Our PT joke thread

[CatsMeow]

A Spanish Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine:
'la casa.'

'Pencil,' however, is masculine:
'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory
for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER !)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the
time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had
waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won

Har har har har ahahaha!

[Pawsitive Thinking]

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to
a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager
thought it amusing enough to have it published in
the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check
with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last
month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must
have elapsed between his presenting the check and
the arrival in my account of the funds needed to
honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic
monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement
which, I admit, has been in place for only eight
years. You are to be commended for seizing that
brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting
my account $30 by way of penalty for the
inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness
springs from the manner in which this incident has
caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally answer your
telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to
contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,
overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which
your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with
a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and
hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at
your bank by check, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you
must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under
the Postal Act for any other person to open such an
envelope. Please find attached an Application For
Contact which I require your chosen employee to
complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in
order that I know as much about him or her as your
bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please
note that all copies of his or her medical history
must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the
mandatory details of his/her financial situation
(income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue
your employee a PIN number which he/she must quote
in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be
shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it
on the number of button presses required of me to
access my account balance on your phone bank
service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest
form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When
you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*)
BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in
case I am there.
#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I
am sleeping.
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I
am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I
am not at home
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password
to access my computer is required.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to
options 1 through 7.
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The
contact will then be put on hold, pending the
attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for
English. While this may, on occasion, involve a
lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the
duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I
must also levy an establishment fee to cover the
setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a
happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

(Remember: This was written by an 86 year old
woman)

'YA JUST GOTTA LOVE 'US SENIORS' !!!!!


And remember: Don't make old ladies mad. They
don't like being old in the first place, so it
doesn't take much to set them off!!

[wombat2u2004]

One day in heaven, Jesus' secretary says "Sir I think you have been working too hard. You need to get out and meet people."

Jesus agrees and goes for a walk down the streets of gold.

Presently, from a side street he hears the rhythmic sound of sawing and spies an old bearded carpenter in his workshop.

"Sir," Jesus says, "why do you labour so? This is heaven and your days of hard work are behind you."

The old man, face dripping with sweat, replies, "I had a son on earth whose birth was a miracle. I haven't seen him since he died. He knew I loved working with wood, and I thought if I made enough noise, he might hear it and find me."

A look of stunned realisation comes upon Jesus' face.

The carpenter sees it and stops sawing. As he gazes at Jesus' eyes beginning to mist up, their eyes lock,

Jesus says, "Father?"


The old man replies........












"Pinocchio!"

[wombat2u2004]

A guy goes hunting. He leans his gun against a tree. Just then, a gust of wind blows, the gun falls over and discharges, shooting himself in the genitals. Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, but there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."

"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

Not exactly," answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the West Virginia Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't urinate in your eye."

[wombat2u2004]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't
Give you cyanide to kill your husband.
That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail!
All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have
Any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,

"Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[cassiesmom]

A Mother's Dictionary

Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.

Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let de children play outside.

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

Verbal: Able to whine in words

Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.

Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge".

[Marigold2]

Why is it good to have Alzheimers during Easter?





You can hide your own Easter eggs.

[pomtzu]

Not really very funny or appropriate to post here, especially since there is at least one PT member whose father has this heartbreaking disease. Maybe it wouldn't be so amusing if you had to live with it and care for a loved one everyday who is afflicted with it.

[caseysmom]

Not really very funny or appropriate to post here, especially since there is at least one PT member whose father has this heartbreaking disease. Maybe it wouldn't be so amusing if you had to live with it and care for a loved one everyday who is afflicted with it.

Thank you my father suffered from this for 10 years before he died. It was heartbreaking and not something to joke about in my opinion.

[Asiel]

Why is it good to have Alzheimers during Easter?





You can hide your own Easter eggs.

One of my best friends started showing signs of the disease 3 yrs ago and is getting progressively worse. Our next door neighbour was in a home for 8 yrs just exisiting until his death. It saddens me to see someone make light of this cruel devastating disease.

[Marigold2]

This joke was told to me by one of our patients. His wife suffers from Alzheimers. This is his way of coping and who am I to say he is wrong.
Maybe he learned the joke at a support meeting. Anyway he felt close enough to tell me the joke, I have known him and his wife for 8 years and adore them both. And yes it was funny as all get out.
My mother in law whom I loved dearly had Alzheimers too. But funny is funny and if you lose your ability to laugh in the face of tragedy well that is a whole different type of death of the brain, the spirit and life.

Why is it good to have Alzheimers during Easter?





You can hide your own Easter eggs.

[pomtzu]

This joke was told to me by one of our patients. His wife suffers from Alzheimers. This is his way of coping and who am I to say he is wrong.
Maybe he learned the joke at a support meeting. Anyway he felt close enough to tell me the joke, I have known him and his wife for 8 years and adore them both. And yes it was funny as all get out.
My mother in law whom I loved dearly had Alzheimers too. But funny is funny and if you lose your ability to laugh in the face of tragedy well that is a whole different type of death of the brain, the spirit and life.

Laugh at tragedy??? - not me - so I guess I'm dead!
But I don't find it surprising that YOU would find it amusing. You - who has referred to certain people as "veggies/veggie salad", and one who thinks that someone breaking into a car should take a bullet to the head...........well - that tells me just what kind of insensitive and radical individual that you are.
If you found that "joke" - "funny as all get out" - then fine. But you should have kept it to yourself and not posted it here. This isn't the place for your kind of humor, and I'm sure that anyone that has dealt directly with a person suffering from this disease, finds it cruel and insensitive. I did - and I'm not afraid/ashamed to say so. I'm sure that the majority of people that might have read it, feel the same, even if they didn't state their opinion here.
I truly believe that you don't have one ounce of compassion in your body.
Laugh when tragedy strikes YOU - not others.

[Asiel]

Very well put and I can say I agree with everything said here.

I just can't imagine what kind of person would hire an insensitive cruel person to work in an office when they get their jollies making fun of other people's tragedies, and yes, Alzheimer's is a tragedy. Just because the husband tries to cover up his real feelings of sadness does not give you the right to make a mockery of it on forums. Maybe search your soul for a bit if understanding and compassion before mouthing off about something you don't seem to know a whit about.
Maybe it's time you went back to school and studied up on a few things.

[wombat2u2004]

Come on kids. Lighten up now.
It's Easter time.
This forum has been argument free for a while, and it's been good, so lets not open up old wounds.....k ????

[Catty1]