I know exactly how you feel. My grandmother died March 12th of this year. She lived in PA. She had gotten sick a couple days before she died and my mother went down there to take her to the hospital. My mother kept telling me not to worry and that I didn't have to come down there. One of her arteries to her heart was blocked so they were going to try to open it up. While they were doing that, she had a heart attack and never regained consciousness. Her heart was so weak that my mother and my uncles decided to take her off life support. It turned out that she had been having silent heart attacks for the past couple of years that had been damaging her heart muscles. This was all caused by her excessive SMOKING!!!! The day she died I kept trying to call my mom all morning while I was at work just to see how she was doing (at this point I had no idea what was going on) I couldn't get ahold of my mother and it was really frustrating me. I also had my fiancee trying to get ahold of her and my stepfather couldn't get ahold of her either. Then finally at around 2pm my fiancee called me and told me she passed away at 12:52. I freaked out, fell to the floor and balled hysterically. I come to find out later that my mother did not want my fiancee to tell me while I was at work becuase she said it would upset me! I was so sad about my grandmother but at the same time so pissed off at my mother that I didn't get to say goodbye.
Her funeral was horrible...it was the first funeral I've ever been to. My mother and I are driving down to PA this morning to visit her grave. It still hasn't sunk in completely. And the worst part is that she will not be there when I get married in June. sometimes it just gets me down but your life has to go on..that's what your loved ones would want for you! If you ever want to talk to me more about this, just pm me!