How Do You Handle This?

[dukedogsmom]

Me too...thats why the advice I gave was to forgive, its easiers said than done though.

You got that right! I tend to hold grudges, too. But, for my own good, will try to find a happy medium.

[caseysmom]

You got that right! I tend to hold grudges, too. But, for my own good, will try to find a happy medium.

Don't you feel your whole being getting the life sucked out of you when you feel like that though? I just hate that feeling.

[columbine]

Forgiving isn't making excuses for the person who hurt you or setting yourself up to let them hurt you again. It's just closing the book. The trickiest part is forgiving YOURSELF for having gotten into that situation in the first place - learning how to stop wondering how you "brought it on yourself" or could have "saved" them if you'd tried harder, or calling yourself stupid. People just do mean things sometimes, not because of the people they do them to but because of who they are. People blame themselves for being betrayed because it makes them feel like they can keep it from happening again in the future, but it just doesn't work that way.

[dukedogsmom]

Forgiving isn't making excuses for the person who hurt you or setting yourself up to let them hurt you again. It's just closing the book. The trickiest part is forgiving YOURSELF for having gotten into that situation in the first place - learning how to stop wondering how you "brought it on yourself" or could have "saved" them if you'd tried harder, or calling yourself stupid. People just do mean things sometimes, not because of the people they do them to but because of who they are. People blame themselves for being betrayed because it makes them feel like they can keep it from happening again in the future, but it just doesn't work that way.

I've read this several times and am trying to understand what you mean. From your last sentence, does it mean that no matter how hard we try, it's still going to happen?

[columbine]

I've read this several times and am trying to understand what you mean. From your last sentence, does it mean that no matter how hard we try, it's still going to happen?

Well, you can keep the same person from doing it again, but since it didn't happen because of you, but because of the other person, you can't change the way you do things so as to keep anybody else from backstabbing you. You can't live your life in any particular way that will keep people from being rotten to you, but you can X the one who already did it out of your life and just say, the past is the past, I'm going to go on.

There's no such thing as safety from meanness, though people try all kinds of things to attain it, from living like martyrs to turning mean themselves to just refusing to deal with anybody else at all unless they absolutely have to. But since it comes from outside, and you never did anything to bring it on yourself, if somebody's going to be mean to you, they're going to be mean no matter what you do. All you can do is stay away from the ones who've already done it.

Is that any clearer?

Love, Columbine

[dukedogsmom]

Yeah, I see where you're coming from now. Thanks for helping me but it kind of depresses me because you have a very good point.

[Cataholic]

I think what Columbine is emphasizing is the 'control' factor. You cannot control what another does to you. BUT, it gives you some feeling of control by acting like you can- by holding on, by not letting go, by berating yourself for someone else's actions, even by harboring the pain.

I am not suggesting any of this is really intentional, but, a script running subconsiously through your mind.

The only one you can control is you. So, control you in such a way that you are protected from pain as much as is possible. I don't subscribe to the theory of limiting human contact so as to spare myself pain. No way, WAY too much good times out there for that. BUT, I am about a 2 or 3 times "get outta my life" type of person.

And, I wonder if there weren't some signs that, had you been more critically thinking of it, that might have given you a clue or two as to this type of behaviour? I mention that ONLY as a way to further insulate yourself from hurtful people in the future.