What happens in this situation?

**catnapper** · 10-12-2005, 06:19 PM

MY aunt's health has been bad for a few years. I just found out tonight that she's had a pretty serious heart attack. They are running tests, and we won't know the extent of the damage for a bit.

I am wondering what would happen to her family. Get ready for what will surely sound like a Jerry Springer episode. My uncle (her husband) is not able to care for himself, let alone the kids. He's got many mental issues. My oldest cousin will be ok. He'll just have to finally wake up and do something with his life -- he's 25, and still living at home sponging off mom. My middle cousin is 19, dropped out of highschool to become a drug dealer. Steals from his mom left and right, beats up his sister, and god knows what else... he needs to go to jail, and if she dies, and she's not there to get him out of all his scrapes, he WILL be in jail before Christmas. My concern mainly is for my youngest cousin, Denise.

Ah, how to describe Denise without sounding mean, insenstive, etc.... I'll start by saying her problems are not her fault. Denise is 16, and mentally around 10 years old. She has zero social graces whatsoever. If she comes to your house, you hide everything edible because she'd sit and eat EVERYTHING in your pantry, then proceed to purge it and start all over again. I'm am NOT kidding here. She is not even 5' tall and weighs over 300 pounds. She is obsessed with having a baby. Rather than taking the time to teach her social niceties, my aunt just shoved food towards her to keep her quiet and happy... and we see how well it worked. Between my mentally ill uncle and my thug of a cousin, my aunt had little time or patience for a "slow" daughter. She denied Denise's mental slowness for many, many years until it was too obvious to deny.

Why bring up all this? Because I sincerely wonder what will become of Denise IF my aunt were to die. Even if she doesn't die from this heart attack, its not too much to think the next one will get her. I saw my aunt a few moths ago - she did not look good AT ALL. I am Denise's godmother, my brother is her godfather. Even though her father is around, he might as well NOT be. Do my brother and I step up and take over? Do WE take her in and try to teach her at this late in life all the stuff she should have learned when she was a child? Do we just sit back and let the state take over and sort things out? Should we call the state NOW and let them know the terrible conditions Denise lives in? I've been pondering this for months and months -- ever since mom told me that Denise told my SIL that her brother uses her as a punching bag. She's so slow, that she never even thought to call the cops when he beat her. My aunt is so subservient to the punk that she turns a blind eye to it.

**Glacier** · 10-12-2005, 09:34 PM

The rules might be different where you are, but here the father would remain her guardian--unless he is found unfit by a court. As a former child protection worker, I really think you should call the department in. The call can be anonymous. Your aunt would never have to know you called, unless you chose to tell her. The social worker legally can not reveal who reported a concern. Getting CP involved in a situation like this can take some time, unless there is a very immediate concern to your niece's life/safety. The sooner they are aware of the situation, the sooner they can help and already be in place if something does happen to your aunt. Many child protection programs have special programs for special needs kids and teenagers--to help them learn those skills your niece misses, function on their own safely, budgeting and eventually become productive adults.

I hope things work out for all of you.

**caseysmom** · 10-13-2005, 09:37 AM

Even if your aunt lives it sounds like that girl needs out of that house. I agree with what glacier said, make the call.

**new mom to a veiled** · 10-13-2005, 09:47 AM

Originally Posted by caseysmom

Even if your aunt lives it sounds like that girl needs out of that house. I agree with what glacier said, make the call.

I agree with both. As you said your aunt "turns a blind eye". This child already has enough problems, and she needs somebody who will support and encourage her to learn. Not to mention the fact that her brother is beating her. I hope everything works out for all involved.

**lvpets2002** · 10-13-2005, 09:54 AM

Originally Posted by Glacier

The rules might be different where you are, but here the father would remain her guardian--unless he is found unfit by a court. As a former child protection worker, I really think you should call the department in. The call can be anonymous. Your aunt would never have to know you called, unless you chose to tell her. The social worker legally can not reveal who reported a concern. Getting CP involved in a situation like this can take some time, unless there is a very immediate concern to your niece's life/safety. The sooner they are aware of the situation, the sooner they can help and already be in place if something does happen to your aunt. Many child protection programs have special programs for special needs kids and teenagers--to help them learn those skills your niece misses, function on their own safely, budgeting and eventually become productive adults.

I hope things work out for all of you.

I know it is a very sad situation But I have to agree with Glacier..

**Samantha Puppy** · 10-13-2005, 10:04 AM

Like everyone else so far, I'm with Glacier. Call social services in. NOW.

**Lobodeb** · 10-13-2005, 10:13 AM

Unfortunately, I have no advice for you. Only support.

My brother is mentally disabled and lives in a group home. His living situation might benefit your niece.

Good luck and keep us updated!

**Tubby & Peanut's Mom** · 10-13-2005, 10:31 AM

What a tough, sad situation.

However, I have to agree with everyone else. There are "homes" or "programs" for young people such as your cousin. They will learn what they need to know to take care of themselves and to live on their own. They will also be helped to find jobs to help support themselves. I'm sure they will also help to get her to finish high school....if she's even going to high school?

I know of one such young lady. Her parents are the complete opposite of your Aunt and Uncle. They are wealthy, probably mid 60's and in excellent health. Their daughter lives in her own apartment, has a job and has a social network of people to help her out in the ways she needs help. She is the sweetest girl, just adores 60's music and I Love Lucy, and functions quite well considering her "disability."

I say the sooner there is intervention for your cousin, the better off she will be in the long run. I know it will be tough for you to "turn her in" or "turn the family in," but really, you're doing her and them a favor, not a disfavor as they may originally see it.

**finn's mom** · 10-13-2005, 10:46 AM

I agree with Glacier and everyone else on this. What a sad situation. I hope Denise is able to get the help she obviously needs. Heck, I hope everyone finds the right direction, but, I'll be sending most of my good thoughts to Denise, as she seems to be the only one not able to change her fate herself.

**jackie** · 10-13-2005, 11:41 AM

This thread makes me feel like having an anxiety attack. I hope everything works out, especially for Denise.

**DJFyrewolf36** · 10-13-2005, 12:06 PM

I agree with everyone...it may seem mean to call and report this but the sooner there is intervention, the sooner your cousin can get the help she needs.

I'm praying for your aunts family.

**catnapper** · 10-13-2005, 02:11 PM

Thanks guys --- it makes me feel better that everyone feels that way. I mentiond it to mom MONTHS ago and she blasted me saying its not my decision to do that to her sister's family. Mom seriously fears my aunt would commit suicide if Denise was taken away from her. She's already threatened suicide many times over.... and the threats were taken seriously by all of us.

I saw mom today, and she updated me on my aunt's situation. My aunt had 99% blockage in one valve, 78% blockage in the other. Talk about being LUCKY TO BE ALIVE!!!

I agree Denise needs to FINALLY be taken care of. But I don't quite know what to do in this situation.

**Samantha Puppy** · 10-13-2005, 02:16 PM

Make an anonymous phone call. No one has to know it was you.

**moosmom** · 10-13-2005, 03:31 PM

Wow Kim, that DOES sound like a Jerry Springer episode. I've seen situations like that when I worked at the funeral home. There's nothing like death to bring out the worst in people.

Good luck!!