Getting through the Holidays

[zippy-kat]

I time my pity parties. Seriously. I'm allowed 3 minutes of complete melt down then I have to get up and on my way. And you know what? It's REALLY hard to cry for a full 3 minutes. I don't know if it's the fact that I'm trying to cry for the full length of time or the fact that I'm distracted by watching the clock but, whatever it is, it (usually) works.

{{hugs}}

[Catty1]

For those of you that have lost family members, especially children, I do apologize for the following...but it gave me some perspective.

On Tuesday, Remembrance Day, my mom and I went out to the cemetery to put the Christmas bouquet in the vase where my dad and sister are buried. (It's a perpetual care place, so we can't do much in the summer). It's an artificial bouquet that my artistic mom crafted, and it is lovely.

On Tuesday, we did some wandering, which is not usual. I went to the children's section.

It was more like the baby section...the oldest child I found was 2 years of age. Many, many stones had just the birthdate on them...one of sisters had "March 24" followed by "March 25". Some survived a few months. Two others that I saw passed away over Christmas day...one stone said "silently born...".

I told Mom that this did NOT diminish our loss of Darcia two years ago at 48 years of age - but that I could be grateful that we had her as long as we did. I wonder how much more haunted my mom would be if Darcia never got a chance?

Also, I realized that unlike those wee babies, those beloved infants, I could do something about my life - I could act, make choices, feel. I realized my bad days were nothing compared to what those parents feel.

My point here is NOT to negate your losses, Karen, nor anyone else's. But I have several suggestions:

1. Make a gratitude list. Write it out. Write what you are grateful now that you had in Christmases and other occasions of the past.

2. Also - lose expectations of what a particular 'season' is supposed to feel like. I think more people can get depressed (and they do) at holiday times because they are SUPPOSED to be happy. Don't "should" on yourself.

3. Never compare your insides with someone else's outsides. They may be hurting too, and pressuring themselves to "feel happy" when everyone else is "supposed to". Your losses make you uniquely able to reach out to others in the same situation, because you have been there.

Volunteer to help out at a community dinner for the homeless...you will feel more warmth and joy there than you can imagine. And a lot of it will be in your heart.

{{{{hugs}}}}

[K9karen]

OK! Pity Party is OVER! My grief is nuthin', and I now I feel bad that I didn't see the good in my life when I made the thread.

I guess our family ..what's left of it..is a bit disfunctional (of course, I'm the only perfect one! )

I care for my 95 y.o, alert, healthy (now) wonderful uncle and go to his house 5x a week to cook for him. The docs claim I saved his life by taking him home. Know what? I couldn't be happier! He's in great shape and I adore him.

I'm still struggling through my civil case with my wrist, being followed and taped and waiting for a court date. it just pi$$es me off.

Thanks guys! After a lapse of 10 years, I'm gonna make a gazillion chocolate chip cookes from scratch. I'm gonna ask John if we can forgo his son's Xmas party and maybe volunteer this year at a shelter or hospital. If he doesn't want to be away from his kids, I'll do it myself if I can. Oh! Maybe I'll call the SPCA and volunteer (and come home with a pup..Geez)

Thanks for the slap on the head. I realize I'm one of the lucky ones, and damn it! I'm gonna survive and be a trooper!


K9K

[Karen]

Yes, time to start a new holiday tradition of your own! Miss K-Lo told me you should also celebrate by making a whole bunch of doggie-safe cookies, too!

[Scooter's Mom]

Yes, time to start a new holiday tradition of your own! Miss K-Lo told me you should also celebrate by making a whole bunch of doggie-safe cookies, too!

Oooh, we should start a recipe thread just for pet friendly recipes!

[Ginger's Mom]

I am glad you started this thread, Karen. And I am glad to hear that you have found some strength to start some new traditions. I did volunteer at a church run Thanksgiving for the homeless two years ago, and I loved it. I would love to do it again. It does get tougher as we get older, and our families move away, or even worse, pass away. I have a very strong neighbor who was an only child who never married, and whose parents have both died. She has shown great strength during the holidays, hosting her own dinners for people in her church or in the neighborhood who do not have families with whom to spend their holiday. It inspired me to do the same the last two Christmases. This year my family in Florida was supposed to come up. I was informed this past weekend that because of financial difficulties they will not be coming. Not sure yet if I am going to prepare another big Christmas turkey this year or not. But if I do, you are invited.

[lvpets2002]

Hey I so understand.. My Stepmother (very close too) passed away first & then my Dad (also close too) right near Memorial Holidays 8 1/2 yrs ago.. For the previous 10 years I had been cooking & having at my house the Thanksgiving & Christmas dinners & family.. I also following the next few holidays was in dismay & so heartbroken.. They was so very hard to deal with.. Now I will tell you what got me thru it all was I Started Doing Meals On Wheels thru Both Holidays for the County for the Elder People.. Thank you for this Thread.. God Bless You..

[cyber-sibes]

Great thread! I also have a lot of losses that have sometimes feel like bottomless pits through the holidays. Over the years I have found a few things that helped -

- getting involved a card exchange. It makes me so happy to see cards all around the doorways and across the mantle & furniture tops. Making my own cards is especially fun, when I've had the time. ( I will even put up last years cards & get to appreciate them all over again)

- I pick up a name or two from one of those "Giving Trees" in malls or at Walmart. I miss shopping for kids now that mine are grown & gone. It's fun to go pick out toys & clothes to brighten another child's christmas, even if I don't actually see their face. The fun is in the shopping!

- I go to a big Christmas event. (a concert or ballet, something I may not usually do.) Those are usually very grand & beautiful, it feels kind of magical to be surrounded by all that glitz. Last year I went to a concert in one of these gorgeous mansions here in Newport - what a treat!

- I send donations to rescues (in my case, siberian rescues), & drop off a check & a bag of treats at the local shelter. (these don't have to be big amount, they appreciate every little bit.) It just makes me feel happy to help.

-I bake batches of my mom's cookie & pastry recipes & mail them to my sons to enjoy thru the holidays.

- Make a big traditional dinner & have friends over who also don't have family nearby.

Well, those are a few of things that I do that have helped me move from that gray depression of the past into the present moment, & enjoy the things that are part of my life now.
I feel better already - Merry Christmas everyone!