Why couldn't I just...

[Pawsitive Thinking]

I feel for you - I really do.

My step daughter was 8 when I took her on 20 years ago and will cheerfully admit that she did everything she could to make my life a misery and drive me and her Dad apart. Now I think we can say we're friends but it has taken a long time to get there.

You are not a bad person for feeling how you do especially with all you have been coping with. Step children are a nightmare (God knows your own are bad enough but at least you can love them unconditionally.......). Good luck sweetie, you will get through this

[Karen]

Thirteen is often a miserable age to be a human being, period. You don't know what's up or down, your body is changing, everything is changing, and typically, you are easily influenced by peers and others around you, while you're trying to figure out your place in the world.

You are not crazy, you are not wrong, this need not be the death of the marriage. She will not be 13 forever. That, I promise. Can you take her to lunch, away from everyone, and clear the air calmly, say, "I know other people have told you things about me, but I'd like to start this relationship over, just between you and I. I know I'm not your mother, I never aimed to replace her. I am married to your father, and trying my best to be a part of this family. Do you have any questions you want to ask me?" And if she refuses, well, you've made your best effort.

[BOBS DAD]

She will not be 13 forever. That, I promise. Can you take her to lunch, away from everyone, and clear the air calmly, say, "I know other people have told you things about me, but I'd like to start this relationship over, just between you and I. I know I'm not your mother, I never aimed to replace her. I am married to your father, and trying my best to be a part of this family. Do you have any questions you want to ask me?" And if she refuses, well, you've made your best effort.

OK... I have a better grasp of things now! Sorry to have jumped the gun. Karen's advice (as everyone's) is also quite good. I too think a Mulligan (or a DO-OVER) is in order. How about a "just you an me" day. Maybe some shopping (I know "my girls" sure like to shop) and then lunch/dinner and a nice long, let' s start over chat. Maybe you can do your best to talk about love and relationships (at a 13 year old perspective) - and how you feel about her Dad and your new family. Maybe ask her if she has a boyfriend??? (Try to get into her space a little -something you two can share). Maybe someone special that she likes? Could use it as a seguay (sp?) into how you and her father became romatically attracted (unless you were the reason for the parent's breakup - then you may have to use a different twist). Explain that you know what it feels like to have that flutter heart and tongue tied feeling when that special boy walks by. Offer advice on how she can catch his attention. If there is some way that you can establish a repoire on something as sensitive as this - that is special between just you and her - you may become a confident, and a special person in her life - "BECAUSE YOU UNDERSTAND" what she is going through.

Think about if there is something like this that you take a prominent role in and become the "go to" person in this area of her life!!! usually the more personal it is - "like boys", the stronger a potential bond can become. Good luck!!!

[gini]

Thirteen is often a miserable age to be a human being, period. You don't know what's up or down, your body is changing, everything is changing, and typically, you are easily influenced by peers and others around you, while you're trying to figure out your place in the world.

What Karen has said just struck a cord for me. My own Mother died when I was a ten month old baby. I, along with my older brother, lived with my maternal aunt and uncle. When I was 13 my father remarried.

Here are the following changes that took place in my life.

1. We moved across town and I had to give up my friends and go to a different school middle school. I was thrilled to be able to join my friends again in the high school. But, that was taken away and I had to go to the Catholic School.

2. I was very involved with the Presbyterian Church - their summer camp, the Sunday School and many happy activities. All of that was yanked away from me - my baptism papers destroyed. I was now Catholic.

3. I thought I was in boot camp............I had so many rules and regulations
and duties.

4. At 15 we moved to California - yet another school - a whole new life.

5. I had absolutely no one to talk to about all of these changes in my life.
I just stuffed it.

I certainly am not saying you are a bad person in any way. As an adult I have realized all that my stepmother tried to do for me - but she also made it clear I was the stepchild. I was even called Cinderella in front of her family.

What I am saying is that "I was the child" - still forming - still struggling to figure things out. "She was the adult".........."

Your job is very difficult and made even more difficult by her own natural relatives. It is almost like you have lost before you even begin.

But I will repeat my main theme - "you are the adult" - and "she is the child"
still forming, still searching and very much in need of being loved.

It would help perhaps, to step back a few steps, get your emotions under control and with your adult wisdom, assess the situation again.
This does not have to ruin your marriage. I will say prayers for your success.