tell you that Matt needs professional help, that should be something he decusses with Matt's mom, not you.



To have sibling rivalry at, what, 16? 17?, seems really bizarre to me. To not want to share his mother's excitement with a new life suggests there are alot of underlying issues here. Issues you aren't able to solve.

I completely disagree with this. There can be sibling rivalry at any age. It must be odd for him see his mom "starting over" with a new husband and new child when he is almost grown. I remember an episode of 7th Heaven when the mom was pregnant with the twins and the rest of the kids were embarrassed that their mom was having a child (or children rather) late in life. They all had issues with it. I think it's a natural thing for him to be confused and have mixed feelings about his mom having a child in her 40s. I think his mom, dad, and step-dad should all sit down with him together and talk about the baby. Ideally they should have done that before the baby was born. If not the whole family than at least his mom needs to talk to him.


Matt might be the greatest guy in the world, but, right now, your focus should be on school, and not saving your boyfriend. That doesn't mean you hate him, or leave him, or anything at all. But, your focus should be on YOU. Let Matt's parents focus on him. This is a way different situation than someone just having a bad day, or, getting into a fight with his parents (where you would listen, listen, listen and be supportive).

I agree that school should be your first priority right now, but there is more to school than just books. I think that friends are an important part of school. I'm not saying neglect your school work, I'm just saying that book work isn't all school is about. School is about learning- both book work and life skills that you cannot learn from books. I do think that 71/2 hours on the phone is way too much, even 2 hours is too much.



People that don't talk about/work through their issues now (or close to when they are experiencing them) usually don't mature into people that communicate well as adults. If Matt can't/isn't into his feelings now, chances are, he won't be any better ten years from now. That isn't the type of person you want as your life partner.

I don't find this to be true at all. I come from a family who didn't (and still doesn't) communicate at all. I grew up never getting hugs, or hearing "I love you". I grew up in a family who didn't talk about their feelings or problems. As I grew up I had to learn those things. For Justin hugging and saying "I love you" was natural, as was talking about his feelings- he helped me learn how to do that too. I love hugging Justin, though I must admit he's the only person I can comfortably hug. I can easily tell him I love him, and I make sure I do several times each day. Talking about my feelings was a much harder thing to learn, I still struggle with it, but I do it. I believe you can change people, but only if they want to change. You can't change their past, but you can help them mold their furture into something great.

I don't think it's your job to fix Matt's problems, it's his parents job. Unfortunately parents don't always do their job right. You are doing exactly what you should be doing, supporting him, keep doing that. Be there if he does want to talk, let him know it's alright to talk, but don't push it.

I really don't know, but it might help if you helped him see the baby as good and not bad. Don't push though. He needs to see that the baby didn't do anything to him. He shouldn't resent the baby, the baby is an innocent and isn't the one causing him this pain.

[Cataholic]

So basically I am nothing but a useless sack of potatoes and should leave him and walk away from him, since I am of absolutely no help at all? That does not make sense to me at all. Why can't I help him, what is stopping me? I cannot give him encouragement when he summons for it, or offer a shoulder for him to lean on when he needs to take a break from things and try to come to terms with this situation?! I know I am not God, but what is stopping me from lending a helping hand? I do not want to change him- because I like him just the way he is, he just needs to adapt to this new situation and over come his feelings, which is obtainable with some help.

I am not the type of person who can do this- just ignore the issue and hope that someone else does the dirty work- I challenge issues head on and react appropriately to the issue and see that what needs to get done gets done. He is a part of my life, he is a wonderful friend, I am going to help him when he calls upon me to do so, I am going to support him and help him over come this obstacle. My focus is on school also, but it will not be the ONLY thing I am focusing on- the people in my life mean more to me, that is just who I am- people come first. I do not give up without a fight, I support and fight until the end.


You are far from a sack of potatoes. That wasn't what I meant. It is fine to be supportive, understanding, patient, etc. But, to really 'help' this young man takes more than that. IF his issues are as you suggested in your original post, and I took them as fact, this isn't some minor thing. Change someone? I go to the bank with that one..you cannot change someone. Only that person can change him/herself.

As for sibling rivalry being 'normal' at 16, 17...I disagree. While it might be something that is out there in the world, keep in mind that doesn't mean it is normal. Abuse is out there, too, in all age groups, that doesn't mean it is 'normal'.

And the communication issue? Kblaix somewhat 'proved' my statement. Today, years later, I presume (I don't know how old you are, Kblaix!) you still struggle with communication issues/intimacy issues (hugging, etc). So, my original statement rings true. People without communication skills as a young person do not grow up to be communicable people. Of course, all generalities have exceptions. It wouldn't be one I would count on for MY life partner.

[mina'smomma]

Well where to start. I know how Matt feels in a lot of aspects. My parents divorced when I was younger and I had trouble dealing with it until I turned 22. It is very wonderful that you want to "help" him, but right now the help you can offer is an ear for him to chew on, a shoulder to lean on and compassion. He should see a professional regarding his feeling just so he can learn that he can't keep them bottled up. As far as the baby thing went he is probably insecure about how much it will change his life. When my father started a family with his new wife after my mother it was like the rest of us took a back seat to them, and that may be scaring him.

[BitsyNaceyDog]

And the communication issue? Kblaix somewhat 'proved' my statement. Today, years later, I presume (I don't know how old you are, Kblaix!) you still struggle with communication issues/intimacy issues (hugging, etc). So, my original statement rings true. People without communication skills as a young person do not grow up to be communicable people. Of course, all generalities have exceptions. It wouldn't be one I would count on for MY life partner.

You're right- I do still have communication problems, major ones. I suffer from social anxiety disorter and panic attacks. But I still make a fine wife. I'm 23, so I haven't been away from my parents too long. I have an amazing relationship with Justin, we have a better relationship than most couples I know. My social disorter doesn't greatly interfere with our relationship. I suppose it does interfere some, but we work on it together, that's what a marriage is about. I don't think it makes a person a bad spouse as long as they communicate with their husband/wife. It was something I had to learn to do. I don't feel it's a big deal if I don't want to hug every person I meet. I am a hundred times better with communication now than I was 5 years ago. In another 5 years I'm sure I'll be even better.

I re-read you're original post and I guess I do somewhat agree with it, but not fully. I somewhat agree with- "People that don't talk about/work through their issues now (or close to when they are experiencing them) usually don't mature into people that communicate well as adults." I agree it is important to work on these problems as soon as you can, you can't grow until you do.
But I don't agree with the statement- "If Matt can't/isn't into his feelings now, chances are, he won't be any better ten years from now. That isn't the type of person you want as your life partner." Every person is different. I didn't start to do better until I had moved out of parents house. I also had to forgive my parents before I could ever move on. I have Justin and a very good friend who have helped me through this.

[Desert Arabian]

I do think that 71/2 hours on the phone is way too much, even 2 hours is too much.

LOL, that was this summer when we were not in school! No way would I talk for 7.5 hours during a school night- yeah right!! On school night our conversations last about an hour, give or take a few minutes.

[Karen]

Laura, hope you read the other posts, as you seemed mostly to focus on one set of responses!

Hee hee - I grew up in a house where my Dad, and later big brother, could get an emergency phone call at any moment, so phone calls never were allowed to last more than ten minutes. We were probably the last town in the state to get call-waiting and touchtone service.