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Thread: ANIMAL Joke thread

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Dec 2001
    Copenhagen, Denmark - GMT+1

    ANIMAL Joke thread

    I thought perhaps it would be fun to make a thread containing only animal jokes.

    A game of animal football

    The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea. "I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. I've seen it on T.V."

    He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin.

    The lion's team received. They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt. The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two rabbits. He gored a wildebeast, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six.

    Unfortunately, they lacked a placekicker, and the score remained 6 - 0.

    Late in the first half the lion's team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked the extra point. The lion's team led at halftime 7 - 6. In the locker room, the lion gave a peptalk.

    "Look you guys. We can win this game. We've got the lead and they only have one real threat. We've got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he's a killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino."

    The second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino's team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running. First, he stomped two gazelles. He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way. It looked like he was home free. Suddenly at the twenty yard line, he dropped over dead. There were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what had happened. Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.

    "Did you do this?" he asked the centipede.

    "Yeah, I did." the centipede replied.

    The lion retorted, "Where were you during the first half?"

    "I was putting on my shoes."

    and .... Feline Physics Laws - Law of Cat Inertia

    A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

    Law of Cat Motion

    A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

    Law of Cat Magnetism

    All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

    Law of Cat Thermodynamics

    Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

    Law of Cat Stretching

    A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

    Law of Cat Sleeping

    All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.

    Law of Cat Elongation

    A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

    Law of Cat Obstruction

    A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.

    Law of Cat Acceleration

    A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

    Law of Dinner Table Attendance

    Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

    Law of Rug Configuration

    No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

    Law of Obedience Resistance

    A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.

    First Law of Energy Conservation

    Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

    Second Law of Energy Conservation

    Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

    Law of Refrigerator Observation

    If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

    Law of Electric Blanket Attraction

    Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

    Law of Random Comfort Seeking

    A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

    Law of Bag/Box Occupancy

    All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

    Law of Cat Embarrassment

    A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

    Law of Milk Consumption

    A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

    Law of Furniture Replacement

    A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

    Law of Cat Landing

    A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid- section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.

    Law of Fluid Displacement

    A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

    Law of Cat Disinterest

    A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

    Law of Pill Rejection

    Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

    Law of Cat Composition

    A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.

    "I don't know which weapons will be used in the third World war, but in the fourth, it will be sticks and stones" --- Albert Einstein.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Sep 2002
    heard this one last night...

    Man and giraffe walk into a bar..

    They begin to order drinks until the giraffe's eye's roll into
    his head and he passes out cold....

    The man looks at the giraffe and begins to walk out.....
    The bartender says, "Hey you! You can't leave that lying there"

    The man answers, "that aint no lion, it's a giraffe...."
    The secret of life is nothing at all
    -faith hill

    Hey you, don't tell me there's no hope at all -
    Together we stand
    Divided we fall.

    I laugh, therefore? I am.

    No humans were hurt during the posting of this message.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Dec 2002
    My life is God filtered :)
    Richard, I'll take the fish please.

    And speaking about fish:

    One day, two guys Bob and Joe were out fishing. A funeral service passes over the bridge they're fishing by, and Bob takes off his hat and puts it over his heart. He does this until the funeral service passes by.

    Joe then said "Gee Bob, I didn't know you had it in you!"

    Bob then replies "It's the least I could do. After all I was married to her for 30 years."
    Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, champagne in one hand and strawberries in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming WOO HOO - What a Ride!

    Sometimes the most real things in the world are the things we can't see
    --Polar Express

    Until one has loved an animal, part of their soul remains unawakened.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Aug 2002
    • Why do ducks have webbed feet? To put out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To put out flaming ducks


    now she's slowly opening
    new eyes.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Dec 2001
    Copenhagen, Denmark - GMT+1

    Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher .....

    Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman. He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told him: "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. By the way, don't worry about my Doberman, he won't bother you. But, whatever you do, NOT under any circumstances talk to my parrot!"

    When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Davidson's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Doberman he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business. However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name-calling.

    Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled:

    "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied: "Get him, Spike!"

    "I don't know which weapons will be used in the third World war, but in the fourth, it will be sticks and stones" --- Albert Einstein.

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