The video was hard to watch. I have been in your very shoes, Audrey, for more times than I can imagine, and it hurts very deeply. Your anger is keeping you with us, and it keeps you connected to Kiba. Letting go of the anger feels like losing the connection with her. I look back on the last cat I lost, Alabama. She was my son's best cat, by far. While the loss hit me, and still pains me a year later, it rocked his world. He cannot bear to hear me mention her name. With Allie, it was about 30 days from dx to letting her go. It made no sense. It was without reason. I tell you this to only let you know that it does get better, somewhat. Your heart is huge, your connection to Kiba was strong. And, she knew you loved her. The passage of time will bring you some comfort.
But, at the end of the day, you are 'only' human, as are the rest of us. You can't 'know' why it happened, and I don't think understanding things is for us to do. We can only love, care for and remember our pets. It is a limiting factor of life. Searching in your mind as to why, what you did or didn't do, what could have happened, etc., is just damaging your soul. Try to stop the worry/wondering part, and focus on the feelings you have. I remember someone telling me to 'sit with your feelings'. At the time, I was pretty confused as to what that person meant. But, it means confronting them, feeling them, and eventually working/walking through them.
You have lots of friends, use them now to help you with this.
Johanna
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