You've probably noticed that humans' tongues are vestigial at best, and that they're always wearing clothes and mushing soap into their hair. But you have to realize, that's normal for them. They don't understand the kind of grooming we need. But they can be taught!
For example, if you need to be brushed or combed, sit where your human can see you and wash high up on your chest, right next to your chin. Or if you're particularly heavy, purposely wash the bits that you can't quite reach, so that you fall over. Squeak pitifully when this happens. When the human says the word "brush" or "comb," purr loudly and hurry to the location where she normally grooms you.
If your ears feel icky, get cuddly with your human, and when she pets you, maneuver your head until her finger lands in your ear and she feels how messy it is inside. Now that she knows you're uncomfortable, she can run hot water over an old inside-out sock and rub it inside your ears. It feels really nice, almost like a tongue!
Likewise, if you have goo coming out of your eyes, butt your face against her fingertips, and purr when she wipes it away. She'll learn to keep an eye out for it in the future.
If your nails are getting too long, or if one of them is bothering you, sit where she can see you and lick it, stopping now and then to look at her. This can take a while - after all, we wash our paws a lot! - but be persistent; she'll catch on.
Humans may seem reluctant to help us groom, but they just need a little help to understand what we want. Be patient, and when you get the grooming you ask for, be extra cuddly and purr really loud! Soon your human will be looking for opportunities to groom you. Be patient if she follows up by taking lots of pictures - that's normal for them too.
Love, Smudge
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