I hate my MIL!!!!

[Samantha Puppy]

I have been in tears all day because of her. She has completely ruined what was supposed to be a very important, memorable part of my first pregnancy.

A little history - I absolutely HATE being the center of attention. I was thrown a traditional bridal shower last year and felt sick to my stomach all day. I hated it. I was so nervous that I either spent too much time on gifts I opened (boring everyone) or too little (and looked greedy to get on to the next one). I had a pretty blue dress with white crocheted lace overlay on it and was so nervous and sweaty that the armpits got stained pink. I knew going into it that I wasn't nuts about the party but I had never been in a position like that before so I wanted to give it a shot and hoped that I'd surprise myself and have a great time. Not so. It only reiterated to me that I absolutely hated being in that position and never wanted to be in a similar one again. I was miserable, I was sweaty, I was nervous, I was terrified. Never. Again.

Last month, my mom approached my MIL to see if she wanted to co-host a baby party for me. My mom knew my feelings about my bridal shower as I had told her that what my husband and I would love to have is not a shower, but just a party in our honor. I have many more guy friends than girlfriends, I've always been more comfortable around guys, and we're the first ones in our group of friends to have a baby. Josh has known these guys since 1st grade, me since 6th. A party that included ALL of our friends and didn't include anything that would put the focus solely on me would be perfect.

Until MIL decided that that wasn't what SHE wanted to do. So she took over and took it upon herself to call one of my newer girlfriends (I haven't seen or talked to this girl in over a month... and it was a month or more prior to that that I spoke to her... get it?) and have this girl pre-check with MY high school guy friends to see if they'd be interested in coming to a... SHOWER. Of course, they said no. After they said no, MIL reported back to my mom that she had asked and they weren't interested so they should proceed on with planning a traditional shower for me.

1. Who the hell checks with possible guests to see if they want to come to a party? I can tell you right now that when she (MIL) threw birthday and graduation parties for her sons, she never called around and said "Hey, if I have a party for Josh's graduation, would you come?" Why? BECAUSE PEOPLE DON'T DO THAT!!! The *only* reason she did that was so that she could say that it was THEIR call not to come, not her decision, so her "conscience" was clear. But she doesn't realize that I know her better than that. I know exactly what was going through her mind.

2. The girl that she called, she's spoken to MAYBE 3-4 times in her entire life. This girl and I are friends, but she showed NO interest in being involved in anything to do with the baby. She never went to my mother to say "Hey, I'd like to do this for Jaime - want to work together?" So why should she, a relative "newcomer" to my group of high school friends, be involved in this at all? And why should HER response overrule what I asked for??

I just don't understand why you'd bother to ask me what I want and then totally disregard it! Why would you want to go through with all the money and time involved in planning a shower when you KNOW the 'guest-of-honor' would be absolutely, 100% miserable? I am beyond angry and upset with MIL and would rather have NOTHING than what SHE wants. So I told my mother that and she has contacted MIL to halt all plans. So because of my over-controlling MIL, I won't have *anything* to look back on like a party with (all) my friends and family, all those dear and important to me, during my first pregnancy.

Every time I think about it, I feel nauseous. I hate her. I HATE HER!!!!

[RICHARD]

This is gonna be tough but be as gracious as you can.


Just remind yourself that it's only for a few hours and once you get it over with it will be over. You'll just waste time freaking out about it, so.......
Make the most of it.

[finn's mom]

That's awful, Jaime. I don't know about you, but, I wouldn't show up. But, that's just me. How does Josh feel about his mother doing this?

[buckner]

Oh Jaime, I'm terribly sorry to hear this awful news. I can't believe some people would act like that!!! Have you talked to Josh about this situation with your MIL?

Is there anyway you can have the party you wanted and just not invite your MIL? I'm sure she knows how you feel about her - explain to her that you want your highschool friends there and if she can't accept that, than she doesn't have to come!

I may sound a bit rude, but I'd go forth with what *I* wanted to do. Your mom seems to know and understand you, so have her plan it but you give the final okay. I know when I get pregnant (in the far future :P) I'll want ALL of my friends there, and whoever isn't okay with it can just not come.

[Queen of Poop]

So sorry that she is stressing you out. Could you just come out and tell her how you feel. Maybe show her what you've posted here and let her know that your wants/needs come BEFORE hers. Or perhaps your hubby could talk to his mom and explain to her that a shower is not the right way to go and that it will be a party or nothing. Someone needs to stand up to her. I'm sorry, but in your condition you should not be stressing so much. Please take a deep breath, have a nice cup of tea and try to relax.

