The coroner has ruled my son's death a suicide too. We aren't sure though -he had been having trouble sleeping for some time now and he had taken to many sleeping pills. We think it may have been an accident. However, our emotions too are all over the place. Why didn't he go to see a doctor? He had been a little depressed and there is depression in the family. I had encouraged him to go and talk to a doctor and maybe feel better on a medication. But he did neither of those things.

It is normal and okay to feel all the things you are feeling. Rob's only been dead 3 months so I do know exactly what you are feeling. He will never see his beautiful neice Jasmine grow up, he will never have children of his own.

The only thing I do know is that suicide is an irrational act and often an impulsive one. The pain is so great that they can't see beyond it. They feel they have no worth to anyone and everyone would be better off without them. In today's world we all know the pain of dying from cancer, other illnesses because we know physical pain from our own experiences. But I think we need to remember that those who commit suicide are in a deep emotional pain that may be worse than any physical pain could be.

Be easy on yourself. This is not something you will "get over". Hopefully we will both find a way to live with it so that everyday the pain is not so great.
You can still tell your child that their grandfather loved him. I am sure he does even if he can't be here for them. His love will come down from Heaven especially if you help him/her to know your father through pictures and memories. I will keep you and your family in prayer.