I like these from Family Guy!

[Chris jumps on Peter's lap]
Chris: Dad, the scouts are no fun. I just want to draw. Oh, and...
[kisses Peter]
Peter: Son, I am going to stand up, walk out of this room, and we are never to speak of this again.

Psychiatrist: Does Stewie have a history of violence?
Lois: Oh no, this is Stewie's first violent act.
Stewie: Actually, my first violent act involved that ticking time bomb that I left in your uterus when I left. Happy 50th Birthday, Lois.