[moosmom]

I sympathize with you, and think RICHARD has a good point. But, so does finn's Mom.

You could always do what I did when my 4 aunts threw me a baby shower. Because my MIL was an alcoholic, they argued over and over whether to serve alcoholic punch or not. Well, I or rather Amy Elizabeth decided for them. She came a month early and I went into labor the day before the shower!! (BTW, I absolutely LOATHED my MIL too!!!) Served them all right.

I'd pretend you're not feeling well and bow out. Throw up on someone's shoes if ya have to. I don't think it's worth you going through all that stress.

(((((((HUGS))))))))))))))

[finn's mom]

I'd pretend you're not feeling well and bow out. Throw up on someone's shoes if ya have to. I don't think it's worth you going through all that stress.

Ha ha, that's a good one. Seriously, though, Jaime, your mother-in-law is seemingly doing this for her own benefit, and, not so much yours. Your mother has already told your in law how you feel and what you'd prefer. I think you should go ahead and schedule a party for your friends. Again, though, I wouldn't be attending the party that your mother-in-law is throwing, not after she's already been told that isn't what you want.

[kimboe]

Hmmm...That's to bad.
If i were in your shoes i would call her (MIL). And discretly tell her that you do not wish to have a party that is clearly not in your taste, and remind her that it is for you and the baby. ( not her)
And if she does not like it or does not comply with the idea and still insists on hers i will also tell her that you only want one party and a party with all of YOUR close friends.
I hope i helped in any way.

[caseysmom]

I think you and hubby should invite who you want, have it very informal and call your mother and law and tell her you won't put nub through the kind of stress she has in mind.

[Samantha Puppy]

I'd love to have just had the party myself, but the fact of the matter is that Josh and I weren't planning on having any Nuggets for another few years so money is spread extremely thin as it is. We cannot afford hosting a party ourselves. It's not just the high school friends that she didn't want there - it was ANY person of the male persuasion. Josh and I wanted a fun get-together with friends and family. His uncles are a blast to hang out with. We wanted EVERYONE important to us to be at this party, not just women (some of which I can't even stand). I was asked what we wanted for food - I said pizza and beer (obviously no beer for me). THAT is Josh and me - laidback, not pretentious. MIL decides to rent out a room at a local Italian restaurant and serve fancy pasta dishes (Josh hates Italian food - see how "in tune" she is with catering to other people's wants/needs?). Anyway, we just don't have the money to have a party. We usually have a bunch of our friends over once every football season to watch the Ravens and we had to bow out of our turn this year because of finances.

Josh refuses to get in the middle of it. When I told him how I felt, he said "Whatever" and that was that. I can understand that he doesn't want to get involved, so all I ask is that if/when his mother complains to him he back ME up whether or not he agrees with my views.

My mom has already contacted MIL and told her that it's off. I'm waiting for the fireworks and expecting a call from either my mom or MIL or both tonight. My mom is cool - she completely understands how I feel and has apologized a billion times for letting it "get away" from her. I hold no grudges against her - she doesn't understand how MIL works like I do.

And just sucking it up and going is not an option. MIL kowtows to the current "matriarch" of the family and is priming herself to take that position over once the current one is out of the picture. She wants me to kowtow to her and I absolutely REFUSE to perpetuate this manipulation for another generation. If I don't stand up to her now, she will expect me to do whatever she says for good and I'm not like that. Josh and I are our own family, we are adults, and we do not need to be treated like we are children. I've given in enough to her in the past - if I keep it up, she'll expect it even more... and it just ain't happenin'.

[kimboe]

YEP, You should Stand for yourself. All the Power to You!

[caseysmom]

If money is tight maybe you should grin and bear it for the gifts... If it gets overwhelming act like your going to puke and go lay down

[Kfamr]

That's horrible, Jaime! What an evil lady.

Do you think you could call up the highschool friends that you WANT to attend and explain the situation, and invite them to come along?

{{HUGS}}

[dukedogsmom]

I agree with Buckner. Have the party you want to have. It's your special time and no one else's. There's no reason you can't have some happy memories. Your MIL may think she was giving you something special but it sure sounds like she was going a weird way about it. And, some people just like a lot of attention. I have no idea which one it was but I say you should have a day that you would prefer.

[jackie]

I am glad to hear you put your foot down!