Need help! Anyone Want to Play Therapist?

[elizabethann]

This is a long story. I need some serious help and I hope you can help me. My sister, niece and I are hosting a Sunday Brunch for my Mom who is turning 90. We sent invitations out. My older brother called last weekend saying he is bringing his daughter (who we just found out about a year ago....she was put up for adoption and lives down South), his daughters husband, adopted Mom and his daughters daughter (his grandchild). I told him the party was about Mom and not his daughter and I suggested I host a party for her the night before Moms 90th brunch so we can make that party about her and Moms party is about Mom. Yeah well that went over well...not! Now my brother sent an email to everyone saying that my sister and I don't want his adopted daughter to be a part of the family. He even went so far as to call his 18 year old son and cry. My nephew called me all upset and wants me to call my brother and apologize. My brother is saying he wants nothing to do with the family. I am upset because my brother is upset. I would love to meet his daughter but I don't think our Moms 90th party is the place for it. I don't know what the next step is to remedy the situation. Had my brother called and asked if he could bring everyone I would have said yes but I would have still suggested another get together to introduce his daughter to the family. I don't know what to do. I'm upset because my brother is upset. I didn't mean to hurt him. But I still think he should have thought this out a little better and I don't think he should have sent out a mass email or called his son and cry. Can you please help me?

[Karen]

Awww, it is a complicated situation, but perhaps you can still invite him and everyone to your Mom's party, and have a separate, small cake for your brother's daughter, and make that a secondary part of the event. I am sure everyone will still mostly fuss over your mom, and it would be nice for his daughter to meet everyone when the focus is not on herself, so she need not be as nervous.

How does your mom feel about the situation? How "with it" is she? Some people at 90 are still as sharp as they were at 20, others are more subdued and quieter, and of course, some are suffering the effects of disease that often accompanies old age, and are barely with it at all.

That would be my suggestion. Talk it over with your mom first.

Then you can send out a mass email, saying "crisis over, here's the new plan" whatever it may be. Any memories people talk about with your mom, after all, will be family history your brother's daughter can absorb as well.

[cassiesmom]

Mom's 90th birthday is a special occasion. It might be awkward for everyone for Mom's son to bring a passel of family members to her birthday party. On the other hand, it would give his daughter an opportunity to meet her extended biological family, and for them to start establishing a relationship with her and her adoptive family. But ultimately I'm with elizabethann - Mom's party is about Mom. So yes, ask her how she feels, and since it is his daughter, he should be the one to host an event for her and her adoptive family. Elizabethann, you are so sweet to offer to have an event for her on top of everything you are doing to get ready for Mom's birthday! I hope it all works out (((HUGS)))).

[sasvermont]

I would say your brother has the problem, not you, but you seem like a loving sister and don't want ill feelings in the family. Your brother needs to take responsibility for the "introduction party" at another time. I think a heart to heart with your Mom should go first, then your brother. My guess is that your Mom will want the extended family to attend. Now, if your brother is still upset and says he will not attend, then, oh well.

I rather like your idea about having an earlier intro party before the 80th party, but I think your BROTHER should host it, not you! My gosh, he sounds like a spoiled guy to me. You have enough on your plate with the 80th party.

Isn't family great sometimes?

Good luck and let us know how this turned out!

Sas

[pomtzu]

Maybe I missed something, but I didn't see where your brother said anything about it being an intro party for his daughter - he simply said that he was bringing her. So what's the problem if you have known about his daughter for a year now? Just because you haven't previously met her shouldn't be any reason for you or anyone else who is attending, to feel obligated to make a fuss over her. It will only be an issue if you make it an issue.

[sasvermont]

Maybe I missed something, but I didn't see where your brother said anything about it being an intro party for his daughter - he simply said that he was bringing her. So what's the problem if you have known about his daughter for a year now? Just because you haven't previously met her shouldn't be any reason for you or anyone else who is attending, to feel obligated to make a fuss over her. It will only be an issue if you make it an issue.

It seems to me that meeting "your brother's long lost daughter" for the first time, IS a big deal and it WOULD take over the theme of the 80th birthday party. Can you imagine how exciting that would be? I think her brother should have had a party for his daughter, long before now, but he hasn't.

I hope progress has been made and everyone will get on the same page to celebrate an 80th Birthday.

[elizabethann]

Thank you for the suggestions and your thoughts on the subject. Just found out today that my brother called my Mom, crying, and told her about the SURPRISE (I failed to mention that) party. Now she's upset because she said she doesn't want a 90th birthday party. So I'm not sure what's going to happen now because I am MAD that he told her. I was going to call him this weekend but now I am not. And we will most likely cancel the party because Mom does not want it. And we will all do our own thing with her separately. There are many many many times I wish I was an only child or I wish I lived very very very far away from my family. I am the youngest if seven kids and we are the epitome of a disfunctional family. Ugh. Thanks again everyone.

[Karen]

Aww, it's too bad your brother ruined the surprise, and your mom doesn't want a party. Maybe you, your sister and niece can go over that day and take her to a nice calm lunch instead, and your brother can do something separately with her, and introduce her to her granddaughter one on one. And that way she gets a spread-out celebration, too! Maybe buy an oversize card, and everyone who visits individually can sign their names to it, so she'll have one big moment?

It's funny, I knew if we had asked, my Dad might have said "no" to his 80th birthday party, so we went ahead and planned it and gave him a heads up that he needed to be home that afternoon ... and I am sure he enjoyed the whole deal despite himself! We also warned him that this is just what happens when one has a zero-year birthday, so be warned!

[mrspunkysmom]

My family is dysfunctional as well, so I can't or shouldn't help. I do have some thoughts. Mom is 90? It should be just her kids on that day. Then others can be invited later. Too many people, it is less about Mom and more about the family.

But since she didn't want a party, a family "reunion" might be the ticket.

Just my take.

[mrspunkysmom]

I agree. I know your heart is in the right place, but I think maybe a 'surprise party' for a 90-year old is not a great idea, in any case. If she doesn't want one, she doesn't want one. Have the "reunion" get-together, instead & maybe a couple of family members could take her for dinner.

(BTW - a lot of women don't like surprises - we need to dress up & get our hair done!)

After several re-reads, I realize you are agreeing with me. Then you are speaking to elizabethann but it sounded like me.

Why am I wrong? I didn't say anything about a surprise party. The owner of the thread did. Please quote and reference the correct person.

I did suggest a re-union for the whole family. I don't think she would object to the whole family getting together, but I don't know her. And sometimes people say they don't want a party just to see if you would do it.